Our 15 yo daughter has resented us for 2 years, can this be fixed?

Question

2 years ago she messed up, went through a bad phase, joined bad crowds. She was disrespectful, lied and was mean to her younger sister. She gave us a really hard time. We ended up being tough and she got a severe punishment, though she apologized, admitted she was wrong and promised to change. But we stuck to our guns, she had indeed a hard time. She begged for our trust, but we said she had messed up several times and had to suffer the consequences. She got devastated, humiliated, I know we were very firm and even harsh. Her punishment lasted for 3 months and it took her some months more to regain our trust. Actually she changed, never messed up again, became that kind of girl that makes her parents proud. But she never got over that punishment, the loss of our trust for those months and our hard words. Today, 2 years later, she's a sad girl, avoids contact with us, avoids talking and we know she doesn't`t see as loving parents, doesn`t believe we love her unconditionally. It's kinda hard to talk with her, when we try she gets nervous, we feel we bring bad memories to her. We`ve tried to fix this but so far it`s been impossible.

We have nothing to complain, she`s a great girl, an honor student, takes part in volunteering activities, every body likes her. But our relationship seems destroyed and sinceit's beemn like that for 2 years we'rereally worried and don't know what to do. We re considering family therapy, but she asked us to forget about this idea, said it would be extremely painful and she doesnt deserve this.

Will this change naturally or can this go to her adulthood if this isn't fixed now?

Answer 1

As much as she hates the idea of counseling, she needs help. Whatever happened needs to be resolved before it gets worse, because it will last. I wouldn't do family counseling. She needs therapy herself. When she feels ready or wants to involve you in therapy, then let her on her time. But if she's getting depressed, she needs help before it spirals into something more serious. She needs to know that you love her, that she has nothing to be ashamed or embarrased about, that you're worried for her well being and you want to be there for her. Being a parent is difficult when it comes to a teenage child, because they feel you don't understand and haven't been in their shoes. She just needs to know that she has been forgiven, the past is the past, and she has so much to look forward to. She just needs a loving, helping hand.

Answer 2

really REAlly try talking to her, ask her what is wrong, if she wants to do something with you. watch a DVD at home or soemthing. ask her postive questions in a cheerful way,

she needs time even though 2 yrs are alot

Answer 3

What kind of punishment was this? I don't think this can be fixed. I really don't, not until she comes to her own conclusion on her relationship with y'all. Honestly, I think you really messed up...when you punished her so severely. She probably doesn't trust you guys because she doesn't know whether or not you'll return to the kind of parents you were when she messed up. She doesn't want to take the risk of her making a mistake and you returning to how you were during her "punishment". The problem is that you guys never gained back HER trust in you. You were so set into your punishment for her that you didn't think about the consequences it would have on her, consequences that could very well stay with her for the rest of her life. You have to regain trust, you have to somehow make that up to her. I really don't know that you can. She probably lost all the confidence she had in herself and you...can you imagine the people who claim to love you devastating and humiliating you?

I don't think this can be fixed until she can talk freely about her emotions with you. You have to revisit that time and realize that you probably made some mistakes with her punishment, realize that you really really really hurt her. Ask her what makes her so distressed around y'all, tell her to please be honest..and you really need to listen, and not be angry by the things she tells you.  

Answer 4

I think family therapy is a great idea even if you can't get her to go right now. It seems to me that something may have happened during that 3 month period that is the reason for her "bad memories". Have you asked her if something happened while she was away? What you did was right. You got your daughter on the right path and as parents that is your job, whatever it takes sometimes.  She will realize that you did it for her own good. BUT, I believe she is keeping something hidden inside and not telling you about it. You and your husband need to go to family therapy if anything to learn how to talk to your daughter. She needs you two now more than ever. Praise her, tell her everything you said here. Tell her how proud you are of her. You really need to find out what happened. If nothing did happen then she might just be super ashamed of what she did and can't let it go. IDK. Communication is the only thing I can think of right now. She needs to know that family therapy is not a punishment. Tell her you want her to be happy and that you all need help to be able to find her happiness.

Answer 5

Were you thinking about her feelings 2 years ago when she started acting up?  It sounds like she's living in an extremely strict household and started to rebel as soon as she was old enough to understand how stifling her environment is.  Then you squashed her under your thumb in a successful campaign to force her into your preconceived notions about what kind of person she should be, and you wonder why she thinks you don't love her.  I suggest you loosen the thumbscrews a little and take it from there.

One of my favorite quotes is from Bertrand Russell: "The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good."

Answer 6

I believe that this issue will not resolve on its own.  There seems to be some deep resentment about the punishment or something else that concerns her relationship with you, the parents that she is not willing to discuss.  I see no reason why it would just magically go away.  She doesn't seem very motivated to address it.

I disagree with cicisbo, because this is definitely a family issue that individual counseling will not resolve, particularly if the client is resistant.  Right now, you are more motivated than she is to make a positive change.  The energy of your motivation needs to be included in the session.  There's a reason she doesn't want to do family therapy, and it's probably because she doesn't want to face up to something herself.  In individual therapy, she would be able to hide from this issue, whatever it is.  Family therapy will bring it to the surface so you all can deal with it with the guidance of an objective professional.

Answer 7

If your daughter doesn't want to go to therapy, she must want to stay feeling the way she is. She may well be hurt, but it sounds like she is punishing you for punishing her; and she's doing a great job of it. You can't turn back time, you've made it clear you have put her past behaviour out of your mind. It's her job to do the same, and if she won't, it's not your fault. She might grow out of it, but I know 50 year olds who still blame their life on their parents, so she might not. It's really her choice.

Answer 8

GIVE HER TIME...

When she gets older, she will realize what you did was right for her. When she has kids of her own, later on down the road, she will thank you for being so tough.

I know this, because I once was down this road with my parents..Im now 24 with kids of my own, and realized they were right.

Answer 9

She has learnt a lesson and it is her responsibility to bear, this experience has brought home a harsh reality of life and truth.I think she is still ashamed of the mistakes she made.She has to blame herself for this not you.I think in time she will get over this painful lesson.You must all try to put it behind you and  move on from this.She has now moved from a child phase to an adult phase now ,accept she is an adult  she needs to think of her life and what she wants to do.You are proud of her despite the problems ,remind her of that I am sure in time things will improve.Leave he past where it belongs ,in the past.

Answer 10

You are being to hasty.

Most kids didnt find their parents have an IQ until the kids turn 24.  Be patient.  She will look back on this with wisdom, and appreciate you.. eventually.

Why does she need to see you as unconditionally loving now?

In retrospect your tough love will shine through as being love.  Let her have her own children, and she will become you.  You know how we become our parents.  She will find your ways were... maybe awesome.  Eventually.

Some parents have relationships with their kids, some didnt.  In the absolute worst case, you saved her future, and provided her with a good life.  Even if she doesn't like you, you blessed the entire rest of her life.  That is much better than many (specific, real, deeply pained) people I know can say.  Its no salve to you to hear that I know a dozen parents who would trade their current destroyed children for the ability to have made all the difference in the world and have a reduced friendship.  I know tweakers - kids who burned out their brains ability to have a sense of well-being, robbed everyone they knew for tens of thousands of dollars ... and have nothing ... and are nothing.  that's their next 20 years of life till they die of the tweaker-stroke that happens between 35 and 45.  Your daughter has a realistic chance to live over 35.  Her brain is physically capable of having a sense of well-being.  She didn't rob everyone of everything she could to smoke it.  You are not doing as bad as you could be doing.

Wait a few more years... like 10 of them.