Opinions on this poem I wrote?

Question

I can feel the smoke

Flowing through my nostrils

and I want to cry

Knowning that it's you again

You know I care about you

Why is it always the clever ones?

And people say I look so much like you

Sometimes I even act and talk like you

I've seen it

But when I see you like this

I never want to be like you ever again

And I can still feel the smoke

which makes you so happy

and makes me so sad

Answer 1

Oh, joy. Free verse.... it's okay, I can get through this...

The last few lines seem a little artificial, like there isn't enough developement happening before you close the poem off. It's like - okay, so you feel smoke in your nostrils, you want to cry, you reflect on some stuff, you state your resolve... but the last few lines just don't seem to put that final stamp on everything.

Maybe it's because you're stating that this other person is so happy because of "the smoke", and it makes you sad? You don't really state why you never want to be like this person. Why, exactly?

Maybe it's because there's no action happening. You never want to be like this person... but you're still standing there, smelling smoke? You don't say anything about leaving, or breaking up, or disowning, or enacting whatever form of separation you need to do to not be like this person.

I guess my request would be to flesh it out a little and add a few lines about why you don't want to be like this person, and what you're doing about it.

Saul

Answer 2

ummmmm ill pass.

Answer 3

Grow up