PAPs/APs: Would this offend you?

Question

Oops

http://veritastisme.blogspot.com

Answer 1

Camira, I didn't find it offensive at all. I was really touched by it and even got a little teary. You clearly bend way over backwards to respect the feelings of adoptive parents. I don't see how anyone would be offended. Have they been?

You are clearly a great mom. And I really hope you get your kid back.

Answer 2

I'm neither an ap or adoptee but more so a "former pap" who has friends/family that are and were affected by adoption as well as having a job that involves working for people that are affected by adoption in general.  

Its not offensive at all.

It get your points across perfectly but I'm afraid it will fall on deaf ears, however, it will be good for the general public to read so they'll wake up.  The type of Ap's your addressing only care about themselves and not whats truly in the best interest of children because unfortunately they don't get what that is. Those types are not able to have compassion or understanding of anothers situation and are content on "railroading" and blaming instead of looking at solutions that will help or aid mothers in need of support to prevent crisis situations that lead to women placing children or having them removed from their home in the first place.

Good luck with getting your children back and post a link so everyone can read it.

Answer 3

No, it wouldn't offend me at all.

Our experiences dictate our opinions, so obviously yours is reflective of your current ordeal. I know of many adoptive parents who walked away with heavy hearts after a first mom decided she wanted to parent before the adoption was final, but they felt it was the right thing to do. I hurt for them, but I supported them wholeheartedly and believe that if a mom asks for her child back before the adoption is finalized, there should not be any court battles or fanfare. I also backed another adoptive family who fought tooth and nail and won in court against the first parents (and so they should have) because the first parents were grossly unfit in almost every way you can think. It was about safety in that case.

I don't know about your full situation, however, you sound like a sincere person and I hope this ugly situation is rectified soon.

Answer 4

This leads to the age old question of what defines a "parent."  A birth mother who gives up her child at birth to an adoptive parent, to me, at that point is not the "parent" any more.  You brought the child into this after nurturing it in your womb for 9 months, but you have not given it any mental nourishment or physiological love.  The adoptive parents who raise the child from the time it's born until whenever are the true parents because they raised that child, they gave that child personality and a home.   They are the basis and model by which that child will grow up and understand his/her place in our society.

I am Asian-American, if I were adopt a caucasean girl let's say, and raise her up to be as Asian as I am, teach her my Asian language, dress her up as an Asian... she would physically not look Asian, but I would have raised her up to be Asian and think Asian.  Do you think that if her birth mother were to come into her life when she's older, that she would then all of sudden lose her Asian "heritage" and become caucasean again?  I don't think so.  She will of course want to know who her birth mother is, I'm sure.  She would want to know why she was given up for adoption, she would be very curious to know her biological ties... but in her mind, I don't believe she would yearn to be someone else, other than what she is now.  That is, given that I have raised her right and given her a loving and caring home.

I know that to a birth mother, it always seems that because they carried the child into the world that it is their God-given right to be the only "parent" and "true parent" of the child, but I totally disagree with that.  At the point where you decided to give up your child, that was the point that you became essentially a surrogate mother for that child.

The real parent in all of this is the parent that raised the child, saw the child fall for the first time and helped them up and hugged them to make them stop crying.  The real parent is the one that saw them off to school from day one,  until they graduated college.  The real parent is the one that would give anything and everything for that child... even though that child is not biologically theirs, but they love them just as much as anything.

Many look at this case like the "real parent" trying to get back their child... I look at it as the child's PARENT (adoptive) trying to keep their child from someone who thinks they are the parents of that child only based on they delivered the child.

Answer 5

I'm an AP and it wouldn't offend me at all.

Nicely written.

Answer 6

let me copy/paste and give you feedback, over email.

tish

Answer 7

Am I offended?  Not by what I read although I didn't get past the first part.  I'm sure it fits your situation, as you see it although in many of the situations I know of, including my own, the "struggle" was not between the bio parents and the adoptive parents but was between the bio parents and social services.  Either way, more power to ya.  What ever helps.  (Run it through your spell checker too before you post it in your blog)

Answer 8

What's to be offended about?  Parenting is a job.  It is your duty and responsibility to put the child over yourself and it is easily done many times throughout the day.  Putting their needs first doesn't stop just because it gets harder for the parent.  Maybe if you are offended it is because the truth hits a little too close to home.

I would love to know what prompted a letter like this on your end.  Are you an adoptee?  An AP involved in a custody battle of some sort?

Answer 9

Do I find it offensive: no

Answer 10

I think that is very respectful.  It wouldn't be offensive.  However, I think you may want to expand that one phrase in paretheses into a full sentence.  There are first parents who ARE a danger to the child trying to get the children back, and those adoptive parents really are looking out for the child's interest.  Maybe say, "No one wants to see any child put into a dangerous situation" or something like that.  

Just as one example.  Four years after her adoption (she was 6), my a-brother's n-sister's adoptive parents had to fight their biological parents to keep custody of her.  What made this even more ridiculous is that they weren't fighting for custody of any of the other kids - even though she was not the youngest child or the most recently relinquished.  The only child they wanted back out of the 7 they'd given up was the girl....  kinda makes you wonder why, right?  

However, I realize that my experience has biassed me when looking at first parents trying to reclaim children.  Not all first parents are like my brothers' biological parents.  I think you've also realized that you have a bias because of your own personal struggle.  It's good that you realize that not all adoptive parents are in it because they want a token child they can tote around.  

This letter is nice because it truly asks parents to only do what is right for the child, which is really what a parent is supposed to do.  Unfortunately, deciding what is right for any child is very difficult.  After all, children don't come out of cookie cutters, and the twists and turns of life only make things more difficult.  Good luck, I hope your child ends up with the best happy ending he/she can.

Answer 11

I wish my son had a 1st mother who loved him as much as you love your child.  I also don't know your total situation, however, I do respect first mothers and their decisions to not parent in many cases.  Others I do not respect, but sometimes believe that the children are better off adopted.  Other times, I believe that some kids just didn't have a chance in life, with either their bio or AP's.  I also believe in putting the children first.  I wish my son's first mom would have been open to visiting him, and seeing him rather than just leaving him without saying goodbye at the hospital, and only speaking if we happened to be in close quarters like our mutual friend's grandmother's funeral.  I don't understand it, and I don't like to be judged, because in my son's case, I know he's better off with us.

Answer 12

my honest opinion?

i wouldn't be offended because i wouldn't bother reading the whole thing.  you lost my interest less than half way through.  it rambles too much.

Answer 13

I am an adoptive parent and this would not offend me either, in fact I applaud you for writing it out and sharing your thoughts / views...that is what we are here for isn't it?

Answer 14

Hi Camira,

Not offensive at all.

Beautifully written and i absolutely agree with you:)