Opening paragraph? would you read on?

Question

I'm only turned seventeen so try take that into consideration.

what are your thoughts?

It was one of those auspicious nights she had read about in those hardback adventures about heroes, villains and the damsel who was always in distress. The moon was full and glowing against heavy black clouds and the night air was crisp, standing where the water and earth met. An owl flew over her, striking against the black sky. She smiled to herself wishing she was as free as a bird; the smile had a sick sense of covetousness. She knew she had to return. If her father had known she was here she would have spent another six moons in the brig. Nauseous at the thought, she sadly turned away from the land, and walked back to the ship.

Answer 1

I would definitely read on! That's brill well done :)

Answer 2

It's pretty good. I would definately read on.

Answer 3

wow, that's real good. It sounds like one of that books I'd never be able to understand. I think people would read on, I would if I was into that genre. Great job!

Answer 4

I like the imagery of your opening paragraph, but.....

one small query.

You can have the ''moon was full and glowing, and the

night air was crisp'', or ''heavy black clouds stood between

the water and where the earth met''

You can't have them both: it doesn't make sense.  

Answer 5

I would definitely read on. I am intrigued, dear friend.

Answer 6

Yes I definitely would. The description is very good, it makes you picture it in your mind. Just try not to cram so many big words into each paragraph. You need to understand that people will get them picture when reading it but they may get annoyed if there are loads of words they don't understand. It really is good though, carry on and post some more :-)

Answer 7

I would definitely read on, maybe you could post the whole book when you finish lol

Answer 8

I thought that was really good, the discription was very very good. From what ive read id give it 10/10!  

Answer 9

That's pretty good. I'd keep reading. It really sounds like a novel some professional wrote. Wish I could sound like that when I write...

Answer 10

I think I would, but it was a bit too detailed and confusing. I like your plot though! I think if you made this a novel, I'd read it, but in the beginning you really need to try and grab the reader's attention, and I just kind of got a bit bored. Maybe if you had a little less detail, it would be a better beginning.

Answer 11

Aww wow!

Its really good. The imagery is faantastic and your imagination is pretty good too!!

:D

x

Answer 12

I think the ideas are good but I would change the language a little.  

In the first sentence you use the word "those" twice and the word "about" twice.  Try to think of better wording.

"the damsel who was always in distress"

Instead I would use "damsels in distress".  Don't make phrasing unnecessarily complicated.

We don't see the moon "against heavy black clouds". Black clouds may move across the moon, or the moon may be obscured by clouds, but we don't see the moon against the clouds.  Wwe might glimpse it through the clouds.

"the night air was crisp, standing where the water and earth met"

That wording makes it seem that it was the night air that was standing where the water and earth met.  Is that what you mean?  If so, we don't usually refer to air as such an entity.  If you mean the moon, then you need to reorganize that sentence.  Do you mean she was standing where the water and earth met?  Your meaning is not clear.

I would not use the word "covetousness".  It is really not used much.  The word "envy" reads much better.

"If her father had known she was here she would have spent another six moons in the brig."

Use "knew" instead of "had known" and "would spend" instead of "would have spent".