Opinions needed on how to handle this situation. There have been no probs as of yet with my daughters father.?

Question

Background: My daughter is 8 months old, father and I are not together, broke up 9 months ago when he cheated and moved out(love him dearly but thats the dealbreaker), we have an amicable relationship, not messing around, no drama, no arguments at all. Until now. Yesterday I took my daughter to her father's hse for the weekend (a few weeks ago he moved into a hse). I took a tour of his hse to check out where my daughter would sleep. we were on the porch talking when a chick and her son walked up. I spoke, he didn't introduce her, so i didn't knw if she was there for him or his roomie, so figured she was of no importance. I have told him b4 that I know he is going to date and to not have my daughter in bed with u and another woman. abt 20 min later, when im home she called (his phone). Saying did he tell u he had a gf and we live together. I said no. she started talking about how she felt I needed to know in case there were any probs. I said (still very calm) why r u calling me? she said he told me to. I said put him on the phone. He says he felt it had no relavance. I said who you have my child around is of relavance, I don't care what u do in your personal life but i would like to know ppl that she will be around, especially if they live there, of course I won't know every woman but I expect every woman not to meet my child either. she was yelling at him abt this, I asked where is the baby. she was right there. so i said u all are arquing in front of her. I said i don't like her in that environment im coming to get her, which i did. now when i got over there, he came out, she did also after him. just yabbing yabbing yabbing. I said no disrespect but I need to speak with my daughter's father, I could care less about your relationship but thanks for letting me know since u felt i needed to. she kept talking and I asked her twice to excuse herself. she said u all can talk with me here. i was getting upset bc all this is unneccessary. She was making a scene. I said if and when u become mrs only then will u become a part of a conversation about our child until then u have nothing to say to me. He went in the hse to get the carseat, him and I stood by the car and talked for a while. He is telling me to trust his judgement, which I normally do, but u can't even be truthful about who is living with you I have never even seen this woman, she is new on the scene (to my knowledge) it would be different if u have been around a while. u are more afraid I will be upset, I have told him our relationship is separate from the one u have with your daughter so even if i am upset with him, i have never taken it out on my baby and his relationship. I feel he sets the precedence on what my daughter will accept from a man, I don't want her seeing him with several women bc I don't want her to think thats okay. I don't know how to proceed. am i blowing this out of proportion? she is making a scene over something small, isn't it usually the babys mom who starts drama? I think I have handled myself very calmly but I feel very disrespected. what should i do?

Answer 1

Set some ground rules for the future. Like you said, you don't need or want to know about every woman but the ones living there or who will be hanging around when your daughter is there you need to know about them. Likewise, he may not know about every man you date but if one is going to be around a lot or moving in, you will do the courtesy of letting him meet the man and know who he is.

Tell him you are not doing this to be controlling, but that you don't want your little daughter to bond with anyone who's a bad influence or who's not going to be around for the long term.

Also that he doesn't have to kick "Veronica" and her son out over this but in the future you both should be seeing someone for a while and quite serious about the relationship before living with them and that you should both be taking any red flags about being controlling or having bad habits very seriously before letting anyone into your daughter's life.

Best to all of you. :-)

Answer 2

That is a very hard situation you are dealing with and I commend you for not freaking out more, as I would do. I am pregnant just getting into my second trimester and the dad has already done that to me. I would have him come over to your house for a while to visit the baby, that is unless he takes her overnight. I would not want my baby (especially that young) around any other girl besides me, as I know what is best for it. I highly doubt that their relationship will work out, as she is obviously already controlling and you just met her. So good luck, get away to your parents house or something to cool off, maybe go to court and try to get full custody of her.

Answer 3

You have every right to know who will be around your child. When she grows up, you will want to meet her friends and their parents and this situation hits even closer to home and is even more personal. It is completely understandable. However, if she lives there with your ex, it is likely that your daughter will be left in her care as well as his. So, you can talk about these concerns in front of her. But you both need to be respectful with each other. There are obviously things that need to be discussed in private between you and your ex, including this specific argument. But in the future there is no harm in her being in the vicinity if you are talking about what to feed her or similar things.

Yes, he would be setting a bad example by having tons of women around. But, unfortunately there is not much you can do about that because that is his private life. You can ask that he not bring them around your child and if he was respectable he would respect your view. You can also ask that if it gets serious with a woman and he wants to introduce the child to her, that he also introduces you to her. As the child gets older, this will not be as necessary.