PAPs/APs what would you do if you were working with an expecting mother and they changed their mind before...?

Question

the final paperwork was signed? What if you invested TIME and MONEY into the process?

Answer 1

"I'm actually posting this to hopefully prove that no PAP/AP would want to coerce the mother to place the child through adoption even if they lost more than the idea of parenting that particular child."

-unfortunately, there are many who actually share tips on how to ensure a f-mom doesn't change her mind.  just take a stroll over to some infertility boards.  the tactics they will use are frightening!  so although i *believe* many aparents are ethical people and do not want to unfairly coerce, some are indeed quite single-minded and only want a baby...

Answer 2

We have have had a child home with us for about a month when the pfm changed her mind.  It hurt.  It was the pfm's right to change her mind.  We knew that all the way along.  When she took her daughter home we gave her everything that was given/bought for the little girl.  We knew the mother didn't have a lot of money and those things were bought for the baby anyways.  

We still miss her but adoption is not for everyone.  That is adoption.  The mother can change her mind and it is her right to do so.  A mothers rights come before any time or money invested on the aps side of things.

Answer 3

you're comparing time and money to a woman's flesh and blood?

Answer 4

The AP's walk away. At least in private adoption nothing is guaranteed to the AP's and all time and money is lost. The bmom has the right to change her mind. That's just the way it is.

eta: to be clear, money already paid for home study, travel (if necessary), and counseling.

Answer 5

One of the advantages of working with our agency, is if such a thing were to take place, we would still be placed back in the pool, no additional charges.

My feelings on the subject:  I would want to only adopt a child whose natural mom truly cannot care for them.  If she feels that what she is doing is in the best interest of the child, then this was just not meant to happen.  

Would I be disappointed?  Absolutely...but the best interest of the child must be the hgihest priority, not mine.

Answer 6

I am an AP who is experiencing this in a different way. I am taking care of a 16 yo who is pregnant. She was set up with us because her parents wanted her to go away 10 hours to a maternity home and we talked them into letting her stay with us. She is exploring parenting on her own, parenting in her parent's household, or adoption.

It's my personal opinion that adoption would be best in this situation, but I am staying unbiased in the whole thing. Every AP should have to experience what I am going through to get a better perspective of what these moms go through. I have to be there for this girl every day as she continually cries at the thought of giving up her baby. I have to be there every time she gets off the phone with her emotionally abusive mom who tells her what a selfish person she is for even thinking about parenting. I had to be there when she met a PAP for the first time and was completely skeptical of everything they had to say because they were trying to "take" this sweet girl's baby.

Like I said, I think adoption is best in this situation, but, if she can find some way to parent that will not put this child in an abusive situation, I will celebrate with her.

I'm spending a lot of time and money on this sweet girl and am getting nothing personally out of the situation, but it's well worth it. Time and Money should have nothing to do with this. That's called guilt and just like I've told this sweet girl time and time again, nobody should be guilted into giving up their baby. Guilt should have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with adoption! That's a recipe for a lot of pain and suffering on both sides of the fence.

You have no idea the suffering these moms go through. Every AP should have to experience this. It's heart wrenching to watch the possibility of a mom losing her child. It will give you a hole new perspective and respect for moms who consider adoption. You would also understand why they change their minds as well.

ETA: The pain an AP goes through when an adoption falls through is nothing compared to the pain first moms feel when they give up their child. An AP will grieve but also move on to a new child. First moms experience the loss forever.

Answer 7

There is nothing I can do that is the risk we take when going through adoption. Most american adoption is that way even foster. you recieve a child in foster care or if you go through a private agency the birth mom chooses you before the baby arrives. in foster care the goverment can decide not to terminate the parental rights and the child be returned to its parents or in a adoption the mother can change her mind. So we go into it know this can happened or at least we are going into it this way. For this reason I will not work with out an agency because if a birth mom decides not to go through with it and to parent I don't loose all my money most of it is applied to next adoption. I think id its happened I will be both sad and happy sad that I lost this baby but happy that mother and child have decided to stay together. Its not easy but its the only choice we have since we can not have children and I don't want the revolving door of foster care. I could not handle parenting for a short while then having the child removed from my home.

Answer 8

Would I be sad?  Yes - just as I would be upset that I lost a pregnancy.  However, would I prefer that the bio parents change their mind before the child is placed with me and the final paperwork is signed?  Yes, even if I had invested time and money into the process.  With adoption, there are no guarantees.  A bio family could change their mind; the b-mom could miscarry, etc.  APs know this.  Adoption is an unknown.  We looked at it in the terms of pregnancy.  For the most part, you don't know what is going to happen with a pregnancy nor do you with adoption.  It's just life.

Answer 9

Honestly if I were put in that position I would be very hurt. I would also hope that my intentions were true enough that the mother would want to continue our friendship. I don't see children as belonging to anyone and I am completely unable to make friends and then ditch them if they make a choice that causes me grief. My emotions are mine to own, I could choose to be angry and get bent out of shape or I could choose to value a bond I had with another person and be pleased I was able to help someone in their time of need.

I would also take is as a lesson learned. Don't pay for the goods until they are in your hands.

Answer 10

Well, surely I would be horribly disappinted and extremely sad.  I  would probably also feel taken advantage of and like something was "stolen" from me.  Of course those feeling are completely unfair, as the mother has every right to parent her child.  That is why I would never take part in pre-birth matching.

Answer 11

We did not adopt a new born--our children were siblings waiting in Foster Care. Our daughter was 5 yrs old and our son was 1 yr old.

I didn't need to think about our children's mother "changing" her ming---but, I did want to be sure that everything possible had been done to keep the children with their mother. I wanted to be sure she had been given support, and assistance to keep her children.

I also wanted to meet her and talk to her... to be sure I felt right in my heart that it would be my role to be their growing up mommy.....

I am very sure in my heart that I would not take a baby or child that had a mother willing to do her best to meet their needs. I can't imagine myself keeping a baby that was not willingly placed into my care.... I don't really think time or money has much to do with my feelings since I don't have to worry much about either.....

I would always want to support a mother before taking her child. I would also want to support a father if he had interest. My little brother was the single father of three children when his wife went nuts and left him with all three of their children...It was very hard and he needed a lot of support--but, it was the best for everyone involved...  

I think that only children who have no other options...No relatives able or willing--and parents who either make the choice on their own--or are unable to meet the needs of their children should have children who are adopted.

Answer 12

honestly, I'd probably be somewhat devistated

but I'd realize that is the bmother's RIGHT, and that she is the one who has a "right" to her child.. I don't have  "right" to that child unless SHE chooses to give the child to my care..

Anyway, yes, devastated, but I'd try to find a way to deal with it.. the only reason I'd "fight it" is if the mother was REALLY unfit (in prison, substanse abuse problem, abuse problem, etc)  but the "state" should hopefully take care of those situations anyway.

as for money.. I suppose I might check into seeing what can be done about reimbursement or whatever, but if it "doesn't work that way"  I will accept that as well as I (hopefully) knew going in that this could happen...

Sorry, it's early, so my sentences probably don't make alot of sense LOL..

Answer 13

I would hope I'd understand.  I know i'd try to, but i hope i really could.  As an educated AP or PAP i would have done my research, i would know and understand that deciding to parent is that woman's right and i would hope my heart would follow my mind.

As for the time and money.  That's my own fault.  And as i've stated before I do not equate my child with a dollar amount, so i can't say it would be that big of an issue.

Answer 14

Well, certainly I would be devestated and depressed, I mean, who wouldn't be?  This is why I'm just very leery about putting money toward expenses for an expectant mother.  Once money enters the picture, the situation changes.  

But no, I wouldn't be calling the mother and asking her to reconsider or anything like that.  I'd probably take the time to grieve before resubmitting my profile for consideration by other expectant mothers.

ETA: Generally, fees like homestudy costs, agency fees, etc will still be valid.  Unless the homestudy expires, the PAPs do not have to re-submit those.  Check with agency policy first, of course!

Answer 15

I would not put myself in that situation, but I guess if I did I would say that I put the cart before the horse.  I would only adopt a child legally free for adoption, i would not even have a child placed in front of me that was not, I know the hurt and heartache that could come.

Answer 16

I had that situation happen to me.  We were matched with a girl that lived in Washington and we live in California.  Everything was going well. She already had a 2 year old and could barely afford him. The father of the unborn child broke up with her and wanted nothing to do with the baby and did not even have a job to help support them.    

She was over due and the doctor told her they would have to induce, so we all agreed that it would be best that we flew up to Washington to be there during the birth.  Well the doctors changed their minds and decided to wait.  We were in Washington for 3 weeks before the baby was born.  The baby  was born and we were in the hospital taking care of her for 3 days.  The morning we were supposed to pick the baby up and take her home, the birth mother changed her mind.  It was hard on us but we always knew there was a chance of this happening.  Sadly this birth mother gave her 2 year old away in order to keep the baby.  

The hospital that the baby was born was one of those catholic religious hospitals and the nuns and counselors put a lot of pressure on her to keep the baby.  They truely believe that only a birth mother is capable of caring for a child.

I think the most sad part to me is that she gave away her 2 year old in order to keep this baby.  Talk about separation issues.

Answer 17

There's just not much you can do.  The law is on her side, to begin with, and that was clearly explained before you sank one penny into her pregnancy.  Secondly, I'd put myself in her shoes, and realize that if I was holding a precious little life I had carried for 9 months, there would be no way I could hand it over.  I had a young friend, 16-years-old, who did just that.  She planned on giving the baby up for adoption, because it was "the right" thing to do.  At the last minute, there was just no way on earth to do that.  Thankfully her parents were supportive of her decision, and all went well.

Answer 18

This is the PRIMARY reason there should not be pre-birth matching. Woman change their mind all the time....it is a risk....but not the end of the world. Why would I be sad for a mom who wants to parent? That is where the money issue comes in! Emotions are always heightened when money is involved.

Now as far as investing time....what time? Time talking to the natural mom? Sheeesh. Maybe she needed a friend or someone to talk to. Showing compassion to another human being should never be considered time wasted.....but rather TIME INVESTED!!!

And if the people has ANY decency they would call on her from time to time to see how she and the baby are doing. Isn't this what being a Christian (or any religion) is all about???