Other than loss, what else bothered you about growing up adopted?

Question

For me the pretending and phoniness were painful.

I think what bothered me most was what I'd call the ‘purgatory of ignorance’.

Not knowing who I was, where I came from, where my people were, why I was adopted.

Maybe that bothered me so much because I am an intensely curious person, but in retrospect, not knowing the WHY of the matter was nothing short of mental torture.

You?

Answer 1

Struggle for identity.

Answer 2

Let's see...

I think the 'why' question was pretty prevalent for me throughout.  In fact, it's the first thing I can remember wondering about my adoption -- or, rather, about my relinquishment.  I was well-acquainted with the answer to 'why' I was adopted -- as in, why my parents adopted me.  :-)

I didn't feel tortured by it, though.  I credit my adopted parents for that as they taught me to love and respect my birth mother and I just always felt she had a good reason (or reasons), I just wanted to know what it was.

Other things that bothered me:

Being a sub-citizen in the eyes (and treatment) of the law.  Being denied the most basic information about my own natural, genetic identity.  And, that usually came with a *big* helping of "You ungrateful brat!  These people who chose you, sacrificed for you, gave you everything, etc. are your REAL parents." and such.  Incidentally, I agree.  They are my real parents -- two of the four REAL parents I have.

Not having medical history.  With that comes just basic *physical* history.  Why are my hips so...ahem, abundant?  Where did this really bizarre shade of blue in my eyes come from?  What the [bleep] is up with my hair? and so on.  This became more troublesome as I started to develop problematic medical issues.  Many of which are genetic and could have been mitigated early on if I'd known about them.

Other peoples' (outsiders') general ignorance about adoption.  Boy, age 8: "Why didn't your parents want you?"  Me, age 7: "I don't know.  Maybe they did."  Boy: "NO! They wouldn't have gave you away, then." (his words, bad grammar included.)  Me, age 7: "You're stupid!"  Another 'biggie' for me is the fact that there are still millions (that might be a slight exaggeration - probably not) of people who think that adopted persons are given free, open, unfettered, complete access to all their history, documents, etc. when they turn 18 (or 21...or whatever).  That is SO not the case...although I suppose I'm "preaching to the choir" on that point, eh?

The fact that so many think about adoption as being about 'babies' or about 'completing' the adoptive parents' family.  Few think about the fact that when you adopt a baby, you adopt a PERSON -- for life.  A person who will one day think, question, ponder, research, and...VOTE!  :-)  It's not (well, usually not) the adoptive parents I'm speaking about here.  It's the people who think adopting is "so cute".  The people with a half-inch-deep concept of the whole thing.  Not that everyone NEEDS to understand it deeply.  But, if they're gonna comment -- and especially if they're gonna be involved in it -- it wouldn't hurt to learn more.

Btw, in my opinion, the overall (in very general terms) awareness of the 'whole picture' of adoption is improving somewhat.  Maybe that's just me but the comments I've encountered have been a little more informed and generally more respectful in the last few years as compared to earlier than that.  I hope it's not just me.

Um...yeah...there are lots, but those are the main ones I can think of.  Cool Question!  Thanks for asking.

Answer 3

Holy ****.  I was going to ask something similar.

I was never adopted, but I was in foster care, so...

What bothers me:

I feel so different.  I feel I don't belong.  No-one wanted me, why was I so bad that no-one wanted me?

Today, someone asked me a question about my parents...I stood there for about 2 minutes and to THIS day, I don't know how to respond.  

This is what came out "I, I, I, I ,um, I, I, um, well, its like um, I, I, I ......was raised in foster care."

And their response: "Oh, wow. Interesting"

That's what sucks.

Or I have to make something up and that sucks too.

Answer 4

just not knowing who i was,and why i was here.

Answer 5

I spent part of my childhood wondering that if my mother loved me SO MUCH, why didn't she just keep me?!

Of course I kept silent about that protest because I knew what my mom would say.

Although I did write more about it at http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/



There's an entire entry detailing how I felt, first entry on the blog.

Answer 6

I'm not adopted

Answer 7

For me it was because my adoptive parents were not my biological parents.  I hated being adopted because that made me different than other kids.  I loved my adoptive parents so much and they loved me so much.  I didn't want to be adopted but I wanted them to be my parents.  Probably doesn't make sense but that was my thinking when I was a child.

Answer 8

people making fun of me because i'm adopted.

Answer 9

I think for me it was abandonment issues.  My sister and I lived with our birth mother until we were 6 & 7 years old, so we knew her and were very aware that she was gone.  We lived in foster care for 2 years before we were adopted, and the entire time we were asking when our mother would come back for us.  Even after we were adopted, I still struggled with fear of being abandoned: checking outside the dressing room door to make sure my adoptive mother was still there; being very upset when someone was late picking us up from school in the afternoon etc.  My adoptive parents were WONDERFUL and did absolutely everything they could to offer us security, but this was still a fear I had.  

Fear of abandonment aside, I am very glad that I was adopted because, in retrospect, my birth mother was not a very fit mother at all and my life would not have turned out well if she had raised us.  My adoptive parents were so loving, kind, loyal and moral.  They loved us unconditionally, took us to church, encouraged us in school and rewarded us for our successes, big or small.  I would never have experienced any of these good things being raised in my birth home.

Answer 10

I have a friend whose brother is adopted...he hasn't spoken to him in 11 years. When he found out he was adopted, he slapped his adoptive mother, flipped off his adoptive father, hopped in his car and drove off. Hasn't talked to them since.

My friend ran into him by chance in a gas station not too long ago, and when he asked why he left, he said "I don't enjoy being lied to."

Answer 11

I never felt that I was really a part of a family and that I was missing a special part of my life.I also absolutely hated the fact that everyone else seemed to know their medical history and I knew nothing of mine.It really became apparent when I had children of my own and could give them only their father's family medical history because I was completely ignorant,and still am,regarding my own.

Answer 12

Sunny, I am 54 years old and was adopted as an infant.  It still bothers me even to this day.  My adoptive mother was very over-bearing and controlling.  I guess she was insecure because I was an adopted child and therefore felt threatened if I got close to or loved anyone else but her.  It bothered me that I never knew if I had any biological brothers or sisters out there.  I hated being an only adopted child.  Also, when I got married, my first son had a lot of allergies to milk and formulas.  I had no medical background information on myself or my biological parents for the doctors to fall back on.  I always have wondered what they looked like.  Who did I get my blonde hair and my big nose from?!!   But, I'm at least glad that whomever my real parents were, they made the choice to not abort me but choice to give me life!!  So if nothing else, we at least have that to be thankful for even if we don't know (and may never know) the rest of the answers!

I sympathize with you and know exactly where you are coming from.

Answer 13

I hated the fact that I am 6'1 (as a girl no less) and my mom is 5'4 and my dad is 5'7....though when I met my n-mom she's only 5'2, so I wouldn't have had a tall mom, but my n-dad is 6'5...so just having that information would have been helpful because I felt like a FREAK. I've been 6'1 since I was in 7th grade....

Heritage is something that I also was bothered by. I hated doing family trees and family researching because it felt like such a LIE! I was told that I was Norwegian, which I clung to like a baby blanket, but not knowing anything else about my heritage was so frustrating.

I just didn't like being different, and adoption definitely made me feel different growing up. It's just a lot of little things that non-adopted people take for granted.

And I guess since I'm still growing...not having equal access to medical information and my OBC. It also bothers me when people don't want to hear that it's hard being adopted.

Answer 14

For me, it was the lack of any mirror of my personality.  I'm so different from my adoptive family.  

There is no one in my adoptive family (even the extended family) who shares my basic personality traits.  It often left me feeling like a stranger in a strange land.  

My adoptive parents were very good about letting me be different and be who I was.  But the differences often struck me.

Answer 15

I can't say that I felt "loss" exactly.  What bugged me the most was that I had been told from day 1 that I was adopted, but my mom (a-mom) kept trying to forget it.  They wouldn't really talk with me about it after a certain age.  But throughout your life, certain milestones keep coming up, that remind you that you really don't know whose genes you share.  Going to the doctor and having to give a family medical history, beginning menses (and realizing that you could now be a mom yourself), graduating from high school, getting married, getting pregnant, etc., etc., etc.  Death of a parent -- wow! that was hard!  it's not bad enough to lose your mom, but to realize that your birthmom might also not be there to be found anymore.....

I never really looked like anybody in the family, so I was ecstatic to find out that I look not so much like my birthmom (although I do) but actually more like my uncle, her brother!  LOL  And yep, I've got the family nose -- both my parents had "Roman" noses, and I don't.

And to finally FINALLY! find out the whys and wherefores!

Answer 16

For me it was the 'abandonment' issues. Where my parents raising me wasn't a bad life compared to most, there were a lot of internal issues I kept to myself.  

I can be rather obnoxious and loud as I'm an extrovert and to not be able to express myself fully because my amom was so 'sensitive' & 'emotional' (even to this day) annoys the shiznits outta me. How can you get close or real with somebody if you can't even be true to yourself because you have to walk on eggshells around them...I would rather not even be around them?  So I think I may talk to her once a month & few times via email...while my friends call up their mom & vice versa almost daily.  In all honesty I would love to have that but ya can't fake the funk.  So I feel like I've lost out on a 'mother'...don't get me wrong I care for her & she is a good person but we definitely lack chemistry & feel like it should be more natural & not so 'hard' to be 'mommy & daughter' like how I feel my own daughter.

Girl, I feel ya - it sucks not knowing.  For you it's probably worse as it can seem like 'torture'...for me some days I think about it more than others.  Most of my issues are internal as they are not really physical until we have a family reunion where I stick out like a sore thumb.

Answer 17

For me, the facts were that my adoptive parents had not really grieved the fact that they could not have their own biological children.  So, I always felt like I was not quite good enough.  They would never admit it, but they were very critical and condemning of me all of my childhood.  I could never quite get their approval, and now I know it was because I was not their first choice.  I was the "chosen baby," but that hid the fact that they would have chosen a genetic child over me if they had that choice, and they were still sad and in denial of that issue.

Answer 18

First off, I am glad I was adopted, so I hope no one takes this as  a reason not to adopt, more of why adoption should be changed.

1 - the abandonment issue, but I worked through that and now there is no issue lol.

2 - The lack of genetic information.  Mostly health info was the main thing.... many doctors assumed my mental health problems that I had as a teen were caused by my adoption, until my adoptive parents showed them that there was depression in my genes, and then the opinions suddenly changed lol.  Plus things like eye color, hair color, height, all the things I could pass on to my children, diseases... I want to know that stuff!!!

3 - People and their opinions about adoption.  I have gotten so many comments about how I was an "unwanted" or "abandoned" child.  I can't imagine being MORE wanted!!! My mom (adoptive) loves me more than life itself lol!  And yes, my biological mother didn't want to raise me, but she cared enough about me that she went through proper adoption procedure, provided all the information the social service agency asked for, and cared for herself during pregnancy (maybe not as well as my adopt-mom would have, but still for someone who didn't plan on getting pregnant, she did a great job).