Our son is adopted and we are planning on telling him. Any thoughts?

Question

Our son is 6 months old, and he will be meeting his birth mom throughout life. All of our friends know he is adopted, and we now refer to him as our chosen child. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

My two nieces are adopted... but we don't put labels on them.  I think calling your son your "chosen child" is a nice and loving name for him... but I still think it's considered a label and may make him feel alienated once he's old enough to realize what that means.  I have a son... he's my own, not adopted... and even then, I don't call him my "blood son" or something like that.  My nieces and my son are simply called "our children".  My nieces know they are adopted and have known all their lives... I think it's best to be honest.  But they also know that their "adopted parents" aren't just people who took them in, they are their Mom and Dad.  Period.  

This is just my own situation, of course, and I think you'll know what's right to do in your own situation!  I do think it's sweet that you call him your chosen child... I just have a personal issue with "labels" because I know they can unintentionally and subconsciously affect the people you're labeling.  Even when you mean it in the best possible way.  My only suggestion would be to keep telling your son how much you love him and make sure he is fully aware of the truth throughout his life.  He may have questions regarding adoption and his biological parents when he gets a little older, but until that time comes, just make sure he never questions who his Mommy and Daddy are.  :o)

I hope this helps a little.  I hope I at least offered a different perspective on the issue that you may not have considered before.  I wish you the best of luck.  I'm sure regardless of what you choose to do, it'll be the best choice for you and your family.  Take care!!

Answer 2

I think it would be great to tell him, but not until he's in his early teens or so, just so he knows that you love him as you would a biological child.

I am currently pregnant with my first child at 16, and I'm looking for options such as adoption. I would definitely want my child to know they're adopted, but everyone's different.

Maybe you should talk to his birthmother and ask her opinion?

Good luck!! :)

Answer 3

Sorry but the chosen thing is grating on me right now. Lets face some facts, you did not choose him. His first mother chose you to be his parents if anything.  Using the most honest language you can is very important, kids pick up so much more than we often think they can or will. They are also very accepting of their situations as long as they are loved and able to trust the adults around them.  

The most important thing is keeping the lines of communication open and learning as much as you can about what an adoptee "can" feel. If you are aware of the issues that could arise you will not only be more educated on how to handle them but you will also be better able to spot them before they become overwhelming for your child. Think of it as preventative maintenance for your child's emotional health.

Answer 4

I have to admit I shuddered when I saw this question. In my mind I was seeing a teenager that you were about to break the news too. I'm glad to see that isn't the case.

I agree with your decision to raise him aware of the fact he is adopted. He needs to know from the start, that's it's not a big secret to be ashamed of.

I disagree with your decision to label him a "chosen child" I disagree with labels on children period. They don't need some label defining them. No one does.

He is your son. Period. If you raise him right, he will know he has two families, two families that love him, cherish him, & adore him.

Answer 5

I was adopted at age 2 and always knew growing up, even though I don't remember it.  I will say that I was never one for all the "chosen" and "picked" stuff, because even as a child I knew that my aparents didn't get to walk into a group a children, get to know each one, then pick the one they wanted.  Picked because I was loved?  They didn't even KNOW me, so that wouldn't have made sense.  In reality, it wasn't necessary for me to feel like they picked me in order to know I was loved.  It's the day to day that let me know I was loved.  

It worked for me to just have adoption always known.  They never sat me down and had "a talk."  It was just part of my regular life to know it.  For example, someone might be talking about having a baby.  They'd tell me that I was adopted, so mom didn't "have me."  I didn't have to fully understand adoption and birth in order to know that I was adopted and that it meant that I wasn't born to my amom.  

Like everything else in life, I just grew to understand more and more what "adopted" meant as I got older.  I GREATLY like the fact that it was just something I always knew, though.  It's so much healthier.  

Whatever you do, don't wait.

Answer 6

I've only been a step-parent (and that was hard enough) and a genetic parent (and that was hard enough).

Reach out --- I wish I could have gotten such help with the step-parenting challenges---

How 'bout: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/ or

http://www.adoptiveparents.org/ for a start...Some things are common to people in your situation, and I'd merely suggest you explore all resources available.

And congrats. My best to you and your son.

Answer 7

I've answered this question a billion times.  I'm not sure I like the "chosen child." Most children are chosen and it leads to raise him and his mother didn't....though she did choose to give birth so maybe it is fine....why do you need a title? He is your child...don't make issues that aren't there yet.  I'd drop that...he's your son, call him your son.

I've said this a billion times.... don't EVER say "Your birth mom loved you very much, but she couldn't take care of you."  That leads children to think it was them...if they'd been another baby, a better baby, or girl instead of a boy.....she could have.

NEVER make it a secret.  I would start right away with his baby book.....they make special adoption ones now.  The day you picked him up, if you have a photo, but his birth mom in there, tell him whatever you know about her, be open and honest.  I think most of the resentment and anger you see on this board is because people were lied to, or felt lied to anyway, and people felt like they had no say in what happened (of course, I'm not adopted and I had no say in my parents either).

If your child grows up always knowing, and it is not a secret...secrets imply it is bad or shameful...you are much further ahead.

One more thing, I work with a lot of parents who let their children run all over them because they live in fear of the day that their children look at them and say "You're not my real mom..you're not my real dad."  Biological parents have children say "I WISH you weren't my real mom or dad."  So either way they get their zingers in.......

A lot of adoptees on this site who disagree with me about adoption will not like this but it is true, I've worked in foster care for 10 years...BIOLOGY doesn't automatically make you a mommy or a daddy, it may make you a parent, being a mom or dad is different.  The capacity to conceive and carry a child doesn't make you a good mom or dad (trust me, I've been in foster care for 10 years), neither does the inability to do so make you a bad one.  

Remember that NOT EVERY ISSUE is going to be about the adoption.  My cell phones rings ALL THE TIME about issues that are childhood issues....when it is 69 degrees and sunny, all children EVERYWHERE refuse to do their homework...it has nothing to do with adoption.

When someone accuses him of liking a girl in school and sings K-I-S-S-I-N-G about it, it isn't because he's adopted...... etc.

So, if you let your child run all over you and not establish rules and boundaries, when they look at you anyway along the line and say "You aren't my real mom and dad."  They'll be right!  Not because you didn't give birth to them, but because you didn't parent...you didn't act like a mom and dad.

By the way, you might want to check out other resources, local support groups, other adoptive parents in your area.  This board is not exactly the best place for the support of adoptive parents.  There are plenty of adopted children who grew up happy, healthy and pleased with their lives....many that weren't...just like biological children.

Answer 8

Don't call him your chosen child. That's creepy. Sorry if that sounds mean, but it puts a lot of pressure on the boy as he grows up and it's probably not even really true. I doubt that you looked through a glass window at dozens of infants and said, "We'll take that one." Maybe his first mother chose you or maybe you chose her, but you didn't choose the baby.

Anyway, now that you're probably mad at me, here's my suggestion for your question: talk about adoption in the open when he's around. Yes, he's only six months old but if he hears the words "adoption/adopted," "first mother," etc., all his life, they won't sound strange to him as he begins to understand what they mean. Don't ever allow his adoption to be a secret from him. As he gets older you can tell him things that are appropriate to his level of understanding like, "The day we brought you home was sunny and beautiful even though it was cold outside," or "We are so happy that you have joined our family."

My son was adopted at the age of 2-1/2 and we have always talked openly with him about his adoption. He knows he was in foster care and that he has a first mother. Every once in a while he will ask a question and I often bring up the subject of his adoption myself. I want him to know that he can talk to me about anything and my feelings won't be hurt. He's only 7 but he seems to understand as much as he can at his age and some of his questions seem very wise to me. You may experience the same things with your son. Just be as open as is humanly possible and love him.

Answer 9

I was adopted as an infant. I found my birthparents about 10 yrs ago (I'm 37 now). I have a nice relationship with my birthmother.

My adoptive mom told me about my adoption when I was 7. I don't remember much about it but she kept telling me that I was specially choosen by them. And as time went on and as I asked more questions about it all, she told me a few times that my birthparents loved me so much that they gave me life but since they couldn't take care of me, they found parents that could. After I got older and learned about the birds and the bees and abortion, I realized that my birthmom did love me so much that she choose to give me life. I am grateful for that.

My adoptive parents had 2 of their own 12 years before adopting me. My brothers never talked about me being adopted. Still don't. I have no idea how they felt about it. But I had never felt out of place in the family. I fit so well in it that if my mother had never told me that I was adopted, I never would have guessed.

I suggest that you tell your son the truth, as much as he can understand at his age. Answer his questions as he grows up. And tell him that he was choosen. Specially picked. Wanted and needed. That his birthmother still loves him, enough to give him life, but for certain reasons she needed you to raise him.

Good luck!  And God bless your family!

Answer 10

be cautious always on how it is worded. i dont know the situation so i cannot give u more solid advice, but i will say this: "truth in some form or another is best". i dont mean twisting the truth or telling a little white lie here and there. is there is something bad leave it out until you feel they are old enough to understand. but if the mother is planning on still seeing the child i say give it a fair chance too. things will be said when they need to be.

find a perfect balance. say what is necessary for the time, dont lie about anything and if later they do ask "why" simply say "its not something i feel i can tell you right now" or something like that. eventually if taken in gradual steps and nothing is ultimately hidden or covered completely things should work out well.

Answer 11

Did you have to have some big plan in explaining his grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc??? I applaud you for your integrity and commitment. Treat her like the rest of the family and call her by name. My son, Sam, has seen pictures of his sister (relinquished), since he was young. No secrets, no big deal. He'll pick a name for her as he grows. You are a role model for other AP's. THanks.

Just a thought, I don't like the term "birth mom", I refer to myself as first mom, or natural mom. You are his mom.

Best wishes.

"Lauren's" first / natural mom

Sam's mom

Answer 12

I was adopted at six months and can never remember not knowing.  My parents read me and my older (also adopted, seperately) brother a book about a couple called Mr and Mrs Fairweather who adopted two babies to make their family complete, and I grew up thinking that that was pretty much how every family evolved!  I remember being embarassed at school because our headteacher banged on and on at Christmas about how special adopted children were because Joseph adopted Jesus as his own... that was when I was about nine and I just cringed.  I'd talk about it occasionally, but not make a big deal out of it, or make it seem as though he's more 'special' than any other child - of course he is to you - but he just needs to know he's loved as much as all his friends are by their parents.  Always allow adoption to be an approachable subject, but then wait for him to have his questions when he's older, rather than constantly reminding him that he's different..

Answer 13

How about the truth? He is not chosen.  Dont say he is, please.

Answer 14

I think that by telling him he is adopted from the start is definitely the best way to go. Then he doesn't feel like he's been lied to his entire life.

      I am a birth mom, and the family I chose to place him with also decided to tell him from the very beginning. I also was fortunate enough to meet with him until he was 3. I know that when they explained the adoption to him that they said something to the effect of ~since you have two families that just means you're twice as loved!~  I think that by telling him in that way he felt positive about it, and it made him feel important, also knowing that I adopted him because I loved him and wanted the best for his life, so I chose his family, out of all the families in the world.

     I know personally, I just always want the adoptive parents and family to tell him that I love him and that I made the decision to adopt him out of love, and that I didn't just give him away because I didn't care or love him.

     As far as the birth mom visiting, just make sure you set ground rules and stick to them, that way you don't feel intruded upon, and she doesn't feel left out. You should always keep up to your agreements and she to hers and things should go smoothly! Good luck!

Answer 15

say it nicely

Answer 16

Just keep it part of regular conversation so when he grows up it is not a bit surprise later on.  Like when you have bio children you talk about their birth etc.  just talk about hwo your family was created as a normal every day function.  I am not so sure about chosen child, may make him feel special but may also make him feel weird, especially if you have other bio children.

Just normalize the process of telling him.  Never malign or speak for birth mom, and work out with her what she will be called.  

Good luck!

Answer 17

Choose your words carefully...

Answer 18

Congratulations! Good Luck

Answer 19

I agree with others on here...don't call him your "chosen child".  Your son is your son.  He is your child.  Period.

We adopted internationally but even so my advice would be to not schedule too many events at least the day before, the day of the meeting, and the day after meeting his birth mom.  As he gets older, see if he has any questions and tell him his story.  Do a lifebook for him and see if the birthmom wants to contribute to it.

Jen

Answer 20

Being the brother of 3 adopted brothers and one adopted sister (I am 15 years older), I would say to make sure you plan it on a week with not much else going on. There are tears and confusion and many other possibilities that will require nothing but time, patience, love and care. I would personally wait until the child is old enough to understand what adoption is. This age is of course different for every child which makes it tricky. I will say though, make sure they find out from you. I would hate to force the topic. But an explanation from you that is delivered too early is 100 times better than them finding out from someone else.

Also, don't be surprised if there is  lot of "did my parents not want me" type of feelings. Make sure that you have decided exactly what you are going to tell the child and the reasons why the adoption took place in terms that they can understand. And unless they are 18 or older, "financial reasons" will not cut it as an explanation for your child. Having the birth mother in the picture adds a dynamic i am not familiar with but i would think you should also include her in the plan so the child doesn't get conflicting stories from both parties. That will just add to the confusion. It also takes a bit of time for things to go back to normal (whatever that is!?!). but don't fret. Right now the child needs you to be strong and supportive.

Answer 21

Make sure he knows that this means that he was picked because he was LOVED.

Stress the love you have for him, and how he is just as good as a "natural born" child.

Find some way to include the birth mother in his life and yours.  

Allow her to express love for him, and him love for her.

I am worried about one thing:  You say the child is 6 months old.  I think maybe this sort of news and explanations should wait until his 6th chronological physical birthday.

The chosen child thing is a good thing to stress.

I wish you a lot of luck, and as another writer said:  Choose your words with great care.

Answer 22

Please, please, please don't call him your chosen child. I can't stress that enough.  I spent most of my life trying to live up to my "special" label, afraid of letting everyone down and in the end it did more harm than good.

I was adopted as an infant, as was my older brother. We both always knew that we were adopted.  My baby book was "An Adopted Child's Memory Book". My parents told me the story of the day they picked me up, how my mom bought me a new outfit and spent way more on it that she normally would have and how I cried a lot and who came over to visit me etc.  I guess it's the adopted childs version of the day you were born story. Just be honest, that shouldn't be hard with the birthmother still in the picture.