One paragraph of a story that i'm writing. What do you think?

Question

False ignorance echoes through the atmosphere as painless screams of laughter consume the darkness of her reality. She speaks words of virginal content through the seeming purity of her painted lips. Her friends surrender to their mindless credulity as, with her words, she paints them portraits of happiness, the kind that she desired, yet could never possess. She wears smiles formed by expectations as she ensures that her laughter is heard through the deafening screams of hate that plague her mind.

Answer 1

It shows you have a good vocabulary and creativity, but my complaint is that it looks as though you are trying too hard to find big words and condense them into as little space as possible. In this way, it reads more as poetry than a story. If you simplify the language slightly it will give the reader a break. It will get tedious for someone to wade through all those thick words! As a poem, though, (and even a prose poem), it is pretty great.

Answer 2

It's brilliant and you know it!

haha.

Only kidding! But it is excellent. Your descriptions are very avid, but short so they do not drag on. You achieved the same depth in your description as it could take other writers (who are professionals) a whole page to describe. I really enjoyed it.

What is it about? I would love to read it, you are a great writer.

Kaila

ps: is anyone as annoyed as I am with the new y!a spell checker and punctuation checker? They annoy the h**l out of me!

Answer 3

Way too many words, all jumbled together. Makes it almost unreadable. If you were writing a poem you might JUST get away with it but for a novel it's likely not to get published and if you do nobody will read past the first page, it's just too thick and heavy.

Probably try just saying what you want to say rather than over-loading it with big blankets of stylistic extras that end up threatening to suffocate it to death

Answer 4

are you depressed?

Answer 5

I don't even know what this paragraph is about due to all the 'cobwebs'.

Get rid of all the metaphors and hyperbole and see if you still have a compelling story. I would say you'd be left with almost nothing.

This is just a collection of of descriptions.  There is no story.

Answer 6

It is too wordy. Sounds like a want-to-be know-it-all without the breath of fresh air needed. I wouldn't read another word of it.  

Answer 7

I think it is very good! It had a moment or two where I was like "what?" but i think it will be good. Great job, :)

Answer 8

I love your wonderfully large vocabulary. I really liked the lines "...she paints them portraits of happiness, the kind that she desired, yet could never possess." as well as "...as she ensures that her laughter is heard through the deafening screams of hate that plague her mind."

However, I find that your paragraph is difficult to understand because it is too wordy. You can rewrite it using less descriptions and adjectives.

Answer 9

I think with a little work this could be really good, it's just that you seem to be trying a little too hard.  The old cliche "too much of good thing" seems to apply here.  You're doing a good job of describing the scene but you're going a little overboard on the description.  The problem is that reader gets caught up on all the description but really doesn't understand or see what's going on.

Show the reader a little more with out all of the adjectives.  Right you're telling the reader and with added to all the extra detail it's distracting.

Not trying to be harsh, just giving my opinion

Answer 10

I have no idea what this paragraph is about...

-Livvy