Opinion on adopting S-I-Law 4 kids, have 3 kids of own?

Question

I got a call from DCF yesterday saying they were taking parental rights from my S-I-L permently, (they are placing her children up for adoption) they are ages -7yr old twin boys, 7 yr old girl, and 6 yr old g, I have a 13 yr old, 12 yr and 9 yr old, this would give us a total of 7 children, we have a 4 bedroom home, and we have a 7 passenger van, so we would need more space and a bigger vehicle, me and hubby have tried talking about this and we end up in a screaming match, my hears says keep them and financially I don't know if we can, there is no once else to keep them at all, and we are the only ones, and hubby is upset once they are adopted we would never see the again, what should I do. I'm confused.

Answer 1

I know it would be really hard, but I think you should adopt them.

In 6 years two of them would be legal adults.  Would you get money from the state for adopting them?  Could you have a fundraiser to help get a new van?

Good luck.

Answer 2

So apparently your sister-in-law adopted them?  This must be your husband's sister?  Where is the children's adoptive father or did she adopt them alone?  So I really need more info to figure out what I think.  None of these children are blood relatives to you or your husband?  WOW!  These poor kids sound really screwed!

My brother and SIL have a 4 br 1 bath house with seven children, one is adopted, and care for infants in foster care on a temp basis.  Her Mom & Dad, (who are divorced) also live with them.  Poor as church mice.  And I've never seen happier, more well adjusted kids.  He's in the Army Reserves and does construction when available and she works at their Church's private school in lieu of tuition.  The Army bought them a new van big enough for the entire family while he was in Iraq and bought the children new bunk beds.  I mention this because maybe the military can help with things you need.

If they offered assistance it is very likely Adoption Assistance payments and they are the same amount you would get for each child if you were fostering them.  It has to be around $500 per child.  They may also provide help with day care expenses and a yearly clothing allowance.  Before you make any decision ask them what types of assistance are available to you.  You'd be surprised.

They must not be birth siblings with their ages so close together.  I'm wondering how long they have been together.  They will surely be split up if they go back into the system.  How traumatic for them.

My children are all grown and gone.  My sister passed away suddenly a year ago and left her profoundly disabled 15 year old to me and my husband.  You and your husband have every right to panic over this horrible situation.  It took me at least three months to come out of shock.  My husband was out of state working and didn't get home for five months.  Then he went into shock for about three months and I was so terrified that I might lose one of them during the transition.  Then one day I simply asked him if he was asking me to choose between my nephew who would certainly go into an institution and be tied to his bed 20 hours a day or my husband of over 30 years.  He sat up and looked at me and looked at my nephew and walked over to him, sat down next to him and pulled him into his arms and my boy smiled and said, "Dad, squeeze tight."  (My sister raised him alone with help from my husband and I and he has always called my husband Dad.)  My husband burst into tears and they wrestled around and played for awhile.  Then he got up and came over to me and hugged me and said the he was afraid.  I told him I'm afraid too.  He told me he loves our boy and always had and that he just needed time to adjust.

It's a year later and you would think we'd been doing this forever.  No more panic attacks.  No more worrying about whether we're doing a good job or not.  We are just living our lives with our new son and we are all three very happy and content.

I hope your family has a happy ending for all, also.

Answer 3

Wow...this is a tough decision.  I have a SIL who only gets to see her kids under supervised visitation...thankfully her ex (the father) is great with the girls, and has custody - but I've wondered about what would happen if something were to happen to him.

I think I would do everything I can to keep those kids together and in the family.  Whatever decision you make, make sure that you won't regret it down the line.

All the best.

Answer 4

i know it sounds like a lot, but i am the second oldest of 8 kids and we had 3 bedrooms, an attic (my room), and an unfinnished basement as another room. looking back now it was a really small space, but me and my family are best friends and i wouldn't have trade my life for anything, i rarely owned anything that wasn't a hand me down, and we shopped at thrift stores.... now the kids are growing up, moving out...

anyway i'm saying if you can do it, it would be in the best intrest of the kids.

good luck, learn how to cut corners, and love them as if they were always yours

Answer 5

Have you seen the kids?  Spoken to them about this?  How do they feel?  

Sure things would be tight and you would have to cut back, but consider the kids...going to live with strangers, the possibility of being separated from each other, is this something you're prepared to see happen to them?  

I would check into whatever types of assistance you could possibly get.  Find ways to cut corners, buy in bulk, shop at thrift and consignment stores, no more eating out, etc.  It would be a huge sacrifice but in the end, family is family.  And it's just a few years, really, and the kids will be grown and graduating and moving out...and thanking you for not letting them disappear into the ether.

IDK...if the Duggars can do it, you can too.  These kids are your family!

Answer 6

hmmm, if they are terminating her rights already then that means the children have already been removed months ago. As they cannot terminate rights untill all other re-unification efforts have failed. so where have the children been all these months? 15 month time frame is the national standard for giving the parents time to get their lives in order to get kids back. If they are involved with DCF that makes them considered special needs and whomever adopts them would get financial help something like a foster care payment.

Answer 7

Sit down with the paycheck. Do you have enough to feed, clothe, and provide toys for them? Look at the price of a bigger van. Could you afford it without going into debt? Do the children all get along well or would it lead to yelling and resentment. I understand they are blood, but you'ld be changing things for your kids as well. Would their quality of life suffer? Would there still be money to do the things your family now enjoys? They'll get resentful if you have to take them out of activities and can't eat out because there is no money anymore. You could hand-me-down with the clothes some, but you are still looking at a much bigger clothing bill than you are used to. As long as the conversation turns into a screaming match, the answer is a definate NO. Once you get numbers written down, it might be easier to deal with the details of adding the kids or not.

Answer 8

I say that, if you are not financially capable then you should reconsider. We took on three little ones and children services in our area offered no help. The only solution to our problem was welfare. Plus, giving attention to that many extra children could possibly be damaging to your own children. When you think about it, think how it will effect your family as a whole. We jumped in so quick, that we ended up financially drained. Our kids have been lacking in good quality time with mom and dad. Really think it through. What you want to do is a very noble thing, I give you alot of respect for even considering it.

Answer 9

Let me just add one other option to the mix.  Consider taking legal guardianship of these children.  By doing so, they still have a connection to their parents, AND in many cases, you & hubby will continue to receive financial support & medical insurance for the children until the age of 18.  The kids will also receive any needed therapy or counseling!  Including mom & dad...(you two)

There are 2 types of legal guardianship - one which does not require regular court involvement.  Speak to their DCF attorney to ask about these options.  

Good luck and best wishes for your family.  God bless you for choosing such a loving option!