PAPs and APs: do you think you have good books?

Question

Okay, so I'm in a bookstore with my 3 y.o. son. I sit in the children's section in a comfy chair. He looks at 'Corduroy', I look around.

Across from me is the adoption section. I don't look at the books targeted at parents. I picked up this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Adoption-Answer-Brette-McWhorter-Sember/dp/1572486074/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205951290&sr=8-1

I couldn't believe what c**p it was--really awful. Not only did the author believe in adoption parties, but having a plaques engraved to hang up in the home to 'commemorate' the adoption. It was sad and shocking to me that in 2008, parents of adopted children are stuck with this drivel, and IMO, potentially emotionally harmful 'advice'.

I wondered 'Who is this woman?' The author was an attorney! Not an adoptee, therapist, or an AP! So I'm wondering, you all have seen a lot more books aimed at parents than I have...are there any good ones? Is there a need for a book written by adoptees for parents?

Answer 1

I don't have ANY books, but would like to get some. I asked for some suggestions & no one really gave me any. Any that you would suggest?

Answer 2

You're right that there are a lot of c**p books out there.  Here are a few aimed at adoptive parents that I've found helpful.

Raising Adopted Children by Lois Melina.  This is the only decent comprehensive adoption issues book for parents that I've found.  It doesn't get extremely in depth into any issues, but it does a better job  at giving an overview than any other book I've seen.  I think it's a good one for starting out learning about adoption issues.

Talking With Young Children About Adoption by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher.  The authors give their advice in the first half of the book, but I didn't really find anything insightful in that part.  The second half of the book was accounts written by adoptive parents about their evolving adoption discussions and issues with their children.  It really gave me insight into the different things different kids are dealing with and concerned about at different ages - their individuality and the common themes.

For international adoption, MUST READS by Sheri Register:  Are Those Kids Yours? (She considers this question seriously and addresses the way that internationally adopted kids are NOT ours) and Beyond Good Intentions.

eta:  missed answering the final part of your question.  Yes, I think it would be very valuable for adoptive parents to have books written by adoptees geared toward parenting adopted children.  I also think that pap education should include books not just about parenting but about the experience of being an adoptee - books like Journey of the Adopted Self and The Primal Wound.

Answer 3

I liked Inside Transracial Adoption and In Their Own Voices.

Answer 4

During our homestudy they made us read a lot of books that I thought were pretty worthless. All were written by social workers or adoptive parents, and were from those points of view.

On my own, I searched for and bought books that were written by adoptees.  I thought that would give me much better insight into what issues my child might have & how he/she'd want me to handle them.  There are a few good ones out there, but there really is a need for more.

Answer 5

my mom's favorite was "The Grapes of Adoptees Wrath,"

by Stienbeck, look it up.

Answer 6

One person's trash is another's treasure?

Any idiot can peddle a book.

Answer 7

There are not that many books that don't have some kind of "What?" in them for me....

I do like the book "The 20 Things I wish My Adoptive Parents Knew"

Other then that most, I pick and choose from and find a few things that are logical--the rest of most books is a bunch of junk or slanted to support something--or an idea....

There are a FEW books for our children I think are good...but, again most make it out that an adopted child is a poor pitiful .... sad child.... My daughter is in an Acting group... Spring Show= Annie Fall Show= Oliver....   :(

Answer 8

I think there are some decent ones out there - but honestly most of the "helpful" books I've read have been from the perspective of the adoptee.  The three that come to mind are Black Baby White Hands: A View from the Crib and In Their Own Voices, and Twenty Things. (Haven't read In Their Parent's Voices yet, but it's on my list).(Also, at this point I'm mostly looking at transracial adoption books)

Oh, I can't stand that one "Adoption is a Family Affair" - sooo condescending.  They want you to buy a bunch of copies and give them to everyone in your family.  I'm NOT giving my family something that #1 - talks to them like they are idiots and #2 - tells them to support us financially.

The two horribly titled books (well, I guess it depends on which side of the issue you fall on, LOL)  Adoption for Dummies and the Idiot's Guide to Adoption were good, broad and basic starting points.  They work to get a general understanding of the differences between all types of adoption and an idea of the process.

If it makes you feel better, I don't know of any who has ever recommended the book you mentioned - and, believe me, I've searched and asked and read as much as I could.  I've seen it, looked at it, passed it over.  I don't know of any APs that have references it, either.

All-in-all, I don't think the book has been written yet that tells APs about adoption realistically, or brings up any of the controversial aspects that they really, really should know about.  Our agencies aren't going to tell us, so unless we do our own research beyond "what happens in a homestudy" - we just wouldn't know.

I've been talking to my best friend about writing my own, actually.  I thought that would be something worthwhile to do while I wait ...

I think that more books written about the process from the adoptee perspective would be great.

Answer 9

Sunny,

That's why i'm here.  The only book that didn't repulse me when i read it was "20 things adopted kids wished their adoptive parents knew".  I must state that i gave up.  So i would love to hear if there are newer books that are good.

There is a huge need for a book written by adoptees for parents!  Children's books for adopted children are a little better but not by much.

Answer 10

The one that comes to mind right away is:

http://www.amazon.com/Twenty-Things-Adop...

It was written by an adoptee, for Adoptive Parents.  I think as a general rule though, there is a need for good information, and I haven't found the be all end all source yet.

Answer 11

I haven't (so far) read any books aimed at young adoptees.  I'm at work, so I'll do my best to name the books I have read off the top of my head:

Twenty Things Adoptees Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

Helping Children Cope With Separation And Loss

Oh great, now I'm drawing a blank.  But I've read some really bad ones, too.  Like this one where this couple adopted 19 children.  They advocate spanking and other forms of abuse, telling your children to be grateful, and all kinds of other c**p.  I didn't even get to chapter 3 because I wanted to find them and...well, anyway.

Then I found another one, I think it's called when friends ask about adoption.  I didn't like that one, either, because it was aimed entirely at infant adoption, and I really didn't like a lot of what they said AP's should say to people.  I haven't read it in a long time, so I don't remember specifics.

Last one: Adoption Is A Family Affair.  I didn't like this one, either.  I don't know about anyone else, but for ME, adoption is NOT a family affair.  My family is pretty crappy, and I don't plan to allow them to do the same things to my kids that they've done to me, to my sisters kids, and to my brother's kids.  My husband's family are great...but they have no clue what is appropriate.  So, I disagree with the adoption is a family affair thing.  

Anyway, YES, I think there should be MANY, MANY books written by adoptees!!!  If you write it, I'm buying!

ETA:  I suppose I ought to answer the question.  I think there are some good books out there, but there could be better ones.  And I think we ought to get together a huge book burning for those crappy ones I mentioned, and quite a few others.

Answer 12

Hmmm... interesting..

I'm sure there are some decent books, and alot of crud, out there.. I haven't gone as far yet as reading books on adoption, I'm sure I'll start soon (adoption is still a ways off for me)..just that my life is unfortunately too busy for alot of reading right now (I've got to take charge of a few things in my life, like my health, before being ready to adopt..)  it's too bad, because I love reading..

On the bright side, I got 50$ worth of bookstore gift certificates for my b-day.. so.. I'm open to suggestions!!!