Opinions please! Be honest!?

Question

A Shack on Mary’s drive

On Mary’s Drive I dwell

Accompanied by few

To this day I’m the smallest shack

Mary’s drive has ever knew

Surrounding me are houses

Much bigger, much more strong

Their walls are covered in hard red brick

Material for which I long

They were shacks once long ago

This fact I know as true

Yet unlike me made out of tree

Received they materials new

Within those brick lined walls

Lies a group of their own breed

Families known as “the nation’s best”

Fill their homes with greed

A shack on Mary’s Drive

On Mary’s Drive I dwell

My walls are old and wooden

Far from an easy sell

With all these facts against me

I cannot help but grin

I’m much too old and tiny

Yet somehow I still win

Look past my broken hinges

Look through my window small

Deep within me, a group of three

They’ve close to nothing at all

As they look upon their neighbors

I look upon mine

We may not have those hard red bricks

But we’ll remain just fine

What we possess is FAMILY

And yes that is a wealth

We’ll stick together through the rain

Through sickness and through health

-ME- <33333

Answer 1

You clearly attack the material (your diction is scalding, especially &quot;greed&quot;) and valorize community, but why can&#039;t people have both?  Does the pursuit of material wealth always come at the expense of human relationships?  Your message is black and white; enrich with gray.  Also, you condemn the material pursuit, but the narrating shack apparently longs for material (see line 8).  Isn&#039;t that contradictory?

Also, I think reassessing voice would do your message good.  Why do you channel your message through a &quot;shack&quot;?  I think that that diction is a little empty in more senses than one.  House has much more communal, familial connotations than &quot;shack.&quot;  But even house, I don&#039;t think, really speaks to community.  Speak through a member of &quot;FAMILY,&quot; not as the husk in which they are housed.

I recommend that you check out T.S. Eliot&#039;s &quot;The Waste Land&quot; to inform your treatment of material abundance coupled with spiritual lack.  Also, Gaston Bachelard&#039;s &quot;The Poetics of Space&quot; would enhance your treatment of &quot;shack&quot; and &quot;house.&quot;  Bachelard analyzes the poetic significance of abodes in many forms, from houses to shells and nests.  Both of these texts, I think, would give you room to grow in (pun intended).  

  

  

Answer 2

nice ^^ but fix some lines that I think the sentence is a bit weird

Answer 3

I am no poet but I and I don&#039;t know the laws...but I like the imagery  

Answer 4

VERY GOOD ! Really ...but I would only change the order of two words ........line 12 (Received and they)

I&#039;d make it .....They received