Overbareing inlaws!?

Question

Im due to have our first baby in a couple of weeks and i'm worried more and more about my relationship with my inlaws. They have already seemed to have forgotten that this child will have 2 sets of grandparents not to mention myself and my husband. They keep talking about when the baby is over there and when the baby stays with them and on and on. His mother has even gone so far as to start buying a whole wardrobe for when the bay is with them. Like im not going to send clothes for my child. Ive tried to talk to my husband about how much this bothers me but he just says oh thats just how they are. They already come over and take the dog (which lived with them until we got married) but sometimes its for 3 days at a time. Thats not going to happen with my baby. I work full time and plan to have my child with me when im not at work. I just don't want to strain our relationship when I have to tell them no my baby is staying with me. How can I address this calmly its driving me nuts.

Answer 1

I had this same issue with my inlaws.  You just have to take charge and be clear.  How you feel now, and how you feel after you have the baby, can drastically change.  So I would just try to ignore what they're saying for now.

Once you have the baby - wait and see how you feel.  If they ask to take the baby, and you're exhausted and would love a break - then let them.  If they ask, and you do not want them to take the baby, just say so.  Tell them you're not comfortable with being separated from the baby just now, or you don't have to even give a reason - just say "no thanks!" and tell them if they want to visit, to just call.

Just remember its your baby, you call the shots.  Just do what you feel comfortable with.  Good luck!

Answer 2

Unfortunately the same thing happened with me... My inlaws were even going to go as far as putting a cot in their room. They tried controlling what i fed the baby, how i put the baby to sleep etc.. and so much more.. it got to the point where we finally got into a huge fight because enough was enough.. the fact my husband stuck up for me shocked his mother and she slapped him for it.. "i'm his wife he needs to stick up for me" Well.. the relationship with the inlaws went down hill.. it only got better when they realised i am my daughters mother, my daughter has other grandparents too... and it was my rules or the highway... let me tell you now.. instead of before when they use to just do what they like and treat me like a no body... now they even ask if she can eat this or if they can change her nappy or so on... I think they're trying to get the control back but it wont happen.. and this is only because i'm having another baby...

Unfortunately your husband and yourself need to be firm on your inlaws.. dont let them make decissions for you.. you need to grow a back bone and when its no its no... i think what scared my inlaws is the fact they either listened to me or they were not to see my daughter.. It was a harsh thing to say to them.. but i can't explain the way they've treated and talked to me.. they basically said the night we had a blow out ... talking to my husband infront of me 'we told you what would happen if you married her' Thats because they're indian.. and i'm white... indians will scrub their inlaws feet if the inlaw was to ask! i would tell mine to do it themself!

Try addressing it calmly.. but what ever 'you' say they will take it the wrong way... let them think what they like... i think once the baby is born thats when you say No.. thats not happening.. and No... thats no happening.. or i don't like that... They still might try and say 'we know what we're doing you don't.. we've had kids before your new to this' Say well I know whats best for MY daughter not you.

I remember 1 night i said to my father inlaw can you please pass yasmine to me.. he said no.. i said 'give me my daughter now! i said to my husband we're going now. The fact i said she was 'MY daughter' which she is caused a huge arguement... the inlaws said she's everyones not just mine...they can shove that up their bottoms.. because when my daughter has diarreah, spewing, rubbing c**p on walls... not everyone will clean up after her.. it will be me.

Take it easy and just address the problems when they arise.. but don't sit back and let them go otherwise they'll build up.

Answer 3

Find a way to bring it up in general conversation how you just 'absolutely would not be able to spend any extended amount of time away from your baby'.  Hopefully they'll take the hint.  Otherwise, you'll just have to wait until the baby is born; you can't really get mad at them over something that hasn't happened yet, but believe me I understand how you feel.  When they come over and want to take the baby you're just going to have to say no (within reason, of course).  Just try to remind yourself that they are doing this because they love you guys and your baby.  (though that doesn't make it less annoying)

Answer 4

ahh... the whole Inlaws thing.

Luckily, I have inlaws who could careless. lol But that's without talking about my mother whom I can't even tell my child No in front of because if she gets upset, my mom will FREAK OUT. "why did you make her cry?!" umm, she's almost 4 and was going to grab the boiling water off the stove maybe?!

Ugh.

However, You should look at it from thier side too. I don't know what grandchild this is (1st or 40th) but They seem to all do this to some degree. my bestfriends mom decided she had to set up an entire room in her house, turned it into a nursery for my friend who in in town maybe for a weekend every 4 months. lol (it used to be more, but hey, there's a baby now)

when she was pregnant her mom talked about how she'd keep the baby over the summer.. and my friend was completely stressed out trying to figure out how she was going to tell her that "over her dead body" basically that was going to happen. Her mom was just SUPER EXCITED. this was the first grandchild.

I don't think they have forgotten that you are the parent, that the child has other relatives, I just think they are excited. They wanna buy all kinds of things for the baby when it's there (never said it would be there without you exactly, did they?)

After 1 child and having 1 on the way, I gotta tell you.. Smile and nod, and Play it by ear. There's no need to rush over and tell them that it's your child and the child won't be staying with them, blahblahblah.. after the child is born... if they start talking about when they can keep him/her then that's when you need to start coming up with reasons why. Most likely they will be good ones.. You work full time and don't see him/her enough as it is.. But maybe we can all come over for dinner next weekend? kind of thing.

So my advice is just ignore it right now. Its not worth getting all bent out of shape and upset this close to delivery because your IL's have went baby crazy. Let them go baby crazy, it doesn't mean they want to take the baby for days at a time because they took the dog for 3 days. lol as I'm sure you know, dogs and babies are two different things. WAY different in behavior for one.. Dogs are WAY easier. lol

I understand it's driving you crazy. They will probably do alot of things that drive you nuts. After kids, most people do. lol

Good luck with everything!

Answer 5

This is definitely a woman thing... where they have to rule their own nest.  

Grandparents are supposed to spoil the grandchild.  Hence the new clothes.

Just be happy your inlaws are wanting to be a part of the baby's life. I  know it's hard for women to be happy... women need some drama to feel importand and needed.  

You work full time, but who's going to watch the baby while you're at work?

Just lay out your plans with your inlaws.... who will watch baby?  When?  Where?

It doesn't have to be a drama unless you make it a drama.  

Talk to your husband about the details so he's on the same page as you.