Overly emotional?? Or paranoid? Or right?

Question

OK, my husband of three years has always acted normal and been loving. We just had our first baby in march and now we have another one on the way due April 3, 2009. Since he found out I am pregnant, he has been running out all over the place. He wakes up, trip to BR, then cigarrette, then he leaves and I don't see him again until 2 or 3 in the morning. Then the next day it all starts over. A few times he has come home and went straight to the shower. Other nights he comes home smelling of different colognes when he knows I am allergic to virtually ALL perfumes and colognes. I swear I think he is cheating on me. I hate to think that but I do. I sit at home and cry and cry and cry. I feel like I can't do this anymore. He never offers any help. He says he'll do one thing then the next day he says he never said that. He has started going outside to talk on the phone and gets mad when I open the door. When I confront him with my thoughts he says I am acting stupid and being a ******. And if I am not happy with him anymore I should just leave. Why would he say that? Then he turns around and says if he wanted someone else he would be there and not here. Well, he's hardly ever here. And when he is here, he is disinterested. He doesn't even act like he is attracted to me. last time I was pregnant, he couldn't keep his hands off of me.Now, even if I want s*x, he doesn't act like it is something he wants. I don't know what to do. Am I just paranoid and over emotional??What would you think is going on if you were in this situation?? He NEVER used to act like that. This has only begun in the last week or two.

Answer 1

I think he is fooling around on you.  All the classic signs are there.  I'm sorry.  

Answer 2

The signs are there....He is cheating on you.....I know that your pregnancy hormones can lead to paranoid thinking...but if your husband is doing exactly what you say he is doing...He has some floozy he is seeing....sorry to say....

Answer 3

go on stike dont do nothing go away for a week to  family members house and dont call that fool and get that social security number and find out what the h**l he is up to get someone to follow he dont do anything for him stay out yourself and as soon as he came in id go out my husband knows he can be replaced with a vibrator in hot second and get on birth control i wouldn't give him another child to save my life i were you straight up you are not paranoid women tend to know these things if he was a horny dog always a horn dog he just tied you down and tell him your going back to work once the child born and thats that  

Answer 4

These behaviors sound consistent with either drug abuse or an affair.  Good luck.

Answer 5

Overly emotional - probably.

Paranoid - doesn't sound like it?

Cheating man?  Sure stacks up to sound like that to me!  

You need some real hard questions & answers and if he wants you to leave instead of giving you those answers then perhaps you should consider a quick DASH AWAY for a week or so and see how he likes THEM apples!  

He needs a reality check and YOU Need some truth here before #2 arrives to a cheating, lying father... Sorry but he is showing ALL the tell tale signs of a cheater..... making YOU Feel bad, like it's all you and not him at all, threats of leaving or you leave, phone calls outside, late nites, immediate showers, cologne smells..... either you are really really a great paranoid or he is a big fat liar!  Check his cell phone bill for calls made often; get a friend to follow him.... might want to consider some other options to get at the truth if he won't give it to you.  SO SORRY.... I hope you/we are wrong!

Answer 6

Sounds like something's up.  Stay cool and pleasant but start planning where you would go with the kids if you had to get out of there.  It's not a good sign that he's calling you names.  Talk with your mother, aunt, girlfriend, or someone you trust about temporary living arrangements if it comes to that.  It doesn't sound like he's very interested in you, your child, or your pregnancy right now.

Answer 7

Wow that must be really tough on you.. I'm so sorry...

I don't think you're being paranoid-- I think he's the one at fault.

I wouldn't jump straight to the conclusion that he's cheating, but maybe he has just grown apart from you.

Hope everything goes well

Answer 8

there is nothing wrong with you but you have to bath, dress s**y cloth the way you used to do your things before you got pregnant.Cook his favourite meals, take him to his favourite places.Have romantic dinner

Answer 9

Wow. That is super tough.

I dont know what to say, maybe you should go to a marriage counselor.

Or just go stay with your mom for a while. Or try to talk to him,

I wish I could help more, but Im not so sure.

Answer 10

Sounds like he is hiding something-whatever it may be.  It would be best to find out what it is now. See if he will sit seriously and talk to you about what is going on.  Unfortunately if you can't catch him at anything and he doesn't want to talk then all you can do is react on your gut instinct. Good luck!

Answer 11

he is def hiding something, and u better find out what it is for your own sake. was this new pregnancy planned? something tells me no. something also tells me that you are very young and that he is not ready for all of this. sounds like cheating to me, but you better make sure and have a plan, then stick to it. and whatever happens, MAKE SURE you get child support from him till these kids are 18. yes, its the LAW!!!

Answer 12

You just had your first child in March, which means the child if 5 months old, and you are now pregnant with a second child due in April of '09. When that child is born the first child will only be a year and a month old. In less than a year you two will have two children a year and younger. That is a lot of stress!

The fact that he behavior began when you gave him the news of this new pregnancy is very telling. He is obviously freaked with the idea of having two infants to quickly back to back. What were you thinking to allow yourself to become pregnant so soon after the first? I am not trying to be mean, just practical. Are you aware of what this will do to your body? Are you aware of how much work this is going to be? A second child is not twice as much work, it is three times as much work, but that is when there is at least 2 or more years between them. With there being a little more than a year between them, the work is going to be more than three times. Oh my goodness!

Your body has not had time to recovery from the first pregnancy. Now you are pregnant again. It is not healthy to have children so close together. But, you are pregnant now, and that is the fact.

Honey, I hate to tell you this, but you are losing your husband. He cannot stand the idea of another child so soon after the first. He may not be dealing with the birth of the first well either, he just hasn't told you, or you are too busy with the child, and too tired, to notice his stress and his fear. Him getting up in the middle of the night is a sure sign of not being able to sleep and under a great deal of stress. He must feel horrible to discover he is not dealing with this well.

As for why he would say to you that if you are not happy with him to just leave, that would take a lot of pressure off of him without him being the bad guy! Of course, he feels torn, and feel bad, but he also doesn't want to leave. He probably hides his conversations because he is talking about having such trouble dealing with all the new responsibilities and now you are pregnant again too. He doesn't want you to overhear him say that he is afraid he cannot deal with this situation, that maybe he has bit off more than he can chew (handle).

He obviously loves you and the child, or he would have left already. He is gone for long periods because he cannot handle the responsibility and now he is so afraid of the new child's birth. He feels like crud and knows he is letting you and his children down.

You need help. You must speak with him about this right away. I mean you must ask him if he is having second thoughts about being able to handle being a husband and father, and that you two should get some help, right away. Tell him you love him, and you are scared too. Let him know that while you do not regret the second child, you do regret getting pregnant too soon after the first, that it has caused a great deal of stress for the both of you. Tell him that you two can work through this together, but that you both need to be open and honest if you are to survive.

I am sorry dear, but this isn't a good sign of him staying with you. He seems to want too, but he may cut and run. I am so, so, sorry. But, fight for him, talk with him, to too him. Do not raise your voice, do not cry on him, sit down and discuss what is happening with him. Tell him that it is obvious something is troubling him, and you do deserve to know what it is, so you can attempt to work on it.

Good luck and much success with your children and marriage. I am very sorry, but I do not think it is as simple as him cheating. I think he is scared silly and about to cut and run.

Answer 13

Check his phone records.  Sounds like he's got a girlfriend.

1.  Came home smelling of cologne that wasn't yours.

2.  Wakes up, smokes, leaves until 2 or 3 am.

3.  Goes outside to talk on phone and gets mad at you if he thinks you will overhear him.

4.  Tells you to leave if you're not happy.

5.  Accuses you of acting stupid (he is being condescending and cruel).

Next thing you know he'll accuse YOU of cheating on him.  They tend to do that.

Do you live in an apartment building?  Have a close neighbor?  Keep your eyes and ears open for more clues.  There is something fishy going on here!

Answer 14

It seems he is having two problems, he seems to be developing mental problems, and he seems to be fooling around on the side, and doesn't care if he hides it or not. Move in with your parents, he's not stable.

Answer 15

I agree with Anji.  She's very smart anyway.  There's definitely something going on & he is being defensive because he knows you know.  You can't let him off the hook when he's coming home smelling like cologne, sneaking out late at night & holding private conversations on his cell like that.  Actions speaker louder than words & he has to know it's her or you.  If he is not going to respect the vows he made to you & the family you made together, then sadly you have to get out.  Next time he lays the "just leave" act on you (to push your  buttons I might add), tell him to move out and see how nonchalant he remains.  I am so sorry you are going thru this.

Answer 16

He is up to NO good...

He is defensive because he knows that YOU Know....

Get rid of him if he is unwilling to fess up and make a change.

You and your kids deserve better.

Answer 17

First off, I want to say that I'm sorry your going through this, and congrats on the baby!

Your husband may feel very stressed right now, I mean he is really going through a lot right now with having a newborn and having another one.

I suggest that you sit down and have a conversation with him. Tell him what is bothering you ..without crying or screaming.

You both should also go out on a date night, if that is out of the question, have a date night at home. You two really need to reconnect and see whats on each others minds.

There are a lot of fun things you can do to get him excited about being a dad so that he doesnt feel pressured and overwhelmed. Watch a move, eat a nice candle lit dinner, go out together. You can also include your baby and the new baby into activities.

Answer 18

Well even if he's not cheating on you (but it sounds like he is) than there is obviously something up.  I suppose the best thing you could possibly do is wait for a time when you're not arguing with one another, and tell him you need to talk to him.

Sit down with him, hold his hand, and explain how you're feeling.  Tell him you're upset that he's not home like he used to be, and that you're scared for your relationship.  Explain that you love him with all your heart, and it hurts you to think that your relationship has taken this awful turn.  Tell him you miss him, and ask him why he's been distant and aloof lately.  He may explain, or he may get up angry and storm out.  He may be cheating, or it may be something completely different.

If he explains, go from there and decide what you want to do (post another question about what to do after he explains and e-mail me the link if you want, I'll advise you on it.)

If he storms out angrily without explaination or concern, that's not a good sign.  I would wait a few days and make another attempt at talking to him the same way.  Most likely, he'd either be cheating or would have lost all interest in the relationship if he has no concern for your feelings and no desire to change things to make you happy.  At that point you'd need to decide if you're happy remaining in this type of marriage.  Try suggestion counseling and see if he'd go for it -- he may or may not.  If he won't go to couseling and won't talk to you, than obviously his mind and heart are no longer in the relationship and you should probably consider making your exit.

Good luck.

Answer 19

While it is true that during pregnancy your emotions are more intense, I don't think that you are paranoid to worry that something is wrong.  Having children, especially back-to-back like that is stressful, and can really be rough on a marriage.  It is possible that he is cheating, or at least flirting and acting like he is single.  Just because he is acting strangely doesn't mean that he cheating though.

Although it seems pathetic because the woman is the one that deals with the bulk of the stress of babies and pregnancy, it is possible that your husband is just really overwhelmed and doesn't feel he can talk to you because you already have enough to worry about.  Maybe he is the world's biggest ****** and he is cheating on his pregnant wife, maybe he is working extra for money.

Here is the thing you have to ask yourself-if he is cheating do you want to know?  What will you do-divorce?  If you are just going to end up broken hearted, but not do anything you are probably better off not knowing.

If it were me, I would do some snooping (after all if he is cheating then whoever he sleeps with so do you, so you can't risk the diseases), and I would make it clear that regardless of the reason, certain behavior is not cool.  He doesn't need to be out late, secretive, rude and demeaning to you.  If he is not going to stay around anyway, why put up with his bull, you are already alone so why be treated badly too?  Also, you should keep a log of the behaviors that make you uncomfortable so that he can't confuse the issue and you don't forget.  It is a lot harder to explain away facts and deny recorded events.

You should demand that he change his behavior, account for his time and show his phone records.  Although it is intrusive, if he has nothing to hide, why be secretive?  If he unwilling to meet your expectations, you have to consider exactly what you will put up with and what you are going to do.  Don't threaten, just act.

I know with a baby and one on the way, you are probably feeling really vulnerable and like you don't have many options, but you don't have to put up with someone treating you badly, especially now of all times.  Maybe if you tell him that you are considering leaving since he doesn't act like he wants to be there anyway, it will shock him out of his funk.

Chances are he is just scared, stressed, etc and just not handling it well.  He is probably not cheating or at least not sleeping with someone else.  No matter what though, you shouldn't feel like you are wrong or to blame.  Also, you should be treated better.

Now that you are a mom, how you allow your husband to treat you is teaching your children how they should be treated or how they should treat people.  It is one thing to choose as an adult to be mistreated, but  to allow our choices to negatively impact our children is not cool.

I feel for you and I hope it goes well.  Take care of yourself!  

Answer 20

you said "And if I am not happy with him anymore I should just leave. Why would he say that? Then he turns around and says if he wanted someone else he would be there and not here."

Boy does that sound familiar - I hear both of those things at least weekly when I confront my husband about his chats on line.

Anyway, it sounds like he is having a problem dealing with the additional responsibility that is on the way. I don't think your paranoid, he is acting WAY to suspicious for it to be paranoia. I would tell him he has a choice, either he can tell you why he is acting the way he is or you want a separation since he doesn't seem to want to be home.

Answer 21

Unfortunately it does sound like he is up to something.  Especially the defensive way he says "just leave me then". If he had nothing to hide he would be willing to talk and want to put your mind at ease. Try to do some investigating for proof, and remember, you deserve better so dont let him treat you this way. Leave him if you have to, its better to be alone than miserable.