Our son's wife broke ties with us yrs ago; we haven't seen our grandson since. Our son can't help; he's tried.?

Question

We always treated her perfectly but she was very jealous. She suffered postpartum depression and had been abused as a child. We made no demands, helped her when asked after the birth of our grandson, never complained, but she bailed. Our son does not want to divorce her. We miss our grandson so much, but he was just a baby when we last saw him. She had great difficulty bonding with him. Our son has given up hope of reconcilliation and rarely sees us. We are devestated and would do anything to see our little guy. He now has a baby brother we have not even met. We have tried everything to get through to her. She is a rage filled grudge bearer from childhood abuse she suffered at the hand of her grandmother. We never offended her in any way; she is super insecure, controlling and we are her scapegoats.

Answer 1

I can just imagine how painful this is for you.  I am also a grandmother and must be very very careful about everything I say and do around my daughter-in-law and my son-in-law.

It seems that you are being the scapegoats of your daughter-in-law.

However go for counselling both emotional and legal.

Grandparents do have visitation rights- but they may be hard to enforce in some places.

Life has a way of surprising us some times, but do look for outside help - there must be a way to get through this very bad situation.

Good luck

Answer 2

Listen, it's not a good idea to complain on this. I mean what do you expect us to say? Wow, what a *****. She should go die. No. Deal with it. You said yourself that she suffered from postpartum depression as a child. So, you need to support her with that. She's not personally attacking you, she needs help. Try to contact your son and get him to try to get her to get help. What do you want us to do? What's even the point of putting this on here. Don't blame everything on her. Your son obviously isn't trying that hard, since he's not even talking to you anymore. Since her grandmother abused her, maybe she thinks that you will abuse her kids. So in her own mind, SHE IS BEING A GOOD MOTHER. In a way she is. She's doing what she thinks is protecting her children and that's all that matters. Deal with it, or do something about it.

Answer 3

Being a grandmother myself I truly feel bad for you.  I know mine are the light of my life.  

I too had a difficult daughter-in-law.  My son did his best to try and make it work.  He found counselors 3 different times for them to see.  At the end of the third try myself and my husband were included.  She too was jealous of me and even told me so.  Therefore making things difficult for all of us and using my granddaughter as a pawn to hurt us.  I tyred so hard to be nice to her.  The nicer I was the worse she got.  At one point I asked my son why he let her treat me like she did.  He told me she would make his life so miserable it was easier to give in to her because he know no matter what I would always love him.  That sure gave me some insight.

I'm not sure what part worked the best or a combination of both.  After counseling we talked to our son and told him that we felt we did not have a daughter-in-law.  There would be no more b-day gifts or dinners, I didn't give her a mother's day gift either and very little for Christmans.  We told him our hearts would always be open to her the day she would treat us as family.

Your daughter-in-law needs help.  I would also suggest your son seek counseling even if she won't go.  He really needs to do that.    

Just to warn you, there are so very many mother-in-law haters out there.  Don't let them scare you off from asking questions.    They think they can do no wrong and refuse to take any blame in situations.

Good luck, my story has a very happy ending.  It took over 5 years and a son who would not give up on his wife and refused to cut ties with his own family.  He has more than enough love for us all.  

Answer 4

Get a lawyer and file for grandparent's rights and visitation.

Answer 5

i don't completely understand.

who did she bail on? your son or just you guys?

are they still living together and she won't allow you to see your grandchildren or are they separated and she has the children?

why doesn't your son have any say in whether you get to see your grandchildren?

Answer 6

Your son can't bring the children over?  He could say he was taking them to the park.  I typically don't suggest couples lying to each other but this time it seems like he might have to.

He really needs to get her into counseling.  But calling her names and continually repeating that she was abused as a child won't help your situation.