Overnight visits with father?

Question

My 6 year old daughter just meet her natural father 4 months ago. He has come to see her once with his parents, once alone and I have brought her to him and we (me,child,father,grandma) went shopping for her. He lives half way across the state and has asked twice about taking her for a weekend. I don;t think this is a good idea sence he hasn't been involved enough yet. He still lives at home with his parents so I am pretty sure that they will be doing most of the "work" in taking care of her while she is there. I am just looking for opinions here I know I will be the one who has to make the final decision,

Answer 1

I would be scared too!  Your daughter will resent you when she grows up if you don't let him see her..you have to be careful on how to handle this.

I would tell the father that that could possibly work out but you need to take it slow. Explain to him why.  Then when you first decide to let him take her..go with them. See what type off environment he will bring her too. do this as long as you need too. It might suck but hey, either that or no go at all...right?

How long has it been since he stopped drinking.  Is he still in AA?

Tell his parents your concern. Are they good people. Maybe they could keep an eye on our daughter to make sure  she will be taken care off. Could you make it legal that when he takes her it's only when his parent are around.

Don't do it til you are convinced that she will be safe. Just take it slow and the truth will come out in the wash.  and then, you will know what to do.

good luck!!

PS be nice....don't make it to difficult on him.  My father never came around partially, I believe, because my family was nuts!! I know that's is no excuse. It was very painful to think my dad didn't care. And my mom only thought about herself and didn't care that he wasn't there and she didn't bother keeping contact with his side of the family. Now, I have a small family. My husband, two kids, and 2 pets!!!LOL I rarely talk to my mom.

Answer 2

thats her father, why not let him have her overnight?  why hasn't he been involved before now?  was it a move on your part?  a choice of his?   I'd let her go, even if the grandparents are taking on most of the responsibility.  You'll know shes well taken care of.  If there are signs of anything having gone wrong during the visit when you get her back home that will be the time to rethink letting her stay for the weekend.

Answer 3

I think that it would be best to ask your kid what she wants.  She isn't old enough to make the choice herself, but it may help you with your decision.

Answer 4

It's still better that the child knows well his natural father. So that no problems can sprout in the future regarding his real father.

Answer 5

I think your daughter's opinion should be definitely considered before you make her do anything.The father of my sister in law's daughter also lives in another city and with his parents. And you're right, his parents do end up doing most if not all of the work. But my sister-in-law prefers it that way anyway b/c the father is a lazy idiot. Maybe you guys should consider going to court to figure out custody. But I agree that he hasn't been involved very long. It might be upsetting to your daughter to have to go spend the weekend with people she barely knows.  

Answer 6

Im guessing you're a bit uneasy about your daughter being so far away with what is practically a stranger to her. Perhaps having her father come to a motel near you or stay with you for a weekend or something like that first will be an easier introduction. It will the give the father a chance to see first hand your ways of raising her and also leave your daughter with the security of having her mother close by.

P.S. I think it's really great that her father is interested in spending time with his daughter.

edit - even with your added information, the visits i suggested still work out. You are able to evaluate his progress and show him how to care for your daughter.

Answer 7

Not easy

Answer 8

If you are not comfortable with it, do not let it happen.  As long as it has not been court ordered, just continue doing what you are doing.

Answer 9

Before you let her stay with him for a week, you need to set up child visitation times. such as every weekend or so. Let her at least spend and entire DAY with him before he has her for a complete weekend! she needs to get to know him a little more, to feel more comfortable around him. And you also need to know what type if things they would do together, and how he would care for the child.

Answer 10

Okay, depending on your age, let's pretend I'm your older sister or aunt, responding to your question and sharing my lived wisdom over coffee.

You didn't mention why dad was out of the picture all this time, or if your daughter has since bonded with a step-father and/or other male role model. I imagine you've had a pretty tough time raising your daughter on your own. Suddenly, the man who has been the sperm donor to date shows up.  

It's important to figure out what you want. Even more important, what I think I hear is your intuitive sense that this would not be in the best interests of your daughter. Regardless of the reasons for dad's absence for so long, her father is essentially a stranger (as are her grandparents). I wouldn't turn my daughter over in this situation, even if held at gunpoint. I think I hear the same mama bear quality in you, which is always to be trusted.

Assuming he's a good man (he's obviously not a good father, unless he's been away at war all this time), the only way I'd consider allowing him back into your daughter's life is if he moved down the block, didn't date, and made her his priority on a very regular basis (supervised, since you do not know who he is today, and living with mom and dad raises several questions of character). Visits with grandma and grandpa (your home) would be great.

These considerations are all modified if she already has a "dad" (presence being the determining factor).

I hope this helps strengthen, perhaps clarify, your owner inner knowing. Best wishes, sweetie.

EDIT - I saw you added the details of why he wasn't around (a courageous, smart motherly decision). Even if he moved close by, 5 years sober, involved in recovery programs, etc. Nothing unsupervised by you (play dates in the park, visits at either home, friendly). He has a LOT to prove and earn. Don't feel any obligation, the chances that his involvement in your daughter's life can be positive are not good

Answer 11

Well considering he missed so may years of her life, I think you are doing the right thing. It may be her father, but she doesn't know him all that well yet.

Your daughter should feel comfortable with her daddy before any over nights :)

Good luck

Answer 12

My personal opinion is that he's missed out on the first 6 years of her life, so it's going to take a while for her to get to know him.

I say let him keep having day visits with him for at least two more months and if he keeps showing up regularly and she is taking being around him well, then maybe let her go for one night and see how she does.

Answer 13

i THINK JUST LIKE YOU. AFTER 6 YEARS WITHOUT BEEN INVOLVED IS A LONG TIME TO SUCH GREAT STEP AFTER ONLY 4 MONTHS IN HER LIFE. SO, I ´D TALK TO HIM AND ASK FOR A LIL BIT MORE TIME SO  THIS WAY EVERYBODY IS GONNA ENJOY THAT RELATIONSHIP. JUST KEEP ON THE VISITING AND MAYBE FOR THE HOLIDAYS  THEY MIGHT BE READY FOR A WEEKEND BY THEMSELVES.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 14

I agree that this could be overwhelming to the child.  He should present the option directly to your daughter, while in your presence, and you should take note of her reaction.  When she starts to sound eager to go then you might decide to let her.  Until then, there is no reason to rush things.  Supervised visits, as you've been doing, are adequate for now.

Answer 15

If he was alone I would be more wary but his parents will be there and I'm sure they wouldn't let anything happen to her. If you aren't completely comfortable with it I wouldn't send her, but you might be able to come to a compromise. Could he spend a weekend where you live? At a hotel or even in your house if you would be ok with it. That way he would be able to see her over a longer time but your daughter wouldn't be so fr away from you.

How does your daughter feel? Does she want to stay with him for a weekend? If not then there is absolutely no way she should go, but if she does then you might just want to give it a little more time before you allow her to.

Answer 16

He has a right to see his daughter.  It doesn't matter what you think.

edit: Sorry you people can't handle the truth.

edit2: Well has a judge given you 100% custody?  If that is the case then he doesn't have the right to see his daughter.  She just needs to have a relationship with a father figure or she will have problems later.