Our marriage is in trouble. What should I do?

Question

My husband and I have been married for two years and he was deployed for fifteen months of it to Iraq. Since he's got back five months ago everything is different. I expected things to change...how could they not? He's recently developed a temper (throwing stuff at the wall and I've been kicked once), he comes home and doesn't want anything to do with me or our thirteen month old daughter, he's glued to the computer for hours upon hours every day, and our s*x is seriously lacking. I know something's going on with him...whether its something that happened in Iraq and/or the stress from work recently...I'm just not sure what. Its gotten to the point I talked to his mom and had her talk to him because he won't talk to me...if I try, he's gets mad and storms off. I love him and I want our marriage to be okay again, but he's unwilling to admit there's a problem, let alone try to fix it. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life, and I don't want our daughter to have to deal with all of this too. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Yea, PRAY! Pray night and day and in your sleep, see if that magically fixes everything! Geesh..Sorry about your situation, though, I would say it probably has to do with whatever he saw/went through in Iraq and knows you cant relate. Which is not the right way of thinking. I am not one that always says this, but in this case, I must say Counseling!  

Answer 2

Most soldiers have whats called post traumatic stress and they don't know how to deal. My advice is to try talking to a counselor on base and see if you can get him to go. He is holding all those memories from iraq in and that is not healthy for him. You know him better then anybody really and talk to your mother-in-law if she is an army wife too she might have some advice too.  

Answer 3

tell him it's therapy time.  Being in a war can take a toll on a person.  My husband wasn't in a war but he was in a car accident 5 yrs ago and he was a mean person after that accident he did nothing but yell at our kids for every little thing and throw things at me all the time until I decide I had enough of him and his c**p.  I told him to get into therapy and help himself or me and the boys are leaving by the end of summer and he got into therapy and now he's the best hubby ever!!

Answer 4

PRAY

Answer 5

My husband has been on 2 tours now to Iraq. And we have been in the military several years.  So I've seen similar cases. What could be wrong is:

PTSD Post Tramatic Stress Disorder in which 1 in 8 soliders coming back from Iraq suffer.

Here are some of the signs of PTSD several of which I think he hits from what you have stated above.

Physical

Fatigue

Vomiting or Nausea

Chest Pain

Twitches

Thirst

Weakness

Insomnia or Nightmares

Breathing Difficulty

Muscle Tremors

Grinding of Teeth

Profuse Sweating

Pounding Heart

Diarrhea or Intestinal Upsets

Headaches

Behavioral

Withdrawl

Pacing & Restlessness

Emotional Outbursts

Anti-Social Acts

Suspicion and Paranoia

Inability to Rest

Loss of Interest in Hobbies

Increased Alcohol Consumption

Other Substance Abuse

Emotional

Anxiety or Panic

Guilt

Fear

Denial

Irritability

Depression

Intense Anger

Agitation

Apprehension

There are several resources being military that you have at  your disposal.

1.) Urge him to go to sick call and explain the symptoms he is having. Being a solider he will probably be resistant to this.

2.) Contact the base chaplin and see if he is willing to come talk w/ your husband.

3.) Contact his chain of command and explain the situation and see what he can do to help.

4.) Contact your FRG leader and see if she can point you to help.

5.) Research and contact support group for yourself in your area such as spouses or wifes of soliders with PTSD.

But the situation is serious and needs to be dealt with and will be greeted with denial and refusal for help at first. But needs to be done and soon. And never left him kick you. Leave and go some place safe until he can get his issues sorted out if needed.  

Answer 6

he is acting like a kid. ignore him for a while and he will come to you. don't chase after him. go out 2nite and come home late. that should do it.

Answer 7

It sounds like he has PTSD.  HE NEEDS HELP!!!

Otherwise, the next step will be that he starts drinking.

You need to call his CO, the hospital on base or SOMEONE to ask him to go in and talk to someone.

They say that 40 - 50% of the guys returning have PTSD. He's not the only one.  He needs help but he can recover!!!

You just have to be patient.

Answer 8

my friend just went through this and they are getting a divorce.  he came back extremely mean and just a different person.  Obviously it's post traumatic stress... he NEEDS to see a counselor specializing in vets.  Do you live on a post? Talk to someone there... I would hate for you to have to move out for a while, but I would try and give him some space for now.  This is a big, big thing for him to deal with.  my sympathy to you.

Answer 9

i would suggest counseling i am going through a divorce and it's h**l

my wife is using my kid for the money but i can say that he really needs to think that one day that house can be empty and when he sits down alone its the most awful feeling not to hear your wife or your daughter with laughter or  see your daughter running to the door when he comes in from work if he is stationed back and jumping in his arms and gives dad a hug its a lonely feeling and it sucks. If you walk into your local court house and see all the people getting divorced and parents fighting for their kids some for the wrong reasons all you see is a bunch of adults with lost souls its an ugly feeling its a sad place to be again not all cases are the same but people forgot why they got married in the first place and decided to have a child and let the child suffer as if was there fault because they will take it that way  

Answer 10

If he is developing an anger problem he will need counseling. That is not something you want to live with or raise your child around. You have to find out what he is doing on the internet. Is it innocent harmless stuff or is it that he is talking to another women or a p**n addiction?  He may just be trying to escape life and be depressed. He obviously needs counseling for what he has been through anyway if it is going to effect him so much.  

Answer 11

Go to counseling.  If he won't join you, then go yourself.  You might be able to get some clarity.

Answer 12

I was raised as a dependent in the Army for 21 yrs and then joined the Airforce for 4 more yrs so I spent 25 yrs of my life around the military and what your husband is going thru is not normal behavior.

You might suggest that he go to the post Mental Health and be evaluated so that they can get him on the right medication. Kicking you will surely wind him up in the brig.  His commander should not know about that or he could get in to trouble and even get an article 15 under the UCMJ. So talk to him and tell him go to sick call and get help.

Answer 13

He has to be willing to come around and face these issues,until then what can you do other than look after yourself and your daughter,I'm not telling you to end things but if he is unwilling to come to terms with whatever happened or is happening to him then what other options do you have,you cant spend your life trapped in a one sided marriage,tell him to seek counseling,because he is forcing you to question your relationship,if he refuses then what can you do but leave

Answer 14

My husband is also currently deployed and that is my biggest fear. I am sorry and i thank your family for the sacrifice they made. I would try and see if he is willing to do marriage counseling. I would seek any sort of professional help that you can find. And if he wont join you then I would see if he would see someone separately. I hope that you get everything figured out. good luck

Answer 15

you have to find a way to make him listen