Opinions on a story by a eleven-year-old?

Question

I'm currently write a story, needs a lot of editing and I'd like opinions on it, since I want to become an author one day. Its only the first chapter though. http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2545686/1/Secrets_Revealed_in_Shadows

Answer 1

You write really well. You should be saying that one day you want to be a ´published author´because you are an author already. It´s not my kind of thing, my favourite books are 'Moscow to Petushki' by Viktor Erofeev and 'If On A Winter´s Night A Traveller' by Italo Calvino but you're a very accomplished writer - the dialogue and the character descriptions are all very nice to read and very real. You don't waste words either.  I don't actually believe that you are eleven but, if you really are, then finish your book and become one of the youngest fiction writers ever. I'm sure your book will get published on its merits alone but the fact that you are so young will be very attractive to any publishing house with the great publicity that your age will attract. But you aren't eleven - I don't believe for a second that an eleven year old could write this. I'm only answering this because it would be fantastic if it were true...

-edit-

Yes, of course you're eleven. I am getting a tiny, tiny bit old and so I forget what ages are what, if you see what I mean. I was just thinking about what I was reading and writing when I was your age and, anyway, I don't doubt you.

Ok, well, for what it is worth.

I think that there are actually too many adjectives. Everything is a bit too descriptive,  Take the example of the boys - they are 'rough, grubby, just plain cruel' then 'muscular, meaty, and substantial in muscle and looming' and then their eyes are described 'enormous, bloodshot, infuriated'. You certainly get a very good impression of these boys but it's just a bit too much and I think it ought to be pared down a little. I'd have just 'rough' then 'muscular and looming' and 'bloodshot' myself.

Also I think some more locative description could be nice, buildings, surroundings. There is some but a little more wouldn't hurt and you are very good at description so I'm sure that it would work very well.

Another thing, and I don't doubt that you have kept an eye to this to some extent yourself, but avoid repetition.  For example, "Everyone soundlessly trouped aboard and Brian was one of the last one’s to get on. His ears were immediately filled with sound" - The repetition of 'sound' reveals your train of thought. Of course I'm sure your aware of this sort of thing. Substituting a synonym would do 'filled with noise.'

You write very well. You are obviously very bright and, I don't know what your reading habits are, but you could even think about starting to read classic literature! Maybe something American and fairly modern like F Scott Fitzgerald or something. I dunno, I don't think it's my place to advise on books to read, perhaps ask your teacher...  In time you will have much more experience of life and tha\t will reshape your writing entirely so another thing that you can do is just wait...

Keep up the good work!

Answer 2

Eleven? Seriously? Wow. Not the greatest, but getting there.  

Answer 3

Bravo! Yay! Yippee!

That is terrific, I'd very much enjoy reading more. You are incredible and I'm glad I got to read some of your early stuff!  Some day you'll have many books behind you, maybe even become very well known!

Very, very interesting, I wanted to read faster to see what was going to happen next! I like your descriptive manner, it's wonderful to see in my minds eye the things you're describing.

Congratulations and best wishes.