Our 15-yo daughter has a strong resentment towards us, can this go to adulthood?

Question

2 years ago she messed up, went through a bad phase, joined bad crowds. She was disrespectful, lied and was mean to her younger sister. She gave us a really hard time. We ended up being tough and she got a severe punishment, though she apologized, admitted she was wrong and promised to change. But we stuck to our guns, she had indeed a hard time. She begged for our trust, but we said she had messed up several times and had to suffer the consequences. She got devastated, humiliated, I know we were very firm and even harsh. Her punishment lasted for 3 months and it took her some months more to regain our trust. Actually she changed, never messed up again, became that kind of girl that makes her parents proud. But she never got over that punishment, the loss of our trust for those months and our hard words. Today, 2 years later, she's a sad girl, avoids contact with us, avoids talking and we know she doesn't`t see as loving parents, doesn`t believe we love her unconditionally. It's kinda hard to talk with her, when we try she gets nervous, we feel we bring bad memories to her. We`ve tried to fix this but so far it`s been impossible.

We have nothing to complain, she`s a great girl, an honor student, takes part in volunteering activities, every body likes her. But our relationship seems destroyed and sinceit's beemn like that for 2 years we'rereally worried and don't know what to do. We re considering family therapy, but she asked us to forget about this idea, said it would be extremely painful and she doesnt deserve this.

Will this change naturally or can this go to her adulthood if this isn't fixed now?

Answer 1

You may have been to hard on her, The word humiliated was used, why would you want to do that to someone? My mom was really hard on me and now that I'm 30 yrs. old I still have very little to do with her I felt like she held me back from having fun when I was young she only said NO to me no matter what or where I wanted to go. I have never got over it. I look back at those yrs. as a bad 5-7 yrs. Of my whole life so far. Try to let her do some of the stuff other people her age are doing. So she can trust you.

Answer 2

DON"T WORRY! :)

its a phase that many teenagers go through.

i wouldn't consider therapy because if i was in that situation it would make it more awkward telling it to a stranger. I would just tell her how proud you are to be her parents. and just make her feel good about herself. It might take a while to get back in the normal.

but just start of with some baby steps and before you know it your problem will be solved!

You will know whats best for her!

: ) GOOD LUCK!

Answer 3

ohhh the teenage years, that was my hardest part growing up! i think you daughter is just going through her teenage years were everything is confusing....you feel like you old enough to do certain stuff but your not, your just stuck in the middle. it sounds like to me that she wants to do the things that her friends are doing but afraid she will get in trouble and she just feels left out. thats what i did anyway! my mom wouldnt let me do anything and my friends didnt have much to do with me cause i couldnt go places with them. but i can tell you that my mom did ease up a little and things got better but she still didnt let me do a lot of stuff i wanted to do but im glad that she didnt, now that i look back at it! all the people i was hanging out with has got babies and dropped out of school.  so if i was you i would give her some freedom but not as much as she wants! good luck  

Answer 4

I'm almost 30 and only now starting to have a relationship with my parents.  And the only reason I'm allowing them in my life at all is because my children are their grandchildren.

I strongly suggest you find a way to make amends now.

Answer 5

whoa... this sounds so similar to my own story that it's actually kind of scary.  hopefully i can offer you a little insight from your daughter's perspective and help you decide what you need to do:

about 4 years ago i did the same, i was going through an "experimenting" phase where i was hanging out with the wrong crowd and was doing things i shouldn't have been doing.  school became a low priority to me and i was becoming more and more distant and disrespectful to my parents, and eventually a series of events happened that lead to severe punishment that lasted for about 3 months.  it was a devastating moment for me... i knew that i certainly got what i deserved but it hurt so badly to be punished by the people who love me.

after the incident i straightened out and did very well in school and realized what i wanted for myself and my future.  even with my successes, however, my relationship with my parents wasn't the same.  it became very hard for me to be close with them... there was always so much tension whenever i was around them despite the fact that they always told me how proud of me they were.  i knew how much they loved me but it almost seemed like it was hard to accept their love.   half of this was because even though i knew what i did was wrong, i felt kind of "betrayed" by them... it seemed so unfair to me because most of my friends had never experienced any punishment of that kind anywhere near what i recieved.  i know that in the grand scheme of things that it's actually better to have parents like my own that care so much and are so involved, but at the same time it was hard to accept.  i felt like that was my rebellious phase.  everyone goes through that but it seemed like i was the only one who got punished for it.  after about a year i realized that holding a grudge wasn’t going to change anything and i was able to get over it, and in time i think your daughter will too.

what can't be changed so easily for her and may affect her in adulthood is how she thinks about herself now.  the other half of why i was so distant was because i felt so shameful for what i did in the past that it seemed like i had damaged the relationship to a point that it was unfixable -- i blamed it on myself.  i was so hard on myself that everything from then on seemed like it was my fault, and over time this seriously affected my self confidence and it was very hard for me to like myself.  i felt like in order to make it up to my family i needed to be perfect... since that is obviously impossible to strive for it seemed like everyday was a failure. all of the depressing negativity i was constantly putting myself through made me feel like i was unworthy of my parents’ love, which lead to me not wanting to be around them or feeling nervous whenever we had to talk about something.

i do not know your daughter or your whole situation but this sounds like it might be something she might be going through and it really does need to be addressed sooner than later.  the fact that she acknowledges that the experience was "extremely painful" seems like she has something brewing inside that needs to be dealt with or she might internalize it and end up hurting herself emotionally.  she needs your support, she needs to know that you don’t think of her as a bad daughter and that everything that happened in the past is simply that – the past.  having a discussion like this on your own can be incredibly uncomfortable for her and i think that finding a therapist is the best option.  i understand her reasons for not wanting to go but i think that deep down inside she knows something is wrong and she needs (and wants) to change it.  it can be ugly to re-live all of her emotions from that time but things might have to get worse before they get better, and doing this in therapy with the aid of a trusted professional is the safest way to do this.  if she still doesn’t want to go, try to encourage her to see a therapist on her own first.  after a few sessions she may open up to the idea of family therapy.  or even try seeing one on your own... you’ll learn techniques to help communication with your family and discover more about yourself in the process.

there could be some serious consequences if things don’t change.  because i was dealing with this away from home (i was living at my university) it was really easy for the self-deprecating to continue and i eventually became depressed and developed an eating disorder.  i know this is an extreme case and i don't mean to scare you, but things like this can happen.  use this opportunity now to try to reconnect with her because once she moves away it will be hard for her to become a successful adult if she feels inadequate about herself.  

after i started therapy it was only a matter of months until i gained my confidence back, resolved my eating issues and my relationship with my parents has improved drastically since then... i just wish it happened sooner.  (more below)

Answer 6

I went through the same thing with my parents

I thought counseling would be the worst thing ever

when really it gave me a safe place to tell my parents what I thought

and them having to listen

and react in a calm manner made it so much easier

At first I didn't want to say anything during session because I thought it would go home and then my parents would just yell when we got home

but that wasn't the case and because of that I wanted to open up more after a few sessions.

I did couseling with my parents for a couple months and things between us are much better

best of luck to your and your family<3

Answer 7

i read your long and very sad story,i come from a family of 10 kids,we all turn out ok,because we were obedient to our parents,our father was very strict ,and we are thankful for him being strict.

         do you believe in the goodness and mercy of god,then ask god for his help,

                 good luck and god bless.

            

                  

Answer 8

talk about holding a grudge! you dont give a lot of details. you just say she was grounded for 3 months. wat does that mean? no tv, music, phone, etc? also when she said she doesn't want therapy she means she doesn't want to have to live through those memories again, cuz id be painful.