Opinions on an amature poem?

Question

Er, I wrote this poem and just wanted some opinions, critique, commentary, critisism, etc. Here I go...

As I sat there, contemplating

My mind was gently, slowly skating

Thoughts did drift, forming, shaping

Never stopping, never waiting.

They were twirling; dancers fair

Only I was watching there

Only I gave them care

Twirling thought, dancers fair.

In the realm of thoughts and dreams

Tearing at the very seams

Hope would glisten, sparkle, gleam

In the realm of thoughts and dreams

Far my mind, alone, can travel

All around, the dreams unravelled

All alone, my mind had travelled

As my sanity unravelled.

Phantoms drifted through the space

Here a voice; there a face

A smell, a touch, a sound, a taste...

Moving, drifting, through the space...

Answer 1

wonderful and loved the title :-)

Answer 2

It was amazing the title is cool...

Answer 3

First off, I was thoroughly impressed with this poem.  The timing is excellent, the rhyming is excellent, and I love the subject matter.  I get a very mysterious impression while I read it and I love that.  I think you could publish this poem and it would do well.  And I certainly detect the talent behind this poem so I bet you could repeat this success.

The only thing I have to say is not criticism really.  It's encouragement.  Your introduction to the poem was hesitant as if you weren't sure what kind of reception this poem would get.  Well, I can't imagine anyone giving this poem a negative review.  And I think you could have done more with this poem but didn't believe that it would be good enough.  I really enjoyed this poem and I think that there could be more to it.  I like to read long poems that have plot and substance, such as Poe's The Raven.  I think you have the kind of talent to write poetry like that.

Answer 4

i like it. it sounds a little tolkien-esque rhythmwise but that's not a bad thing in my opinion.

it sounds like it could even be a gothy kind of song, sung by a band like evanescence. (love them)

Answer 5

Rhyming is being stretched to breaking.

d

Answer 6

The poem has much going for it.....it seems you have input a lot of thought and care into its construction.

I'm not fond of the 'did' on the third line.....seriously, try not to use this it is a contrivance found only in quite poor poetry. There is nothing wrong with 'Thoughts drifted (same syllable count) forming, shaping.  

You have made a rod for your own back by using the same rhyming sound for all four lines in each verse....and in some cases you have repeated the rhyme word, which is not advisable.

However, as I said at the outset....there is a lot here to be proud of.  The rhythm of the verses is good and your subject choice is well-presented.

(Amateur)

(criticism)

Answer 7

A beautifully constructed poem, in which the form reflects the subject with engaging skill.

The repetition of rhymes, although a hard trick to pull off, was successful in suggesting repeated movements of a dance.

This is far, far better than most of the self-indulgent muck that infests this site. Please allow us to see some more of your work!