Our son got his girlfriend pregnant? My wife is heartbroken?

Question

My wife got a phone call last night from the mother of our 17 year olds girlfriend saying her daughter is pregnant. My wife is completely heartbroken. Shefeels like she is a failure as a mother. I completely flipped out and my wife just started crying. Our son has no plan for the future. We never saw this coming as he has straight A's, Class President, plays several sports, active in the church, etc.

My wife is already way overprotective. We also have 2 sons and a daughter.

My question is what is the next step to take? We are clueless. And my wife has hardly said anything since last night, constantly crying, and wont even look at our son.

How can i make her feel better about herself and our parenting and what should we do about our sons situation?

[he graduates high school early in december and already going to a good university with a full ride scholarship. should he take a different path now?]

Answer 1

well....you kinda just have to sit back and see what the girl does, you really have no choice as to what is going to happen. he may have to take a slightly different path...that baby will need to be provided for. you should make him get a job NOW and save up as much as he can, and maybe help him out with money if you can. being a full time student and father is going to be VERY VERY hard.

Answer 2

Maybe you should ask your son and his girlfriend what they want to do about it then maybe comprimise.

Whatever happens in the end you all have to agree on other wise you could potentially lose your son and your grandbaby!

goodluck, im sure it will be worth it at the end of the day

Answer 3

Having a child is not going to put the brakes on his future! He should marry the girl and then go to college, if she can't go with him then do all you can as grandparents to help her out until your son graduates and can come home to support his family. Creating new life should never be a cause for sorrow. Your grandchild could grow up to save the world someday.

God forbid, but if your son were to accidentally die you would cherish the child he left behind to fill the void in your hearts.

Answer 4

You and your wife are in a tuff spot, to put it lightly. Some of the things that you decide should be based on your families values, and spiritual believes. What is difficult is the age of your son. He isn't an adult yet, so you have more control then you will have when he becomes 18. Some teens mature very fast, so many 17 year olds are more mature then some 18 or older people. It sounds like you and your wife are good parents, loving and caring so it wouldn't surprise me if your son was mature for his.

I would suggest that you find a good time to talk one on one to your son. Don't be pushy or lose your cool, he will clam up and not talk. Remember he probably has a thousand things going thru his head. He is scared, embarrassed, nervous, worried and everything else. If you could break the ice in a conversation about his thoughts. Find out how exactly he feels about this girl. Does he want to spend a lifetime with her? Does he want a child, ask about his college plans, and future. BUT don't ask him all of this at once. Try and have a conversation with him and  see what he vuluntarly tells you. If you ask the asking, space them out. Think of it like this: One question - then conversation, question two - then conversation. The conversation doesnt have have to be about his answer to the question. Just try to talk to him so that he is comfortable, this is a good time to build your bond with your son. That will make it easier for him to come to you to talk and tell you what is going on.

Also find out what his girlfriend wants. Does she want the baby, do you or her family believe in abortion, this are very hard things to talk about, but it has to be done.

I would try and find out what your son wants to do, and his girlfriend. Then take it from there. Not sound cold hearted, but they created this problem. Hear both their thoughts of the problem and they want to handle it. Then you and your wife can have something to work with as far what to do. Also don't forget the girls parents. I am sure they will have they say.

If you go to church, you could get the priest or pastor involved.

I know your son made a mistake, I am sure he knows it also. But one very imporatant thing to keep in mind for both you and your wife is that your son is at a make or break a child - parent relationship. If you push your son away now, or override all of his ideas without  hearing what his ideas are, the chances of your son being very distant or wont even communicate with you as he gets older and older are more likely to occur.

Answer 5

I am so sorry that your wife is taking this moment so hard.  I can only hope through the tears she will find whatever answers she needs.  The next step is to decide what is best for the new blessing.  I am unsure if you son wants a child but maybe the best solution in this situation is adoption if neither one is willing or wants to commit to lifestyle that will help this child grow into a contributing member of society.  This unplanned pregnancy doesn't mean failure it means that perhaps your son though smart does make mistakes.  After all he is only a teenager growing into a man.  First you need to sit with him, the young lady, and the other mother and discuss all options.  I only hope that you do not bring abortion as an option since there are so many wonderful people who do not have the luxury of being able to bear children.  In case you don't know your options some are marriage, raising child with the grandparents, and adoption.  If your son decides he wants to be a father, college/university can be taken online or just locally in a community college.  I don't know if the school is far away but maybe he can postpone his enrollment for a semester and start in the Fall of 2009 instead.  It does not hinder his potential it just means that it may take a little longer to get to where he wants to be.  My prayers are with you.  Breathe. Life changes can appear to be a curse but in the end become the blessing that you needed.  I hope that this helps.

Answer 6

Well your son has made a mistake, he knows that!! He does not need to be shouted at, he is longer a baby he's a man but he needs your help and support. He should continue his education if he can. Then when he is finished he can get a better job to support his new family. Until then it will be very hard work for everybody  

Now you have to wait for the girl friend, what does she want to do? She also should not be pushed around by you or her parents.

Does she want to keep it?

Is it your sons? Well he should know what he has been doing and should know her well enough to know if there could be other possible fathers.

Abort it? OK a lot of people will get upset at this but it’s her body and her choice. Its the rest of her life that will be changed by this decision & she will have to live with it.

Adopt it? Again her life will be changed & she will have to live with her decision and a lot of people can’t go through with it

Answer 7

Did she say that he made her pregnant, or just that she's pregnant? Because if she just said she's pregnant, she may have been gang-raped or something. Also, what if she got gang-raped and her mother blamed your son? There are some things to think about.

Answer 8

you'll be suprised at how far your son will still go in life if you support him. at being a sucess in life and following his dreams, now more then ever so he can give his child (and your grandchild) a good life. He needs your support and he'll be ok.

Answer 9

everyone makes mistakes, just let your wife know shes not a bad mother or anything its not like this happened because she raised him wrong or anything things like this just happen. who knows maybe she will like being a grandmother or something, just let her know its not her fault

Answer 10

He needs to stay the course. God can use ANYONE!

He made a mistake. He needs to marry the girl and spport her and the baby. It will be tough but he can do it.

Answer 11

you need to talk to him both of you... he has made a mistake it will affect him & the GF more than you n your wife. you need to be there for your son n support him. She is not a bad parent look at all the accomplishments your son has made already just because of this one mistake should not be looked at as failure

Answer 12

It's a shocking experience at first, but as time passes the intial shock will wear off and excitement might even take place. This can happen to anyone regardless. You should find out if the girl plans on keeping it, putting up for adoption, or aborting the BABY. Then you should go from there. My advice is if she decides she wants to keep the baby then your son should be in the baby's life more than financially regardless on whether or not they marry. And he should continue to go to school so he can support the baby with what it needs as well as have a good future for him self. If she decides to put it up for adoption make sure it is also what your son and your family wants. If she decides on aborting the baby, make sure that she knows she is actually pregnant with a real BABY and that it is not only her that this will affect. Also if she decides to do the later make sure your son gets proper counseling.

Whatever the choice there is a baby and it is coming, and the baby can be a blessing in disguise.

Answer 13

The best thing is adoption or terminate the pregnancy. Do NOT let your son marry that girl, it will jst ruin his life in the long run. If adoption or terminating is not an option then ask your son if he wants to keep the baby and if he does ask the girlfriend and if she does then just help them out but please dont let them get married whatever you.  I know how your wife is feeling, and I know its hard for her but she has to think about her son and talk to him see how he is feeling in all this and maybe they can cope together.

Answer 14

uh,

i'd say go ahead & have the baby,

& you and the other parents can take care of the kid while the children go to college...

of course they'd pay for the baby,

& for college...

tell your wife to chill,

what'll her grandkid think of her??? ;]

Answer 15

i got pregnant at 18, even though i was a legal adult my parents were still also very upset i completly understand what your family is going through. my mom didnt talk to me until one month before my baby was born all my family was angry at me because i to was a straight A student and had a scholarship from playing varsity soccer all 4 yearsin high school. i was engaged at the time but babies were not in my plans i had so many things i wanted to do. but it was our happy accident, you and your wife must talk to your son about what he plans on doing and how he and his girlfriend plan on taking care of the child. of coarse give your wife some time to cool off she is just upset, shes thinking how could she let something happend she feels she did not do something right as a mother. but please reasure her she was a terrific mother i mean you should be proad of your son for getting good grades and being involved. she did not do anything wrong this was your son and his girlfriends fault fornot beingmore careful. i had to give my mother 8 months. and it was worth it because i wanted my child to have his grandma in his life.

your son has to take deal with the consequences of his actions.

best of luck.

Answer 16

Just accept the situation and your son.

Maybe adoption would be the best answer.

Answer 17

I suggest that you let your son go to the university and you and your wife pay the child support.  He will never have the opportunity again and it will enable him to have a decent income in order to support his new responsibilities.

<<We never saw this coming>>

Most people who say this rarely counseled their sons about s*x, protection or respect for other women.

Answer 18

Would you consider adopting the baby?  Or at least be the baby's legal guardians while your son is taking care of his future?

As far as making your wife feel better about herself...  You did a great job as parents; look at your son's performance in high school so far!  He has a full ride?! to a good university?!  That is awesome!  Why does it have to mean his life is doomed?

My own mother had me at 15...  and when she was 20 she had uterine cancer and had to have a full hysterectomy. So, while YES I was an unplanned child, I was a blessing in disguise.

God knows what He does...  Everything happens for a reason!  Now your wife has a stab at being an excellent grandma--at a younger age than she expected, but really, there is a reason for everything.

The one thing you want to do now is make sure your son stays on the college path, gets his education and has a good future, whether or not he raises this baby or they give it up for adoption.

Answer 19

well, i am not sure what advice to give you; but that was your sons choice to make, and it doesnt mean you were bad parents

Answer 20

Ah!...first of all let me tell you it has nothing to do with your parenting skills at all...In todays society the issues of s*x and the pressure to have it is ridiculous!...Your son seems to be extremely intelligent and of course knows right from wrong!...It doesnt matter what you have resided in him as a child this was a decision he made regardless....

My first thing is have you sat down and talked to him, and are definate this is his child!...Im not saying that his girlfriend is any type of cheater, etc. but she may not have been faithful to him this is only highschool we are talking about!..

Second, I do not personally feel he should allow any of this to effect his future he can continue to get his education as well as provide for a child. Look at the amount of adults that go back to school while supporting a family. It can be done!..If the University is in town, great! If not then frequent trips back home on weekends as well as holidays will allow time to be a father!...

It is just as much the females responsiblity as it was your sons to lay down and concieve a child!

Answer 21

i dont think its necessary to change career paths but then it all depends on how far hes into school and his chosen paths. as far as your parenting skills go i think from the sound of it you guys excelled. everyone makes mistakes and just thinks this one is going to bring so much joyeven if it gets a lil rough. your son and his gf are problaby really intelligent so im sure they can figure out a way for both of them to parent the child and still go where they would like to go in life. last case scenario, if they decide (and please let them decide no pressure or they will grow to resent you) put the baby up for adoption make sure to keep the lines of communication open for the baby and the birth parents. being put up for adoption is horrible on self-esteem sometimes. but if you and your wife are willing, help them with the baby, stand by them. wow this is long

Answer 22

It's not the best situation to bring a child into the world but what's done is done. You can try to teach your children to do things the easy way but some kids are hard-headed and have to learn life's lessons on their own. Your son is about to learn a big one. Your wife will come around. She just needs to get used to the situation. Once she sees her grand-baby she will fall in love with him/her.

I think your son should take a different path and go to school near his child. He should find work to support his child as best he can and continue with his schooling. Hopefully you and the girls parents will help them out as much as you can while they get their lives together. God Bless.

Answer 23

I got pregnant at 19 and I can tell you my parents were crushed. Granted, I had already graduated high school, but it was still hard for them to accept. Basically, what's done is done, she's going to have a baby, your son is going to be a father, and you guys are going to be grandparents. I can understand feeling disappointed, but it's not going to change what has happened and what is going to happen. Plus, I guarantee once your little grandson or grandaughter is here, he or she will melt your heart and your wife's heart. If your son and his girlfriend are still together & have a good relationship, they might want to consider marriage. Maybe not right away, but maybe in the near future. My boyfriend and I were together only a year when I got pregnant and we married when I was 7 months pregnant. We've been married a year, and I know that's not long, but we're still going strong and have a beautiful 9 month old daughter. I definitely think he should still go to college, b/c that'll be the best way he can support his child later on. But he should still play an active role in his child's life.

Answer 24

My brother got his ex pregnant young, turned out to not be his aby, but we were there for him the whole time, we had a paternity test, 0%, then we are just hopeing he has a better future, with the baby out of the way. He finally has his life back, but you should wait, and guid him through the steps of parenting hood, and help lead him to a wonderful future.

Answer 25

No, why should he?

Many people with children have gone to college, work and supported their children. And a full scholarship? that's great!

Now the money he saves on college can go to his child.

Sure, your wive is disappointed now, but give it a few weeks, she will eventually come around, be excited, and cherish this little blessing.

Answer 26

Active in church? Apparently not active enough!

Chances are they are way too young and should abort, but being the religious family you appear to be, would never go for that so my question is, why be depressed if your religion says the grace of God is in the children we bear? You should be rejoicing. Kind of hard when the shoe is on the foot huh? Get the abortion and ask for forgiveness, OR, rejoice in the birth.

Answer 27

I haven't been there but i have counseled many people in crisis.  If it were my son I would take him over to the girl's house and meet with her parents about options.  I would encourage her to have the baby.

If this were the case, then I would have my son work and 50% of his wages would go to the child.  I would also help with expenses out of my own pocket starting with the pregnancy.  I would have him go to the appointments and experience this.  He should be involved with the baby and have visitation regardless of if he stays with the girl.

This is a very adult situation to be in at 17, I would get him a therapist to help him emotionally.  I would have him go to college but locally even if it means losing his ride.  He should work part-time while in school.

I don't think rushing into marriage is the answer.  I don't think that it has anything to do with your parenting, I think a lot can be said for how you go about handling it now.  More than 50% of 17 year olds are having intercourse.  Of the ones who do get pregnant many have abortions.  I don't like this choice but my son would pay half of this expense too.  I would want to adopt if the girl wanted to give the baby up.

I would have a family meeting and discuss actions and consequences with all of the children and ask how they feel about it.  I would stress to my son that he will have a relationship with the mother and her family for the next 18 years and to be very cautious in doing or saying anything that he will regret and is unforgiveable no matter what happens.  

I would tell my son that I love him no matter what, that this is a road you didn't forsee him going down and that I am very disappointed in him but am still his mom and will be there regardless

Answer 28

You guys did nothing wrong.  You could be the best parents in the world but you cant watch your 17 year old every waking second...he fu^%&d up and thats the truth but he does need to take care of the baby.  He may want to transfer to a local school so he can be around baby.  I understand why your wife is upset but I'm sure she did nothing wrong....KIDS MAKE MISTAKES and unfortunetly this one will cost him for the rest of his life...he sounds like he looked like a trustworthy kid...how could you guys possibly of know that he was sexually active and not using protection.  I hope you guys accept the baby because its NOT the baby's fault..you sound like you will make great Grandparents.