Our son seem so unappreciative

Question

we have a 19 yr old son who moved out of state with 2 friends from H.S. Our son and one roommate didnt get along and after only 3 months into the lease he begged to come home. He sd he would rent our downstaris apartment and come and go from downstairs so we wouldnt lose the privacy and peace my husband & I had finally come to know after raising him for 19 yrs. He made all kinds of agreements in writing and yet when I call him on them - coming upstairs without being invited, using our upstairs door to go in and out, he gets RIPPING mad and says I am treating him like sh**! I buy he whatever I feel he needs for his kitchen downstairs, we pay his cell phone, he gets all utilities included for $150/month and he has a full apartment. He does have special needs so he has trouble seeing his part in situations BUT we are trying to teach him to be more independent. When he gets upset I feel guilty and I get depressed and sad inside for him. Even though I feel he is treating me like sh**. Do other parents have similiar expereinces to share w/me and how do other adult children who have moved back home feel about this set up he has? We feel not many parents would keep helping him to this degree and that he has it very good but is completely unappreciative. ???????

Are we expecting too much too soon?

Answer 1

As a therapist, I have met many parents in your situation.  Are you expecting too much...ABSOLUTELY NOT!! You are valid in your feelings and should feel free to act on them.  It is often a difficult situation when "Boomerang Kids" come back to "Re-nest" and parents are confused as to their role(s).  Seeing as though you took the time to write out contracts (which are legally binding BTW) and clearly express expectations, they should be upheld.  If your son is not holding up his end of the bargain, there should be consequences.  Some suggestions are...changing your entry locks so that he cannot enter unless using his own door, discontinue "buying" his affections and supplying him with "whatever he needs" and insist that he earn them, and stop paying his cell phone bill.  He can get a pre-paid phone and once minutes are gone, he cannot talk.  I know you feel sorry for him and that is normal for a good parent, but not teaching him consequences and rules, you are only going to hurt more later when he encounters others who will not treat him as such.  It is okay to be forceful and demand respect, neither of which make you a bad parent.