Open adoption question? Does it confuse the kids to have birth parents involved?

Question

I am an adoptee with a sealed adoption but it seems that open adoptions are becoming much more common. Do the children involve get confused with a birth mom and an adoptive mom involved? Do they call them both "Mom"? Does it ever undermine the adoptive parents' authority and discipline? How do you work around this? Do you get everyone together regularly or just exchange the occasional letter and photo?

When I was growing up, sealed adoptions were the only way I knew so I'm just curious about how other families have made open situations work. Thanks!

Answer 1

I think this is really a very hard question to answer - as most adoptees that come from truly 'open' adoptions (in today's terms) are not old enough to tell us themselves - and I predict that it will be many years down the track - well after they turn 18 - before we'll ever really know.

I suspect that these adoptees would ultimately (ie when they're adults) be more stable as they would always know their family of origin and have fewer secrets to contend with (which would help with their self identity and self worth). 'Success' would also totally depend on how both sets of parents handle the whole situation. I'm sure it would be hard - emotionally on both sets - but it is what is best for the child - so they must always keep that in their minds.

Often with children - they take the lead from their caregivers. If that lead is truly loving and open - the children end up being the same way.

Here are some links to first mother blogs - some of whom are in open adoptions to children born this century.

In particular - 'Paragraphein' and 'Chronicles of Munchkin Land' -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Answer 2

No. It does not confuse my daughter at all. Children aren't dumb.

It's ADULTS who make a big deal about this... if THEY are confused/insecure about their roles, then they get all freaked out by open adoption.

Answer 3

my daughter is only 2 so i'm not sure how the open adoption is going to affect her.  i do know we've talked about adoption and her other mom, dad and family a lot since her birth.  i have a picture book of them that we look through and i tell them who they are and she's starting to recognize the faces.  just from lack of knowing what to call her other mother i call her by her first name and figure my daughter can choose to call her what she wishes when she's older.  We lived in the same city until a year ago so visits have dropped, but i still send pics and letters and emails.  also now when her mother calls i let her talk to her so she'll know her voice.  I choose to do an open adoption because I felt it was in the best interest for our family and our daughter.  Especially this way she can have a chance to know her brothers and sisters that are still with her other mother.  We send gifts on holidays, mother's day and birthdays and try to visit at least once a year now.  I will always continue this open relationship until either i think it's not in the best interest of my daughter or my daughter is old enough to understand and tells me she doesn't wish to continue.  her mother is very respectful that we are her parents and are raising her, and we hopefully are respectful that she is her mother also.  during visits i try to find something to do with the other children either outside or in another room so she can spend 1 on 1 time with her daughter.  the reasoning we did an open adoption is so our daughter will not have to wonder why and where she belongs.  she can ask her other mother those questions herself and not get a biased or really i just don't know view from me and my husband.  i can't say what another person feels or thinks, so i'm hoping her being able to get answers straight from the source won't leave her feeling abandoned or not wanted.  she is the most wanted thing in our lives and her other family won't have to wonder how she's doing or what she looks like, acts or feels.  we felt that with an open adoption that hopefully our daughter will know she was always wanted and is very much loved by all of her parents, family and friends.

Answer 4

yes i am adopted and i think it would have upset me but opened adoptions are it they say. i would think that you can have pictures and stuff and all that i dont' think there is alot of interacts from the birth parents i wouldn't think so. if there is it would be confusing and yes you could say alot of things that would hurt the ones adopting you. i really dn't kwnow much about this opened thing but like you its really weird.

Answer 5

I don't see how it would be any more confusing than divorced families or step families etc

You can never have too much family or too many people loving you and knowing the truth right from the start will prevent the familial fantasies that many adoptees have from not knowing and the genetic bewilderment alot of adoptees suffer with

I think openness is much more healthy than secrecy and it should be mandatory

Answer 6

Be truthful I'm adopted and if anyone lied to me especially as a teenager i would have feeled that my life was one big lie!

Answer 7

I suggest that you look at the Evan Donaldson WEB site.  The opinions there SEEM to be based on real research.  Donaldson is an adoptive parent so I recommend that you get other opinions as well but for the most part the institute seems to be on the "up and up".

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/index.p...

I also wanted to thank Sarah J for calling her daughter's first mother a "mother" and not a "birth " mother.  Thank you for respecting their relationship.  You are an awesome mom.

Answer 8

I had an open adoption-meaning i always knew who my birthmother was. in fact she lived in the same small town as i did with my adopted parents when i was younger. she would approach my stroller or come by me if she saw me out and about with my a-mom. however my a-mom said i wouldn't look at her. i was very angry at her b/c of the home life i was in. i was 18mths and weighed 18lbs, i also was molested by one of the many men that would walk into her apartment. so when i was little i associated her with all those things. my a-mom would be the one to keep in contact with her. like if she ran in to her she would update her on how i was doing. when we moved out of state my a-mom talked with her about and was deeply concerned about my b-mom's feelings. she also offered to keep her updated-but my b-mom declined that since i was so young. my a-parents also said that at any time when i was younger they would help me get in contact with her. being adopted comes with it's own set of feelings and sometimes having contact with the birthparents can help with that. it also depends on the child some thrive on having an open adoption. then there is my case where i was angry with my b-mom for sometime and didn't use the avenues that my a-parents provided me to have a releationship with her. i so regert that now. because the last time i saw her was on her deathbed. i deeply feel it depends on how much the child can handle and each child is different

Answer 9

I was adopted by my great Aunt and uncle.  I didn't know until I was 10.  I wasn't confused, but I was hurt>  I knew my biological mom growing up, but not as my  mom.  we always visited, and it wasn't awkward until my adopted mom died.  It was shortly (like a couple weeks) after she told me I was adopted.  my bio mom is a real piece of work.  She is a drug addict, and a few other things.  i wish i had not known her as my mother.  every  time i turn around i am living in her shadow cuz my adopted family now compares me to her.  I am grown, a good family, a good life, and do none of the things my mom does.  i feel like i might have it in me though.  the hardest part is my dads.  my adoptive dad has always been there for me, but i just found my bio dad, and he is settled.  he didn't know how to find me all those years, and he is trying to make up for it, but my adoptive dad is jealous.  he is 77 and in a nursing home, and don't understand, so i can't talk about him to my adoptive dad.  i don't want to hurt either one of them.  when i got married, i got out easy because my adoptive dad couldn't get cleared from the nursing home, so my bio dad gave me away.  hope this helps.

Answer 10

My daughter has known her birth mother from the beginning. It is not confusing to her......she understands it. My daughter calls me mom and her birth mother by her first name. Her birth mom lives in another state (my home state) so we visit quite often. Our birth mother is very respectful of me as the parent yet I allow her and my daughter to have quiet moments together as mother and daughter. It's been an awesome experience for us. My daughter knows who she is and where she came from and has a very independent sense of self. I wouldn't do an adoption any other way.

Answer 11

I have a 4 year old that is adopted. I still communicate with her mother and we do the occasional letter and picture thing. We also do occasional small gifts on holidays. I have always told my daughter that she is adopted. I think it's important to know where you come from. It helps to fill the "void" that sometimes is felt when they are wondering "what was my mother like?"  "why did she give me away?" Besides, we live in a small town and I didn't want her to go to school one day and some jerk tell her before I have the chance. I don't know about your circumstance, but it has worked well for us. Her mother also doesn't have to always wonder where her child is and how did she turn out. I just always tell her that she has 2 mothers. Our town will publish birthday pictures with family information included in the article. This year I listed my husband and my name as well as her biological mother's name as her parents. Her mother is very satisfied that we've adopted "Miracle" and included her (biological mom) in her life. I know all situations can be this way, but when it works out it's nice. Good luck.

Answer 12

we tried having an open adoption "our choice not the courts nothing in writing" our son was almost 4 when he came to live with us so he knew his birth mother however he always called her by her first name never mommy, in the beginning she would come maybe once a month then every 3 or 4 months (her choice not ours) and every time she came he would be h**l on wheels temper tantrums kick her yell and scream it was like he was a different child than when she wasn't around then the visits became even more far and few in between my husband and I finally decided that it was time for her visits to end and she had no objections to that since then he has greatly improved hes 10 now, we still have photos and all the contact info if and when he decides that he would like to get in contact with her we will be there to support him. our daughter his biological sister is a bit younger and was never affected  by her visits she seemed she just didn't care and even now has no interest even hearing about their birth mother, but I guess each case is unique in its own way

Answer 13

they claim it is better for the child to know who their bio parents are as it eliminates the need to look for them or to wonder who the look like. I think too much contact would be confusing. I think pictures and report cards are the best way.

Answer 14

Absolutely not.

the adults around them?  yep.  My son's mom and I enjoy croggling peoples brains, but my son knows exactly who is who, and where we stand in his life.  She's "Mama," I'm Mommy or Mom.  His other dad isn't involved.

We get together on a weekly basis, and we make sure that all members of the family get updates on what is going on, what the current set of restrictions or privileges is, and keep the phone lines open, because he's getting to that age where they start trying to play one off against the other.

We have occasional issues, like the latest Harry Potter movie, which she had planned to take him to see, and we had to nix, because of content.

Wouldn't you have liked to have your questions answered first-hand, and not by guess and by golly when you were growing up? I sure would have.  My son gets his questions answered, even when they're hard questions.