Other side of the table..?

Question

As a woman who has given up a baby for adoption i have heard everything from you are so brave to you are so selfish. I get it...some people have the views that it is a selfish thing to do and it ruins lives and isn't a fairytale.

What about the people on the other side? The adoptive mother had ovarian cancer at 23 and had to have a hysterectomy so could never have children. What about her? Does she not deserve the chance to have the family she has always dreamed of?

And where does that leave me? Doing the selfish thing or helping a family?

Answer 1

I do not think it is necessarily selfish to give a baby to adoptive strangers.  If you feel that you could not adequately provide for your child, I don't think that you should let anyone label you as selfish.

That said, I don't think it is honorable either and I totally do not understand glorifying "birth" mothers for their choice.  It is very disrespectful to an adoptee to label their transfer from their family of origin as an act of "helping a family" to fulfill their dreams.  Sure it may turn out to be a fairy tale for the adults, but what about the child?  Where was his/her say in the transaction that "helped a family"?  I think it makes adoptees sound like pawns.

Answer 2

I'm an adoptive mother of one child and biological mother of two others.  My son was removed from his biological mother in early infancy, so I'm not dealing with a birth mother who chose to give up her baby.

Still, I lean toward "you're brave".  It is not something I could ever have done.  I could not have handed over my biological OR adopted babies to anyone else. Of course, I was mature and had confidence in my ability to provide a really nice childhood and lots of love to my children.

I resent it when people imply that an adopted child's life is "ruined".   I know a lot of people, besides my son, who don't feel as if their life was the least bit ruined because they were adopted as babies.

I certainly don't think you did a selfish thing when you placed your baby for adoption.  I don't think, either, that you did it in order to help the other family.  As an adoptive mother I've always figured if I didn't adopt my son there were a zillion other people who would have loved to.  I don't see his birth mother as doing something that involved me when she did it.  I came after her actions.

Having said those things, I think you did what you believed in your heart was the right thing to do.  Whether you thought someone else could offer your baby a more solid upbringing, or whether you just didn't have the fierce maternal instinct and desire to raise the baby that would stop you from being able to place him/her for adoption doesn't matter.  In your heart you did what  - for whatever your reasons were - you believed was the right thing to do.

Not everyone would be strong enough to be able to do that, and you deserve respect for both doing what you believed was right and having the strength to be able to tough out such a hard decision.

Adoption is never about "other people's views".  I've learned that as an adoptive mother, and I tried to make sure my son always knew that too.  Adoption is about what is in the hearts of the people involved - the child, the birth mother, and the adoptive parents and family. There's too much ignorance about adoption in this world to let other people's views have any impact on you.

Raising a child (a biological or adopted one) definitely has its fairytale moments, but getting a child from infancy to adulthood is generally not, as you said, a fairytale.  It takes a tremendous amount of thinking and work and energy and worry. Still, when it comes to my son (who is adopted) I've always felt that God, for some reason, wanted us together; and there has always been a very strong sense of spirituality tied with the fact that he and I ended up together.

I once remarked about what a gift I had been given to have this child, and the person I was talking to said, "Have you ever considered that maybe you were the gift to him?"  I had not.

Birth mothers make a tough decision to do what they believe is the right thing.  Adoptions may not be non-stop fairytales, but they can have a magic in them, and most of the time they don't ruin anyone's life.

I would hope you find solid sureness in the knowledge that you did what you thought was right - and that is not selfish.  Again, don't pay attention to ignorant opinions.

Answer 3

being a mother myself i cant imagine life without ladybug however every situation is different giving up a child just because you just dont want it is selfish you should get yourself fixed if you know you never want kids giving them up because its nothing you can do for them & they will suffer a great deal with you is a unselfish act adoption should not be for the easy way out  but for people that has no other choice not just because however i'm proud of every mother that chose life for their kids and did adoption this is just my veiws and not fact or judgement on anyone you have to walk a mile in someone elses shoes to know what its like so no judgement here just my veiws from where i stand !!!

Answer 4

The only concern should be what's best for the child.   Most often that means being with Mommy.

Nobody is entitled to nor owes their child to anyone.   We are human beings, not gifts to be given to the less fortunate.

Much as I love and adore my adoptive parents; I should have grown up with my mother.

Answer 5

I am actually all for adoption.  It gives a child a chance at life, better than the alternative of abortion in my opinion.  I think that adoption is a great way for some families to complete their family.  Sometimes woman have children that they just for whatever reason can't properly care for and I think that when you take the time to find a great family for that baby then you are doing a brave thing. Yes I think the ones that just dump their child(ren) off somewhere and walk away are doing a selfish thing, the ones that have no interest where their child will end up.  But for those woman out there that take the time and meet the adoptive parents and make sure the baby is going to a great home I think it is a very brave and loving thing to do.

Yes the adoptive mother should be given the chance to hae a family of her very own, cancer shouldn't take that away from her.  Sometimes the human body isn't ok to have a blood born baby but that doesn't make them any less fit to be a parent.  I see it as you helped a woman have her dream of being a mother and you helped your baby have a life with a wonderful loving mother that truly wants her.  You took the time to find the right family and didn't just hand your baby over to some stranger and that to me means you were helping create a family.

Answer 6

No one DESERVES a child.  Having children is not a right.  It's a sad thing when a women who wants a child cannot have one.  But she's not ENTITLED to one.  

Except in cases of neglect or abuse, it's better for the child to stay with his or her mother.

ETA: I know you think you did what's best.  I'm just telling you, as a child who was relinquished (and now an adult), what I wanted, most of all, was not a family who could give me things, nor did I want to be a gift to a woman who couldn't have children of her own.  I wanted my mom.  And she wasn't there.

Answer 7

First let me say I'm am sorry for the rude comments you have received. Then let me say that not all of us who are adopted think that it was a bad thing nor was our lives ruined.There are many reasons a woman will put her child up for adoption. This does not make you a bad person, quite the opposite. As long as you feel that you did what was best for the child and for you (because you do matter also) then don't let the adoption haters make you feel bad. Unless someone has been in your shoes they have no right to condemn you. You did a very selfless thing, giving your child a chance for a life you couldn't give them, and if it helps another couple become a family that is also a good thing. The ones that are putting you down are so absorbed in their own self-pity that they can see no good in anything concerning adoption. Those people need to understand that just because they are unhappy not the whole adoption population feels that way.  Those types of people do not want to hear the good that has come from adoption (and there is alot of good). So you hold your head up high and know that you did what you thought was best. Because in the long run as long as you know what you did was for the best and the child is well taken care of that is all that matters.  Unless they have walked in your shoes they have no right to try to make you feel bad just because they are unhappy.

Answer 8

I think giving a child up for adoption is a very selfless thing to do. It would definitely be a very difficult decision, but it is giving the family and the child a beautiful gift. I  think you are very brave.

Answer 9

I feel sorry for the woman that can't have children because my daughter is one of them . The day we found out I'll never forget she was 15 and I cryed. She wasn't there to find out if she could we were there to find out why she wasn't getting taller and all her other medical troubles, she has tunner suydrome. Get back to your question. She has always told me after that day she wants to adopt from the foster system a child that already has parents but can't for some reason take care of the child a child that will know where they came from and their family history.

   What makes everyone mad is the secrets that suround adoption the lies. And why does everyone hyave to have a new born. The couple who took my grandson maked on the adoption sheet that they didn't want a balck child and other race than white and that looked like them. In there haste to get a child they over looked the fact that the father of the child wanted his son and that the sister of this child would have wanted to be in the childs like. What they wanted was a child that they could act like there own. What they got was a long court fight and the father retaining his rights to see his son and for his son not to be adopted. The bible talks about adoption and it says Help the fatherless not go take a child and lie and steal to get one. So as you see my family is living with being on both sides

Answer 10

You said and I Quote

"i wanted a better life for her than it was possible for me to provide."

Unquote

How do you possibly know that ? how can you say that being without her mother is a better life for her ?

It is a Better life for YOU.

How old i s your daughter now ? I've read all your other Q's & A's and honestly keeping on going through all this is not healthy for you.

The choice was made and sadly there is no going back. But this is what open adoption does to you it head stuffs you. Because if you weren't seeing her then you wouldn't be 2cnd guessing yourself as much as you are now.

And as far as your family go UGH how dare they say you are selfish when they wouldnt let you move back with them

Id be cutting THEM OFF they are the selfish ones

I'm sorry you are in this position in your life...You've made your decision now is the time to move forward. Being involved in her life is not the right thing to do. Keep in contact with the aparents let them know where you are at all times so that your daughter can contact you when she is older.

But for now its just hurting you and messing with your head.

Adoption is not the be all and end all that people think it is, and open adoption is just one big head stuff

Answer 11

Personally, I don't spend much time condemning people for the choices they make. My soap box that I continually preach is that all parties should be accurately educated about the trauma of adoption.  It is rarely the "better" life the angecies proport it to be.  Only in cases where the child's life is encangederd,does the result justify the the trauma involved in adoption.

Answer 12

Most people condemn illegal adoptions or coercive adoptions.  Most people will also debate what is legal and what is coersion, exactly...

Only the natural parents can determine what is right for the baby unless the natural parents are phsychologically ill or waaaaaay too young.

As an adoptive parent myself, I would not want to adopt a baby in which the natural parents waqnt to parent themselves.  But, if the natural parents relinquish their rights to their child for the purpose of adoption, I am all for it and am glad I adopted my son.

Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of.  Everyone deserves to be pursue happiness for themselves and for their children.

Answer 13

I don't think a woman considering adoption should choose to place because it makes another family happy.  That's a side benefit, but the primary reason for choosing to place is that it is the best thing for the child.  

Conversely, I don't think it's wrong for infertile people to adopt because they want to be parents as one of the motivating factors.  I mean, people who don't want to be parents shouldn't adopt!  I don't think that's "entitlement" or "making it about the adoptive parents", that's a base reason to consider adoption.  

This doesn't have to be a black and white question, however.  Adoption is no guarantee of happiness.  Neither is having a biological child.  There are uncertainties in everything, but the bottom line is that you do what you feel is best at that time.

Good luck to you.

Answer 14

My only concern is for the child.  Is it your child's dream come true to be raised by a stranger?  Is it worth your baby's loss of family, heritage, sense of self, etc. to fill a gaping wound in this stranger?

I am not condemning you.  My only concern is for the child's well being.  Not the natural mother (although I do have concerns for most natural mothers, that they make their own decisions, are not coerced or even forced into giving up their children just because someone else can't produce them), and certainly not for the adoptive parents, for whom any baby will do (but their infertility (or whatever reason they have chosen to adopt) won't ever go away).

I'm adopting from foster care because in this case, adoption IS in the child's best interests, and the mother/family of our chil(ren) WILL NOT have been coerced into giving up their children.  They've been given the chance to fight for the preservation of their family, and their children became eligible for adoption for a VERY good reason, and a reason that is ONLY in the best interests of the child.  The state isn't interested in fulfilling my desire for a baby.  Their only interest is in protecting this child from harm.

Answer 15

Yes, I think it very sad for the adoptive mother if she can not have a child. I'm going to have to agree with Phil. Adoption is not a right. No one is entitled to someone's else's child and this is where my problem with adoption starts. IF she is given the chance, she should feel grateful and make sure all promises she made will be kept and that nothing unethical has taken place. As a party in this, it's her responsibility also.

My other problem is just what you are asking. Adoption is supposed to be about the child, not about the hopes and dreams of the PAPs/APs. Somehow, everyone has lost sight of that and it disgusts me.

On the other hand, in cases where a family takes in a child with NO family and NO other options, I commend them. They are starting their family AND have the child's best interests at heart.

As for you, I don't want to make a judgment. I don't know your reasons for choosing adoption or whether or not you were informed of all your options, the ramifications of your choices, etc. Without knowing that, there is no way I could comment on that.

ETA: Sugar, did you just compare adoption to picking up a shelter dog? OMG, this is exactly what I'm talking about!

Answer 16

Who cares about her. I mean poor thing i hope she is coping with whatever. But my opinion, I think if you are going to have a child  then you need to take care of it. I don't believe in this bulls*ht it was for a better life. A mother can give her child a better life too.... I just dont think women should give up their children. Deal with it and  take care of your child.

Answer 17

The family that I placed my son with had done everything right: both had gone to college, had successful careers, were happily married, house, cars, the whole nine yards.  They had been trying to get pregnant using every means possible, but it just wasn't working.

I had been interviewing differant couples and when I told this woman that I had picked her, she just sat in shock for a while because she was so happy.  

That was 12 years ago and their son is now 11.  They are such good parents and he is so happy.  They are very involved with him and are grateful that they were given the opportunity to be parents.

I think adoptive parents are oftentimes the best parents out there, because they know how lucky they were to just get a child.  Sort of like a dog that you get from the Humane Society: they know how lucky they are to have a family.