Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but mom won't do anything!?

Question

My stepson is 4 years old, and has very obvious ODD (Oppositional Definat Disorder)

http://www.revolutionhealth.com/articles/oppositional-defiant-disorder-/sto167608

His daycare had mentioned it to my husband, and when researching it on the internet, it is very apparent that this could be the case. He has been kicked out of 4 daycares , and his behavior is getting worse and worse. Whenever you tell him no, even with full explanations as to why the answer is no, he will throw kicking and screaming tantrums and start swearing at you, telling you he hates you (he told his daycare lady, on the first day, when is was time to switch from playing with toys to their art activity that she was stupid, he hated her, he was going to p**p in her eye, and kick her ***.... in one long sentence!).

The problem is that mom does not see this at all. Anytime he screams/swears/throws tantrums, she is so concerned with what the other child/daycare workers did to him to make him so upset. He has no rules at her house, eats whatever he wants whenever he wants (hence the 8 cavities/2 pulpotomies/2 crowns he has when my husband took him to the dentist on one of our summer weeks last month). We only have him every other weekend right now, so what can we do to fix this? She refuses to talk to my husband (my stepson has never known mom and dad together, as they only dated for a couple of months), she won't even tell him if my stepson has eaten when we pick him up.

How can we treat this before he really struggles when school starts. The last thing I want is for her to ruin his life by making excuses for him constantly, then send him off to live with us as a teenager when he is out of control (we would take him to come live with us in a second right now!)

Any advice concerning this issue for our family would really help!

Thanks!

We have not seen a psychologist for him lately, as we only have him every other weekend. The only reason we were able to take him to the dentist was because of summer visitation. The frustrating part is that she will not take him to a psychologist. My husband and her took him to see one last winter, and the psychologist was focusing more on her parenting than on his behavior problems, so she quit taking him!

Also, we just went to court on the 18th of last month to try and get more visitation. My husband works a week on, a week off, for work, so instead of my stepson being in daycare on thursday and friday (then coming to our house friday night until sunday night), my husband requested my stepson be with him from thursday morning until monday morning (we have a 2 1/2 year old son who desperately misses his big brother :(. If the judge rules in our favor, then I think that taking him to get formally diagnosed would be a positive thing.

Answer 1

Yeah, what Bindy said!

Answer 2

your child doesn' t need a label...Mom is letting him get away with murder!! That's the problem right there. Gosh I can't stand mothers like that...they think they're doing their kid a a favor meanwhile they are just making their little lives h**l. You need to talk to his mother or go to court  

Answer 3

What state do you live in ? Is it in MD?  I asked because I have a 3 1/2 year old who has issues but is HIGHLY intelligent.  She is seeing a behaviorist 2X a week and is having a psych eval in 2 weeks.  Be glad you have help, I am doing this alone.  She has had issues of running away too to the point of I had to call the police 4 x in a month.

I am doing all I can, and getting help,...just know you are not alone.

I will be happy to share some of the things I am doing to get life more manageable with her.

Answer 4

You are in a no win position. As my son is now divorced with the same visitation rights, my 7 year old grandson is now cussing and as you said, thanks to "mom's" behavior. Your stepson does not have ODD, he has MDC...mom don't care.....When a child gets his way all the time this is the result of the behaviorism's that you see. The only way to correct this is for both parents to get together and set the same rules. Which in your case wont happen. The phys was right when they started talking about mom needing to change. You may find that eventually you will have to go to court to get custody. But by the time you decide to do that, it will be almost to late. These are the formative years, the years that will set the child's behavior for the rest of his life. I can promise you when you take this child to the psych..you are going to find there is nothing wrong mentally with him. I would put money on it................if I had any.........

Answer 5

Half the problem is her parenting! Get the kid to a psychologist and once you get the diagnosis show it to a judge!