Open to all: What do you think of adoptees who angrily insist they have no desire to search?

Question

Sometimes I feel sorry for them, because it seems like they've built such strong arguments against finding their families, they have an additional fear of people reminding them that they claimed 'no interest' for so long.

Also, if they really didn't care, wouldn't a normal reaction be indifference, not fury?

Just wondering what y'all think?

Answer 1

Maybe because they like don't need to like search to feel complete and all ya' know? Its like totally natural not to want to like know where you came from and all. I'm wondering if its like, the same sunny ( no pun intended to you ) sunshine person who like has these theories that like only the crazies are on forums, even though she's here and all too, so who knows what that like, makes her out to be.

You know that theory like, all those adoptees kill so much more than the non adopted in comparisson to how many adoptees there are next to the general like..population. Maybe we should research like, how many of those non killers become totally numb to their like, common sense and feelings that they have to deny all other aspects of themselves and all.  

Answer 2

This I hope doesnt happen next year when my wifes adopted(stolen) child turns 18,either way he'll know he was adopted,adoption was not legally done but money got in birthmoms way,fancy lawyers and all.Right down to a crooked D.A. in Suffolk County NY..He will have a family history of everyone related to him from birth fathers and birth mothers side.What he does then is HIS choice alone to make.~~Gersh...LaurieDB...Possum may remember my zillion Questions from 07-08 concerning adoption,I searched everything out ,left no stone unturned.I had tracked the birthfather down to a homeless shelter in Gallup NM,got him up here in NY he stayed Feb-July with us. Long story but next year I put an end to this rotten saga that destroyed a birthmothers mind.Totally screwed up a birth fathers idea of fatherhood.Now an adopted kid will be veiwing his mom & dad in a different light. Lies got short legs,sooner or later they take a dump on you. That is my answer. Does this sound "cold hearted"? It is but the damage was already done 17 and half years ago.

Answer 3

The anger comes from the fact that they are torn. They hate that they are adopted and they know they should find their parent if for no other reason then health issues. But they don't want to feel as if they have betrayed their adopted parents. There is also the fear that what they will find will really disappoint the picture they have already built in their mind. Also, there is the fear of rejection by their biological parent.

Answer 4

I am one of those adoptees that have never searched for my birth mother. I have a sister somewhere , and thought for a moment that I found her on myspace, but I guess not. I am not angry either way.  What angers me is the fact that people think I am not normal for not wanting to search.  I have 2 adopted children - my son always wanted to find his birth family, and did, and i am fine with that. My daughter, as of today, feels the same as I do, but there is no anger involved here.

Answer 5

they're probably angry because people like you keep asking them the same question over and over again. and you probably were incredulous at their indifference. I'm adopted and 21 yrs old and I could care less where I came from, my real parents are the ones I've known all my life.

You don't think having a family is a valid reason for not caring about biological parents? seems to me you're judgmental on something you clearly don't understand.  

Answer 6

Good Question Sunny - I wil admit that not that long ago I could honestly say that I had no desire to search.  I can understand those that don't have that yearning.

However, the more I have dug deeper into the adoption world, I realize that I had told myself I didn't care because I was happy with my life. I thought what's the point of searching to only face disappointment or in my case (from what the papers say if my adoption was legit, which I do believe it to be) it would be a one in a million shot as I was abandoned.   I now know it's because of my lack of emotions that I denied my true feelings.  Now I feel like the least I can do is try...it is a bigger piece of me that I am missing that I NEED to resolve in order to move forward.  Even if don't find anything at the end of the search at least I won't have that nagging thought of, "what if I searched for them?"  

I agree that if they were okay about not searching that the 'normal' reaction being more of "you do what you do & I do what I do...so what" as I know that's how I felt when I didn't 'care'.  Just because I didn't care doesn't mean I'm mad at you for caring.

Answer 7

It is a rather odd reaction, to be so vehemently concerned over other peoples' decisions to search.  It doesn't matter in the least to me if someone doesn't want to search.  That's why I find it bizarre when someone freaks out about people who do choose to search.

Answer 8

What do I think? I think that YOU cannot know what THEY think.

I agree that they're probably tired of people like you and Gershom inferring that there's something "wrong" with them or that they're in "Denial" or a "Fog" and there not as "enlightened as you."

That's proabably why they get defensive.

No two adoptees experiences are exactly the same, nor are their feelings. It's not up to anyone else (GASP!! YEs this means YOU) to define their experience or feelings for them.  

Answer 9

Hi Sunny,

What do you think of adoptees who angrily insist they have no desire to search?

She doth protest too much.  Anyone who protests too much over an issue leads me to believe there is a hint that really does want to search.  

Answer 10

You are very wrong. I am adopted and I have no desire to search for my real father. And I am not angry either. And I will tell you why. 1.) I already have parents that care for me as if I were their own child. 2.) Why would I want to look for someone that didn't care enough for me to even contact me while I was growing up. Since you are not adopted I don't think that you are qualified to say that all adoptees are not interested in finding their biological parents bercause they are angry. A lot of us don't want to find them brecause we already know that we have parents that are not biological that love us.

Answer 11

I like you logic Sunny, I agree with you. How does that saying go? "The more one protest..."  

Answer 12

No, they probably get tired of being told "I'm in denial."

As someone who was still in "The Fog" just a year ago, I can understand how they feel. Therefore I disagree that they are in any sort of fog. I recognize that my first mother DID have to give me up and therefore LOST me, but I personally didn't feel any loss so I can understand that... No, they are NOT in denial.

Answer 13

I think that the people that genuinely don't have a desire to search already know what they want and what they don't want.  Kudos to them.

But for the ones that are angry about it... that get testy and vindictive about it... I think they protest a bit much... maybe it's not a sign that they REALLY want to search, but it IS probably a sign that there ARE some unresolved issues.

That's why I tend not to believe people on here who fight with everybody else because they're 'oh so happy.'  When these so-called 'happy' adoptees are attacking unhappy ones, then I get a little suspicious.

Answer 14

I think that it's up to the individual whether they have a desire to search or not.  I'm not adopted, so I can't pretend to understand what it feels like.

I think that if someone gets angry about their desire to search or not to search it comes down to the same reason.

People who angrily defend their decision not  to search are probably tired of defending themselves from people who think something is wrong with them for not wanting to search.

People who angrily defend their decision to search are probably tired of being attacked by people who think something is wrong with them for wanting to search.

ETA: Maybe they're tired of implications that their feelings on the matter are somehow wrong or unnatural?

Answer 15

i would be amazed if indifference would ever be a normal reaction dealing with any adoption issue - and i don't think that anyone who is not in that particular situation can really judge or decide what would be a normal reaction - i cannot imagine what it would feel like nor would i want to tell someone how they should feel about it.  i really think everyone has the ability to react differently to the situation, and it is such a deep rooted situation with deep feelings i can't imagine what would be considered normal...

Answer 16

I know several adoptees who don't want to search. They are not angry about it. They just don't care. They do not have a desire to know why they were put up for adoption. Most of them are glad that their parents made that sacrifice. Maybe they get angry bc clueless busy bodies keep telling them they have to fwant to find their families or they are in deep denial. Leave them alone.  

Answer 17

PAPA ROACH HC is my alter ego...What He said is exactly what I say.For Gersh I got my PTSD under control and am healing , I still say Thankyou too you. Dave F  

Answer 18

I'm  50 and I could care less where I came from... So sad how you assume everything,

Yes,I'm adopted...

Answer 19

If your question is about adoptees in general,

I can say I used to get REALLY IRRITATED whenever anyone asked me about it.  

a) it caused chaos inside me

b) it seemed absolutely logistically impossible - a recipe for failure

c) it seemed like a sure fire way to turn my family life into a nightmare

And none of this even had anything to do with my position on the topic...

I would get mad mostly because I felt like it was nobody's friggin' business, and they just wanted to turn me into a talk show reunion freak.    Yeah, I had a lot of hostility about that.

Or is your question directed at adoptees at this forum?

I guess I wonder why adoptees who supposedly don't have any issues come to these forums in the first place.  you'd think people in bliss would have better things to do...

Answer 20

I have to admit that I do not about this subject much at all...well almost zero in fact.

I know of a girl who searched for her birth mother. She was in her early 20s.

She felt kind of rejected by her adoptive family although everyone else claimed the opposite. But I could sense that she was NOT treated the same way as the other biological brothers and sisters ( 4 in all). She was adopted at a later stage by older parents in Ireland. They were all in great denial and insisted she was treated the same. Not so. At least from what I could see.

She searched for her biological mother in secrecy because she was having a lot of problems with her adoptive family.

A cry for help I suppose.

She finally found out her birth mother and a meeting was arranged but she backed down at the last minute..

Why ?? I am not in her mind........maybe she did not want to hear more bad news or be disappointed that her birth mother never actually looked for her in the first place. Her biological mother by the way never tried to make any further contact with her.

Pity...there are some sad stories over there,

Answer 21

*Gasp* You mean there are actually Adoptees who don't share "YOUR" view !! Wow!! Hows that possible?? Sunny and Gershom, Brain , independant define all adoptees and their thoughts, views and experience. This should not be allowed.

Anyways if they disagree just report them ........they are in denial anyways!!

Answer 22

I can see why they get angry. They just get sick of "who are your parents?". My mom was adopted, and she doesn't want to find them because "they may have given birth to me, but they aren't parents".

Answer 23

What the????? Why should we meet those awful parents that gave us up for adoption? They didnt care about us.

Answer 24

I think deep down every person longs to know where they came from.  

Answer 25

I'm not an adoptee.  However, if I had a life I was happy with, and other people kept trying to convince me that I was actually miserable, I would eventually get very pissed off.  The first couple of times I might be indifferent, but about the hundreth time someone said to me, "but you're really screwed up and miserable you know" I would probably blow up!  

Also, people who don't have "issues" with adoption might come to this forum because they want to advocate FOR adoption.  Maybe they had such a great experience that they want other people to have one too.  Maybe they only had a good or "ok" experience and want other people to have the adoption experience, but to be able to learn from theirs so that the next person's experience is even better!  

  

Answer 26

Maybe they feel such a deep connection to their adopted family that there really isn't any other "family" out there for them.  Their adopted parents are their real parents and the biological parents are just egg and sperm donors in their minds.  Just because you produce a child does not make someone a mother or father.  I also think that people don't like to be reminded constantly that they were given up.  I would give this subject a rest when talking with someone who is adopted and doesn't want to find their biological relatives.

Answer 27

I thinky unresolved  feelings just like anyone else struggling with a personal issue.

Answer 28

Personally for me I know my parents. They are the ones who raised me, love me and guided me as I grew up. There is no need to search for my BIOS. After all blood don't necessarily make a family. I think some get defensive because of all the self=righteous butt heads that are miserable about their adoptions who try to  push their misery onto others.  Don't you think it gets old hearing your in denial in a fog or some other stupid response people like you make to those who are happy. It seems that those like you who are miserable about their adoptions don't think anyone else is allowed in this forum. Well this is an open forum for all to participate in. I personally have no identity crisis. I know who I am and where I came from. Therefore there is no need to try to find someone who had nothing to do with the person I am today. I think it's sad that those who are unhappy try to make everyone as miserable as they are, or put them down because they are happy and secure in their lives. Maybe you should concentrate on your own feelings and leave others alone. After all it is a personal choice and  unless you can walk in their shoes you have no right to judge their decisions.

Answer 29

I feel bad for anyone here who is "angry" about their cause.  Me, I don't want to search and I could care less but I'm not angry about it.  They've left me to live my life with my adoptive family, the only family I've known and loved, and I'm quite content to let them live their life.