Over the last few months I have been lamenting the loss of a friendship that went down the toilet because of..

Question

... what I believe to be my bad temper.

I have posted a couple of questions here on Yahoo Answers and the overwhelming feedback I get is that he hasn't responded to my requests for a chat to reconcile so I should regard him as unworthy and go on my way.

Why do I feel I the need to apologize?

Other people both here and elsewhere say that I most certainly do not need to apologize and that his lack of response is an indication that he is cold and shallow and wasn't a good friend in the first place.

Something in me says that I should write one more letter - snail mail - hand written this time and put it all down in black and white about why I take responsibility for wrecking a potentially lifelong friendship and to hope for the best.

I am quite a bright guy and I can see that I amy be looking at this through rosy coloured spectacles.

My therapist says he is shallow (from what she has heard about him) and that I should let it go.

My question is: How do I know what he is

Answer 1

I don't understand the background here. But, if you have a bad temper then chances are that had a VERY large part in the loss of friendship. If he hasn't responded to your request to reconcile, then, move on. I don't think you should regard him as unworthy, because he is probably still reacting to your problem.

You feel the need to apologize because deep down inside you know you were wrong.

Your therapist only knows what you are willing to tell her about this person. And most valuable therapists would not tell you he was shallow.

If he hasn't shown any inclination to reconcile with you, then it is time to simply move on. You can write to him if you want, but, if it were me, I probably wouldn't respond to that either.

Answer 2

I may not know what ended your friendship, but I understand the feeling quite well.  Over the past year I have had a bad attitude concerning the fallout I had with my ex-best friend.  I've understood my mistakes, but I also know that the fallout was definitely warranted.

There were many times I felt like I needed to apologize.  It's the way a friendship works, feeling the need to make it better whether or not you were in the right to put the friendship on the line.  I'm assuming the fallout with your friend happened because you said something through your bad attitude, but whether or not it was warranted on your part is for you alone to assess.  You still feel the need to apologize because it's a side of you that you probably don't like, and you feel bad for letting it loose.  Was the friendship in need of a "bad remark" on your part?  I can't say, I'm not you.  But if it was, then maybe if you can make contact with him, you should apologize for how this whole fiasco started, but calmly address the issue (if there is one) and find a way together to fix the problem.

As for him, I think it's silly to think of him as shallow.  He's human.  I don't know him, and neither do these other Yahoo members or your therapist.  You know him better than anyone, and you know (or I hope you know) that he's not a perfect person either.  How do you know what he is?  Well, you should follow your own head, because I'm sure your therapist doesn't know what he is and nor do the other people (me included) who are reading this.  Stop listening to those people who don't even know him a little, because they're just trying to make you feel better when they should be doing is giving you profitable advice.

Whatever happened probably hurt him, and seclusion from the hurt is a natural instinct.  I'm not saying you're a bad person and he's naturally avoiding you because of that, but I'm sure he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you right now.  Whether this fight was something that he was in fault for or not, his reaction isn't "shallow" or downright stupid or anything.  It's defensive.

This whole "chat" thing makes me stand back and go, "Ehhh..."  Whose bright idea was it to suggest using the internet to make apologies?  I don't like any sort of written form of apologies (though letter writing does seem a little bit more sincere since near to nobody uses it any more and it shows you took the time to do something a little more convincing, I guess) and even over the phone seems a little awkward but it's a step in the right direction.  Words that aren't coming out of your mouth can be misconstrued and the tone is almost artificial seeing that the reader must figure out what it is you're trying to say and how you're saying it.  A phone call helps, but there isn't the eye contact, the amount of effort that goes into knocking on their front door.  I suggest meeting face to face if you can.  It shows that you're putting your whole self out there regardless if he wants to tear you to pieces or not, and you can really let him know how you feel without him mincing your words on the screen or a piece of paper.  And remember, be honest.  Nothing good can come from defending yourself through pride or by addressing him as if he's completely in the right if there's something he did on his part to make this happen too.

If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work.  That doesn't make anyone shallow, in my book.  It just makes you two out to be too incompatible for a friendly relationship.  I hope something works out for you, though.  You seem like a good guy who just wants to set things right.  Good luck, and don't beat yourself up over this.

EDIT:

Just goes to show that when I write a book of a reply, I miss the additional details.  What I say still stands, though.  Drug and alcohol use can make anyone angry, especially if you really like the guy.  You were worried because those are destructive and you were being protective.  You need to sit him down and apologize for busting his *** over it, but you also need to let him know why you acted the way you did.  Whether or not he wants to be anything to you, he needs to understand your reasoning behind your actions.  I say let him know, then give him some space to think it over.  Ultimately, he's the only one who can change his destructive lifestyle and you can't make him choose to give it up, but you can let him know that you care and you're sorry for making him upset.  I don't think that was shallow of him to react the way he did, it's still defensive because he's become dependent.  Help him out, but give him space, because any sort of change will be really tough for both of you, him especially.

Answer 3

I believe that when our inner voice guides us to do something, we should do it.  So, I would personally write the letter.  However, given the situation, I would let him know that this is the last letter you're sending...so it is either going to be a fresh start or a more peaceful goodbye.  After you send the letter try to let go, if you can.  Allow time to work for you...if this person is truly your friend and someone worthy of all this concern that you have, then he will come around.  If not, then try to let go and move on and rest assured that you did everything in your power to bring peace to the situation.  Good luck to you!!  :)

Answer 4

If this person was such a great friend that you want to appologize, wouldn't you know "what he is"? It doesn't seem realistic to throw away your dignity on someone you don't even know. I don't know the whole story, but whoevers fault it was should be the one to fess up and appologize as petty as that sounds, why should the one who got hurt have to take the burden and appologize? The ball is in the court of whoever was the jerk.