Opinions please tell me what you think

Question

Breath in breath out

simple enough

breath in breath out

a function i have done since before memory

breath in

do they see it?

can they see me drift away

to visions of your hands caressing my thighs

your lips dancing across my neck

forming soundless words spoken for eons

I know they can see it

they must see it written across my face

do they notice as I drift off from reality

or see me smile like a mad person

to thoughts of conversations past

breath out

I am here again

grounded in this ugly reality

my so called life

what life?

going through the motions

breath in, breath out

routines,

awake, asleep its all the same

meaningless

joyless

hopeless

breath in

finally i am back to you

Answer 1

Wow! It took me about 3 readings in order to understand were you were heading with this. I would give you a 7 out of ten in this one because of the creativeness you used with the breath in, breath out thing. Really loved that! The only suggestion i would give you is to express youre emotions more creatively. Through out this  poem, i had a feeling that the character was in a dream like state. As if someone was day dreaming about days of yore'. But then as he breaths out, he/she realizes the harsh reality that is and is going to become, no pun intended, real. it goes from a pleasure, to a harsh, and brutal realization. Its these emotion that you must express more dedescriptivelyn order to get the reader to feel what you are feeling. To see it in the poets perspective, you must be able to create strong images with youre words. Other than that though, i really liked it. As i always say, a poem never goes finished. I hope to see more of youre pieces!