One last poem. Feedback appreciated.?

Question

-Shattered Reality-

It was snowing outside

The night reality shattered

But I was warm inside

Before my reality shattered

The opening line of "La Bohème"

Circled thru my mind

"Que ton visage est doux entourè

Par la lumière de la lune."

It states. I think how it fits you so

I tell a friend how much I care

For like the billionth time that day

She responds with, "Get it thru

Your thick skull, man, she doesn't care

For you. I'm sorry but you have to hear it

Sometime." Dumbfounded I sit

Reality is shattered

Can it be true?

Is there life without you?

Is it possible?

Even conceivable?

It should- shall- not be

Life would be h**l in the true

If reality existed without you

Alas, it must be h**l

I respect the choice

Though I'll long for your voice

With a Shattered Reality

I'll stumble thru this world

Looking for a new one

It'd ease my trip just to be

Your friend and shoulder

After all, that's why I live in Boulder

There is something I no longer fear to say

That is I love you with each passing day

And always will, if even only as a friend

Death may find me

But I shall fight

To keep you in sight

And that day will be

All will open their eyes

And see a world

Where only Love is

On that day all will see

How much I care for thee

That is all, this is the end

Hope to see you soon my friend

-4/9/03

Answer 1

When I encounter things like the phrase in French (which is fine,) followed by "It states" which is dreck, I frankly stopped reading. It reminds me of a line from a Stephen King novel. His 15 year old character says "I didn't have a modus vivendi for life." Either you are sophisticated enough to use a foreign line in your writing or you are daft enough to start a line "It states (period)" You can't be that dumb and that smart at the same time, okay?

[The trouble with the Stephen King line, in case you didn't see it, is that modus vivendi means "motive for (or way of) life" so to say "modus vivendi for life" is horribly redundant. Eerily similar to announcing you just made a quote in a poem.]