PLEASE, CAN YOU READ MY STORY? ?

Question

this is an assignment

and you can tell me if its bad, but pls if you say its bad can you tell me what i can fix or whats bad about it? :) thanks.

the story is about a family moving to another town, and before they leave, their dog runs away. a guy finds it, then yeah the girl and guy meet, and romance starts. lol.

pls tell me where my run on sentences are, argh, i always use them :(

oh and sorry if its on a fast pace, the story is only 1-2 pages. so yep

here it goes:

“Let’s go!” my sister, Patricia shouted. I rushed my way down the stairs, checked that everything was with me then shut the door. My parents, Jack, my younger brother, and Patricia were waiting for me outside. I took a deep breath as we all looked at the old brown roofed, yellow bricked house we’ve lived in for all our lives. Before I could stop myself, wet, salty tears came flooding down my eyes. My family and I just stood there for a few minutes, when suddenly there was a loud bark. It was our dog, Oscar. He came running to me and started l*****g my face, and I could see it in his eyes he didn’t want to leave either.

“Aw, Oscar, come on, boy.” I whispered as I pulled him closer to me.

Then it all happened in a matter of seconds.

I couldn’t believe it. Oscar was gone. He had run away.

We were already in the car, on our way to our new house, to a new town. Houses, buildings, cars blurred past me as I looked out the window, thinking. Where did Oscar go? Why’d he run away? Will we ever see him again? Without realising, fresh tears started their way down my face again, and I couldn’t help it.

“Beatrice? Are you okay, darling?” My mother said.

“I’ll be fine.” I replied with a smile.

“We’re going to get him back, trust me.” My father promised.

I really hope so, I sa

Answer 1

cool

Answer 2

Hi,

You write beautifully. The story is good and the way you cut it is good... apart from the crucial nexus. The dog disappears and nobody runs after him? Nobody at least tries to?

This is not credible.

And if you are moving home, presumably to somewhere that is not just around the corner, how can you assume that you will get him back so nonchalantly?

This is the only issue I have with your story.

I repeat that you write very well. My suggestion is to rethink that crucial passage.

Well done so far and the very best of luck with this project.

Answer 3

You have within you the power to be a very good writer.

First, with only a few exceptions, your sentence structure and grammar are good. The sentences you write are clear and avoid the sort of plodding syntax so often seen in the work of young writers.

Second your fear of "run on" sentences is, at least in this reading, unfounded. There is not a single sentence Eye see that runs on, and this is a criticism I often level at my own writing. (I must tell you here that sometimes I write very long sentences, segmented by commas, that I must break apart on editing)

Now, as you say, your story is very fast-paced---so fast that the transition between pulling Oscar close and his then being gone is quite abrupt, leaving your readers scratching their heads. As this seems to be a school assignment, you may have a word-count limit or are simply pressed for time. Either way, take a breath and think of ways to flesh out this story. Perhaps in the busy jumble of loading up the car Oscar goes missing. It would only take a line or two between pulling Oscar close and his having come up missing to better show the effect of a missing dog on a family already frazzled by the Big Move.

On a minor note: 'wet...tears' is a redundancy---of course they are wet. Also, tears come flooding FROM your eyes or down your FACE.

All in all, a great effort! Here's hoping your assignment spurs you to continue writing.

Answer 4

heya, your writing has very good potential. It is well written but does need a few adjustments. Try this...

“Come on, let’s go!” my sister, Patricia shouted.

I rushed my way down the stairs, checked that I had everything with me, then shut the door. My parents, my younger brother Jack, and Patricia were waiting for me outside. I took a deep breath as we all looked at the old, yellow bricked house we’ve lived in for all our lives. Before I could stop myself, my face was wet with tears of sadness as I thought of all the memories the house held. We all just stood there for a few minutes, staring sadly at our old home. Suddenly there was a loud bark.Our dog, Oscar came running to me and started l*****g my face,  I could see  in his eyes he didn’t want to leave either.

“Aw, Oscar, come on, boy.” I whispered as I pulled him closer to me.

The next few seconds happened so suddenly that I couldn't even take in what was happening. One minute Oscar was there, the next he was escaping with full speed around the corner of the street.

I couldn’t believe it. Oscar was gone. He had run away.

I tried to catch him, we all did. But we were simply too late, Oscar had gotten out of sight and we didn't have any idea in which direction he had gone. Now we were in the car, on our way to our new house, to a new town. A town Oscar wouldn't be in. Houses, buildings, cars blurred past me as I looked out the window, thinking. Where had Oscar gone? Why’d he run away? Would we ever see him again? Without realising, fresh tears welled up in my eyes and spilled over and down my face, I couldn't help it.  

“Beatrice? Are you okay, darling?” My mother asked, looking at me, her eyes full of concern.

“I’ll be fine.” I replied with a forced smile.

“We’re going to get him back, trust me.” My father promised.

I really hope so, I thought, then looked out the window again. Soon I fell into a sleep filled my dreams of my missing dog, Oscar.

.........................................

Ok, thats just an idea, you don't have to use it. I like your writing and plot idea!

Answer 5

I agree with Margherita.Your story starts well enough and manages to generate interest within the first few lines and the language is good too.

But as soon as I read the second para I was like "WHAT???".

I mean the dog ran away and everyone just continued on their way to the new house in a new town???As if nothing had happened?It sounds as if the dog started running and everyone just got into the car and watched him run and then you alone started crying that he had run away.

You could probably eliminate a few sentences or words in other places and add a lil more detail to this aspect.More than anything,a story has to be believable even if its fiction to hold the readers interest.