Opinions on song i wrote....? :)?

Question

ok this is the second song i wrote.

that i actually like a bit ahahah

its about this girl who is in pain every day. like she hates herself and everything around her; and everyone at my school made it hard for her... and didnt let her in to their lives which is what made her life so hard. sooo i wrote this song about her and me trying to help her and what everyone else thought of her as.

so please tell me what you think

thanks :)

VERSE 1

Choked upon breaths

Unformed words

Silence puts up the wall; she takes refuge

Torn from the inside

Caused gauges of hatred on the outside

No compassion

No life

She is dead inside

CHORUS

Confined by peoples’ words

She intakes her faults

Releasing sorrowful cries

I help her stand; she falls

Meaningless in the sense of hope

Fall asleep; it’s then you are awake

VERSE 2

She yearns for pain

You seek to cause more

I grieve at your sickness

I ask you for one thing;

Fill the absence of your heart

Self-hatred absorbs hers

Selfish as you are;

You’re just as lost

CHORUS...

BRIDGE

It’s what has begotten you

Self-hatred has swallowed you whole

Restrain these harsh words

Seize yourself from this pain

Long to fill your non-existence

CHORUS...

Answer 1

I read through your song 3 times.  It's beautiful, but more like beautiful poetry.  I would like to know if it's intended to be hard rock?  Sort of sounds in the words as if it would be the best sound for these words.  If I were to make this into a song (my opinion only) I'd simplify some of the words, but leaving the true meaning of how you said it or your orginal choice words.  I still like it and inside I feel it also.  I especially like the second verse.  am i correct the second verse is intended for the people who seem to be causing this girl the pain

Answer 2

Very good,i like thi song..whats the tune supped to be?

Answer 3

i need the tune to be able to know if i like it  

Answer 4

I don't think it's a well-formed song, lyrically.

I can't imagine listening to a song with those lyrics.  

I like dark themes sometimes, but this just doesn't do it for me personally.