Outraged by responses to woman who wants to give back her adopted kids!!?

Question

How dare all of you judge her that way?Have you guys personally adopted or even dealt with a kid from the system? Yes there are some that just wanna be loved but most are just home wreckers no matter what you do for them. The state lies to you and paints a very pretty picture and when you sign,they turn their backs on you and act like they have never known you. They want to get rid of them just as badly.Lots of you referred to her as a bad parent....theres only so much even the best parent in the world can do!Whats so hard to understand that these kids just dont care??Its their way or no way and when you stand your ground,they flip!All the parenting classes in the world cant help you with certain situations!As far as that stupid question lots of you asked her,what are you gonna do with your own kids when they misbehave,send them back?...No stupid people, she brought them into this world and she MUST deal with it. She did NOT give birth to these other foster kids so she doesnt HAVE to

Answer 1

WOW!!! I must have missed that ? but let me ask you this have you personaly dealt with or adopted children from fostercare? or are you a birth parent that feels the system screwed them over? I am a PROUD foster and adopotive parent from foster care. I have had notthing but great experinces!! They were always upfront and forthcomming with all the details about the children and there backgrounds. Yes I agree some children have a harder time adapting to a new family and even harder time "losing" there "real" family. But I don't feel "giving them back" is the answer. They need permancy, go to consling, both family and indivual to get to there real cause of there anger. And as for your last statement, she didn't give birth to them.. but she promised to take care of them... now she needs to step up and do it!

Answer 2

Get a grip, Man! You are one bitter, angry person.  It's people that have your attitude that need help.  These kids are being bounced around back and forth because People like you think you can discard another Human like a piece of trash. All it sometimes takes is just one person to show one of these problem kids that THEY MATTER. They need someone to beleive in them, and show them that someone cares, so that they learn how to care.  Look beneath the anger and find some worth and value in the child, and then work it. I agree that it is not a fair question to ask "what would you do if it were your kid, give it back?  Because when you adopt a child, it is not an issue of giving the child back, just as it is not an issue for a birth Mom to give the child back. Work with what you have, suck it up, and deal.  Do you think that these "homewreckers" as you put it woke up one day and thought it would be a nice idea to be a "homewrecker?" These kids were cheated and robbed of their childhood because they were a byproduct of Parents who don't give a ****.  Drugs, Alcohol, Abuse, the list goes on. The kids act out what they are exposed to by their parents. Sure, it's tough with these kids, but maybe you can be the one who can reach one of these kids.  I adopted my child at 1 year of age. He was the product of a drug addicted Mom, and his first year of life was h**l, going through withdrawl, just trying to survive at the very time when He needs that Maternal bonding the most.  As a result, I have a very difficult child to say the least, but I'll tell you, when I think of his first year of life and what He went through, and having NO choice in this, it makes me love him and understand him more.  Don't underestimate these kids, they ARE survivors and they are tough, but out of this toughness, try and UNDERSTAND where they came from.  Grow up, Man and for God s sake, don't adopt or foster until you can see through a childs eyes.

Answer 3

As an adopted kid, please let me make it plain to you THAT YOU ARE AN IDIOT.  MEAN, WORTHLESS, UNFEELING, give me a minute, I'm sure I can come up with more.

We are not rotten eggs.  We are children that for some reason could not be taken care of by the woman that gave birth to us.  This lady you are speaking of made an agreement to raise these kids.  We are not toys you can give back for a refund if you are not happy.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Answer 4

This adoption group tries very hard to help people with serious adoption issues/questions.  I do not know what question you are referring to, however, I take offense that you attack all people in this group by calling us "stupid people" or speaking to us in the manner that you are with this non-question.  This group will not tolerate being badgered with this type of posting.

Answer 5

I'm also a foster parent, and frankly I'm becoming disturbed by some of the people on here who 'claim' to have foster children, and then proceed to call them names, refer to them as system manipulators, and generally run down kids who have been to h**l and back.  Many of these children have developed unlikeable qualities, due to years of abuse and terrible bio AND foster parents.

If people aren't up to it, then of course they should remove themselves from the system, but how about these people show other foster or adoptive parents the same consideration that they're asking for, and watch their mouths also?

Oh, and by the way, if you CHOOSE to bring a child into your life or family, you ARE responsible.  If your attitude is any other than that, then don't be a foster parent!!!!!

These kids have been removed from their first parents for a reason, if you're not prepared to step in and fill that role, then stop inflicting yourself on these children.   Those kids owe you nothing, they never asked you to do it, it that's your attitude it stinks!

Answer 6

I know how hard it can be, my mum fostered children for years. The last child my mum had made her stop fostering, we had had this child in our home from the time he was 3 years old and he left when he was 10. I have never meet a child with the behavioural problems this child had, he was abusive, he stole ran away from school and also tried to burn down our house, he made my mums life, mine and my brothers miserable.

Now why the h**l would any one want to put up with a child that is not there's that behaves in this manner. The kids don't give a f*** how much they hurt you they don't care what they do to your family.

So I think this person has every right to give the little s**** back.

Answer 7

Yes, I have dealt with kids in the system.  I am a foster parent planning to adopt my foster kids.  I would assume if she adopted these children from foster care, she should have had some idea what these children were like ahead of time.  You get to know children very well when they are living under your roof.  If she thought that adopting them would change them, well that just isn't realistic.  I wasn't trying to blast her, but I think she should have thought a little more about her decision before she adopted them, especially against her husband's wishes.  The fact that the agency was willing to allow her to do that should have sent up a red flag to her.  And, FYI, I would not have commented on her question if I didn't have experience with children in the system.  Also, she had to know that she would get some negative answers when she put her rant on here.

Answer 8

I am both a foster and an adoptive parent, have 2 kids with reactive attachment disorder and I have never wanted to send them back.  I chose to take them and I will raise them and love them forever.  It is not their fault they are this way, they are not trying to wreck your life.  They are scared, lost children and need love and support.  My oldest is 14 and I have had her since she was 6, she has come a long way, still has some issues but because of my perserverance and commitment she is in a much healthier place.  I attribute alot of it to my homeschooling her and spending a significant amount of time bonding with her.  Both my children have been through more than most adults could fathom, if not for their bravery and perserverance they would not be where they are today.  These adults made the decision to adopt, become a parent to these children, they were given full disclosure, most states even give you 90+ days with the child before they even start the adoption process, these kids were placed in their care on good faith that they would be loved and cared for and they were once again failed by adults who were supposed to love them.  It sickens me!

Answer 9

I agree with joslin!

Answer 10

wow thats sad

Answer 11

adoption and parenting isnt the same as buying a car, or getting a divorce

you have a baby - you can't just give it back

parenting isn't FUN its work,

Its the love of the child and the childs love for you that makes it all worth it

Its hard as h**l for everyone,

but when you buy a used car, sometimes parts are missing

thats the chance you take when you don't take it for a test drive, or have mechanic check it out first

if you trust the other persons mechanic, well what did you think would happen

Jeeze, next she'll be suing

Answer 12

Get a grip of yourself, man. You have no right putting all of us in the same bag as 'stupid people'.

No offense, but what's 'stupid' is your complete blowout here. You did no good for anybody.

As for this woman's case, she adopted them, so she HAS to deal with it, she CANT just give them back, when a child is adopted he or she becomes your own just as if you are the one that gave birth to it. What she COULD do is get help. She has a right to that.

Answer 13

I think for that woman to admit that she could not raise the children took alot to admit. I rather see the children be moved to another family that will love them unconditionally and with a little more support then she was getting and then they will have a more stable life.

I didnt see the story, I have read a few responses, but as a child that has been in a foster home, I was so glad when we were able to be MOVED. I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF LIVING WITH THIS ONE FAMILY, but we could not do a thing.  I was blamed for everything wrong - they were f'n hypocrits that just used the system and once we left-I never ever looked back.  it was 3 years of h**l AND ABUSE , then we wre moved and I AM STILL CLOSE TO THE FOSTER MOM and FAMILY -TODAY  --  30 yrs later!  (i just realized it was that long ago)  Every day with this other family was loving and wonderful and I have an extended family because of it- HOW BLESSED I FEEL!    (omg that was hard to say and share-I dont normally disclose something so personal)

So can you see what i am saying-THANKGOD! and the kids will survive- they always do IF I HAD THE CHANCE I WOULD ADOPT THEM- I WANT A CHILD SO BAD SEND THEM TO ME..

(I had a surgical accident that doesnt allow me to have children biologically) so I would take a kid in a heartbeat!!

My dear -in your rant somethings mayhave come out wrong- but we see your point and  opinion and recognize it --I dont think you meant to say 1/2 the things you said in that tone

I just hope we can get people to take care of the children so they dont have to be alone...

I am 43 and single --any chances of me being able to adopt a child?

we did adopt my nephew 19 yrs ago at the age of 3months , but that isnt the same - (my mother, father and I)

Answer 14

Yeah well she decided to adopt them, it's just like she is her MOM now, she signed the papers, it's the parents responsibilty took take care of her daughter for at least until the daughter is 18. I feel sorry for the people like you who have no compassion for the kid. She doesn't have real parents and she has never had to worry about anyone but herself. The mother should send her to therapy, but under no circumstances should some one give up a child who has waited to be adopted for years, it's the biggest let down she could EVER face!!!

Answer 15

WOW...  She CHOSE to adopt the children and become their mother!  I don't care if she gave birth or not!  She adopted and therefore became their MOM good or BAD!!!

Now, just because she adopted them should give her the right to send them back!?  NO WAY on the face of the earth!

I am a mother to 3 children...  If one of my children are rotten I can't send them back to the womb, I am their mother and it's my duty to raise them good or bad!  

She made the decision to adopt and therefore she made the decision to be mom and it's her duty to stand by them for good or bad.  I'm not saying it's easy, no parenting is!   I'm just saying she was the one that made the decision to be mom and now she is, so YES she must continue with it!!!  

Kids are not a toy you can just throw away or get rid of like that...  I don't care how bad it is!

Answer 16

Children are not disposable.  You can not adopt them and decide they do not fit in your house, so you take them back.  Parenting (whether biological or adoptive) is a Hard job...and there are times when ALL of us want to give up!!!  That doesn't mean we can give the kids back!  No matter how bad things get, a child deserves to have unconditional love and support...as hard as it is to give it, sometimes.  

Why are you so offended?  Are you the woman, posting under a different name?  (This happens a lot...). Listen...if someone posted a question on here, and they don't like the Answers, they should get off of Yahoo Answers.  This is a forum for feedback.  It is not always the feedback we want to hear...but in this case, I really think anyone who goes through the trouble of adopting...gives a child a chance at a good home...then when the going gets tough, she/he tries to give the kids back....That is pathetic, poor parenting, and really horribly damaging to an already emotionally battered child.  Shame on her.

Answer 17

Rotten eggs?

Home wreckers?

Are you frickin nuts?  These are children who did not ask to be abused, neglected, tortured, or abandoned.

With way out of control behavior, there is the likely possibility they have Reactive Attachment Disorder, Depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at a minimum.

God forbid that ANYONE in your family or circle of friends is saddled with mental or emotional illness.  Or you might dump them on the nearest corner.

This woman has a FULL RIGHT to say, I can't handle these kids!!!!!!!  She has a FULL RIGHT to relinquish rights to them, as well.  

She DOES NOT have a right to blame these kids (for her miscarriage! How horribly cruel!).   She does NOT have the right to blame adoption for HER mistake.  She does NOT have a right to come on an adoption forum and spread hatred, discourage people who may be smarter or more informed than she is, and in general spread negativity just because SHE screwed up.  She was wrong.  She needs to live with it.

If she is so ready to blame emotionally disturbed children, blame caseworkers, blame adoption, blame her family, then heaven help her kids.

I see adoptive parents frequently who have a myth about how THEY are going to "save" a child, "rescue" a child, and love them right out of their pain and suffering from abuse!  So wrong.  So naive.  So oblivious.  And sometimes caseworkers TRY to educate adoptive parents about the emotional scars and challenges ahead for older children, but some adoptive parents turn a deaf ear to it!  They are so caught up in their own ego -- that they will turn these kids around and make them scholars, cheerleaders, and choir boys.  Some may be, but most go through immense struggles to just "be".  The years of pain, hurt and loneliness take their toll.  How could ANY parent not know this?  A parent adopting an older child who has been in an institution (orphanage), or on the streets, or in abusive home after abusive home (98%), has issues!  Who wouldn't???  They may struggle their whole lives just to keep from drinking themselves into oblivion, cutting themselves to pieces, or sleeping with anything that moves.  They are broken souls who need not just love, but a whole new life!  A consistent life filled with patience, consistency, boundaries, kindness, strong, solid, experienced parents, supportive extended family, years of FAMILY and individual therapy, and ACCEPTANCE for who they are, not who you WANT them to be!  How dare a parent who cannot offer this even think of adopting an older child!

Answer 18

Wow, I can't believe how someone can think they can just throw a child away like they were garbage.  This is quite disturbing.  No wonder the world is going to h**l.

I would never think about giving up my 11 yr. old with ADHD.  Trust me, he is a handful.  Sometimes, I am the only person who believes in him.  I would never even think of NOT having him.  He is my world even if he has his bad days.

Kids can sense when there are problems.  If there is such negativeness around them......they will act out!!!  DUH!  Calling them names sure isn't going to help their self-esteem either!!!

Answer 19

BUT the kids are the ones who suffer.  If you are going to adopt, or have foster kids, you have to go into it knowing that it may be a very difficult transition for the kids and the foster parent.  Being a parent, you have to love and support your kids unconditionally whether they are biological or adopted.  Yes some foster kids can be intolerable, but put yourselves in their shoes.  If you have biological kids, can you ever picture them being moved around from home to home?    Feeling neglected, often abused?Would you give away your own child if they were not behaving?  I cant even imagine the suffering that goes on for a defenseless child not to have the nurturing and love that most of us have had or give to our own children.  So the answer should not be to give adopted kids back.  This isnt merchandise you buy at a store with a 60 day warranty.  These are human beings that need nurturing, need to be taught right from wrong, need to know that someone will not give up on them.  If youre having a hard time, go to counseling, seek help.. BUT DONT GIVE THE CHILDREN BACK. IT IS UNFAIR AND IRRESPONSIBLE.  Now if you dont trust yourself, then thats a different story.  BUT children are our future.  They are defenseless and need protection, love, and guidance.

Answer 20

All I can say is this is very sad, adoption is meant to be forever.  It is true some older kids in the system can have some emotional baggage, behavior problems. However people going into adoption should know this, and be told by the foster agency about them. So they know what they are getting into. A lot of fosters have problems because they spend their entire life in the system moving from foster home to foster home. They have realized they can’t depend on adults, because they are never in the same place long enough.  They feel no one cares about them.

This woman clearly shouldn’t be a mother at all adopted or biological. Because if she thinks it impossible to have a  natural child(ren) with issues, she is kidding herself It probably be in her adopted kids benefit to be placed somewhere else.