One open, one closed?

Question

Would anybody be willing to share what happens in the case of adopting two times, but one adoption is far more open than the other? How have you dealt with telling one child why they have contact with a sibling or parent and not the other?

Constructive responses only please! Thanks!

Answer 1

We have friends who have two children that are adopted and have the same circumstances. They are actually friends with the birth parents of their daughter, and their son is from a closed adoption. Their daughters birth parents are referred to as "friends of the family" and are expected to treat both children the same. I think the reason it works for them is because they aren't telling the kids that they are the daughter's  birth parents until both kids are old enough to understand why they were given up for adoption. It is a difficult thing to explain to a child that they were given up by their parents, and when they are young I think it's best to explain it in as simple terms as possible.

Answer 2

I'm not an AP but I can somewhat relate. A dear friend of mine has two daughters through two marriages. One sees her father on a regular basis, the other sees her father only once or twice a  year.  It is so hard on both of the girls, the eldest (sees her dad) feel guilty over having something the little one doesn't. The little one gets angry and sad over not having a daddy like her big sis. Recently the paternal family of the older child has started taking an active interest in the younger sibling as well. Now both girls are closer to each other and there is less tension come visit times.

How you could work this with an adoption I have no clue. Maybe an aunt could make some "special" time for the child with the closed adoption. There is no way it will make up for not having their natural mother involved in their life. There won't be any of the positives that come with a truly open adoption but it may help the child feel like they have someone "special" as well.

Answer 3

Would it be possible for you to inform both sets of bparents about this situation, and ask their cooperation?

Answer 4

I have 4 children I have adopted. My oldest adoption is closed and the youngest 3 (bio siblings) is open. Only pictures and letters are requited BUT I maintain contact with the birth mother (no visits with kids). My oldest is 10 and I can easily talk to her. I am very open and honest with her. He bio parents are drug addicts and one is in jail. When she asks me why there is no contact with her bio parents I tell her the truth. He bio mom lives in the streets with no address and her bio father is in jail. I never talk badly about her bio parents but I try and explain to her how her bio parents choices have affected her adoption situation. My younger three, there birth mother is scizophrenic. She lives on her own but mentally can not care for her kids. She is willing and wants to maintain contact with us by choice. I have told my oldest that. One of the nice things is...the schizophrenic birth mother has kind of taken on my oldest as her "own". She sends her letters and gifts and even enjoys talking to her on the phone. I know she is no replacement to have contact with her bio family BUT I know it makes my oldest feel a part of her sisters lives.

I have told my oldest, when she is older, I will help her find her bio mother is she wants. I am extremely open and honest with her and I feel that has helped a GREAT deal!!

Answer 5

I would recommend checking out www.informedadoptions.com  There are many adoptive parents that can offer insight and support.

Answer 6

I have not adopted but would love to.. My husband and I have one daughter now and one on the way!!

I would tell the child that was a closed adoption this:

' Your momma loved you so much that she made a decision that is going to live with her forever!" "If she could have keept you and rasied you she would have, but for her own reasons she was unable to!, plus to have information at this time would be to hard on her, can you understand your birth mom's feelings? (let the kid tell you his or her thoughts)!"

This is why you are here with us in our home.. You were born in my heart and not my tummy!

As for your brother/sister their momma could not handle not having the little contact that their adoption alows. This is just what his birth mom chose to do!!

When you are older then I will help you to find your mom and I am okay if you wish to meet her!!

I feel that by being supportive it is the foundation for a great relationship for an adoptive kid and parents!!

Good luck and God bless!!