Open and honest communication between adoptive parents and their adoptive children??

Question

Quoted from Marcy Axness, PhD, Adoptee -

"........parents who allow a child to explore all of the complex feelings—and questions—that are a natural part of the adoptive experience lay a solid foundation of trust and honesty for a deep, authentic connection with their child."

Full article here - do please have a read - (it's not too long) -

http://www.quantumparenting.com/articles/1/

Would this not be what all adoptive parents would strive for when parenting an adoptive child??

Would this not be a more healthy, loving and caring experience for all involved??

(ie - a much better plan than sticking one's fingers in one's ears - and pretending that it all doesn't matter - just because you wish to believe that it all isn't true???)

Answer 1

Good question, Possum.

I just have to say--I think she is a machine.

Really.

Answer 2

Great question Possum!

Awesome article!  It sparked a beautiful conversation between DD and myself.  Thank you.  Open communication is something i would hope all parents strive for especially adoptive parents.

Answer 3

Makes sense to me, Possum! :)))  I'm not an adoptee, but I remember a few times when my parents "spared my feelings" and weren't honest or didn't share something with me that was about my life and I had a right to know.  I felt betrayed, and these were relatively small things.  I can only imagine the betrayal an adoptee feels whose whole life has been kept from them or is lied about.  It's just unconscionable.

Answer 4

I agree with the quote you have in your question.  I would hope that that is all parent's goal...  to have an authentic connection with their child...  adopted or biological.

I did not read the article- due to time constraints.

Answer 5

I have always stated that I am a happy adoptee and that always makes people mad on !YA .  However, this is probably why I am content with being adopted.  My adoptive parents were honest with me from the beginning even before i can remember or knew what it meant i knew i was adopted.  The lines of communication were always open and my parents never avoided my questions or acted like they didn't want to talk about it.  I was able to talk about it until i was satisfied and had no other questions no matter how long it took and anytime i wanted to talk about it.  As a result, I have my adoption issues resolved early in my life because of good parents.  My parents did just what you are suggesting so idk why that upsets people here other than they just don't want to hear there is such a thing as a happy adoptee.

Answer 6

YES! i think every parent should be striving for these open lines of communication. I try so hard to do it with my kids and I think thats because it wasn't done with me. Good question poss!

Answer 7

[Why do you think that adoptive parents aren't doing this?]

Because there are still adoptive parents out there who think, "Well, my child hasn't said anything yet, so there's no way he's going to have issues about his adoption."

And the word "adoption" itself is enough to give the child an impression of having been "saved" - just look at the media.

You don't want to raise an adopted child because they were Charity Case #5483 from Guatemala - you want to raise them because they are a CHILD in need of a home.

[It is terribly sad when mentally ill extremists conclude that no adoptee is happy and that families where open communication results in a positive happy unit can not exist.]

Er, since when have adult adoptees been saying that there are NO happy adoptees?

Contrary to popular belief, quite a few of the adult adoptees are happy adoptees. Problem is, if they dare voice anything BUT happiness, they tend to lose credibility because of the win-win image.

Which is the impression you've been putting across the page. Voicing someone as a "mentally ill extremist" translates to: "You're just bitter/miserable/angry that your childhood was horrible. Stop ruining it for the rest of us!" which in turn is, once again, dismissing the adult adoptee opinion who doesn't always speak about bunnies and rainbows.

Answer 8

All children are best served if their parents permit and encourage them to explore their complex feelings. Why do you think that adoptive parents aren't doing this?

Parenting a child who joined your family through adoption often makes emotional connection much easier because we have some tricky topics that we have to cover with our children. It requires a serious emotional dialog earlier and sets parents up to establish a superior line of communication with their children.

It is terribly sad when mentally ill extremists conclude that no adoptee is happy and that families where open communication results in a positive happy unit can not exist.

Thank goodness this is completely non representative of the adoption community.

--> If you think that the bizarre bullying behavior in this forum toward anyone who isn't anti-adoption represents a community where everyone can speak her mind, you're more deluded than I had originally thought.

Answer 9

Some Aps are not into healthy communication but more so placating their own ego's. Some people can't even distinguish "superior?" parenting/communication from dictatorship.  

It would absolutely be the more loving, healthy and caring experience for all involved but unfortunately some people are just to hung up on their feelings regardless that they are the adult.  

Answer 10

Excellent articles (I read the other ones too)

What the author suggests is a lot of techniques taught in "therapeutic rapport".  They're not general conversation skills that people just learn by social interaction, it's a conscious therapeutic tool used by counselors and other people who work in mental health fields.  I learned it in nursing school, social workers learn it and I'm sure Gaia did in her work in RTCs.  

I think it is what adoptive parents strive for, but the techniques suggested aren't common knowledge.  

Great article.

Answer 11

Exploring complex feelings...well, that sounds great.  

But some of us were adopted back in the days when AP's were told to act as if nothing unusual ever happened.  And, that is exactly what my aparents did.  We never attempted to hide the fact that our family was built by adoption, but neither did we attempt to brag about it.  I was allowed to ask questions, but the answer was ALWAYS:  "I don't know."  When I expressed my desire to search, my amom told me categorically:  "You can't.  The records are sealed.  I have a birth certificate that says you are mine."  

Why, oh why, would the current generation refuse to learn from the past?