PLEASE! Advise me on how to talk to my roommate about this? I am very non confrontational...?

Question

So, I just started grad school, &when I started I signed up for a 1 bedroom campus apartment. Unfortunately, I was placed in a 2 bedroom with another graduate student, because that was all they have left. The person is fine, and we get along; however, the problem is that her boyfriend is ALWAYS there. I'm not sure if he works or not, & that's not my business, but I point that out because as I said, he's always there. He is always in the kitchen, or doing laundry, or in the dining room blasting music. I don't have a problem with her boyfriend, I am just bothered by the fact that he's always there, & I don't feel comfortable in my own apartment. Sometimes, I feel trapped in my bedroom. On top of that, I am not even sure if he has somewhere to live. I went to the kitchen this morning, and when I looked in the living room, I saw a huge stack of his clothing there on hangers. It looks like he may be moving in! I don't know what to do...i'm so worried about this.Should I just move?

Answer 1

I know someone is going to say to sit down and talk with her about it.

But I've got the feeling that she isn't really concerned that she may be making you feel uncomfortable.

Actually, she's probably well aware of the fact.

If I were your roommate, I would make sure that you felt comfortable before I let him in the door.

As a graduate student, you have enough stress. You shouldn't have to worry about feeling weird in your own home.

I'd suggest that you just start looking for another place.

Maybe you could get an apartment somewhere and put an ad out for a roommate.

That way, you could establish the rules for your new apartment without being considered "difficult".

Answer 2

You pay just as much rent as she does, so you have just as much right to enjoy that plae as she does.  She may even think that you're totally fine with the whole thing because you've never said anything.  I think you should just sit down with her (just her, not him) and tell her your concerns in a calm, open way.  Now if she refuses to do anything about it, or starts giving you trouble, can't you report this to the housing department at the school?  I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to have people hanging around that much in campus apartments.  I wouldn't seriously think about moving, though, until I'd spoken to her and seen her thinking on the matter.

Answer 3

You must learn to get confrontational or people will walk all over you as she and her boyfriend are doing. You are not the bad roommate, she is. You should report her to campus housing. It is she who should either move or get her act together, not you. That is an outrageous amount of rent to pay for just a one-room existence. Get some backbone! Or else you deserve the deprived existence you are tolerating. Just tell her you won't tolerate it any more. And report her.

Answer 4

Tell your roommate that if there is going to be a third party living there full time then you think it is only fair for the rent to be split 3 ways. If the third party can't do this then I think you need to tell your roommate that he can't be there 24 hours a day unless he wants to play rent. Tell the roommate that you need some privacy. After all it is your home.

Answer 5

Your looking for a non confrontational method to deal with this? How about asking her if she could spend a couple of nights a week at his place so you can study and take care of your own laundry and stuff. If you find out that he doesn't have a place to live, then offer to help him find one. If he seems set on living at your place, get your campus housing involved.

Feeling trapped is no way to live, and the stress from it will affect your studies. Make a positive effort, and try to speak with your housemate in a light tone on neutral ground (coffee shop or bookstore) while the boyfriend isn't there.

Good luck

Answer 6

I agree with one of the previous answerers - tell her that if there is going to be 3 people living here (as it seems there already is) then the rent should be split 3 ways. Just find a good time to talk to her, maybe when she is not in the same room as her bf, or even ask her to come to your room for a second b/c you have to ask about something. Then say, "listen, I don't want to make things uncomfortable between us but I need to bring this up because it has been bothering me. It seems like your boyfriend is always, always here and that makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I don't have any personal space or private time to myself, and this is my apartment too. I'm hoping we can come up with some kind of compromise because this really isn't working out for me. Either he needs to go somewhere else part of the time and not always be here, or we need to split the rent 3 ways because this is not working for me as it is."

Just get up the nerve to say this to her, because she needs to hear it not just for your sake but for hers too, because she obviously does not realize how rude she is being.

Answer 7

The first thing I would do is ask about his living arrangements. Maybe he is in between apartments and just needs somewhere to stay for a few days. After you find out more about the situation you might try to push for him to be around less often or you may decide to find a new place.

Answer 8

You shouldnt be worried about what others think or say about you If you did that You would never live or be happy I would try to open up and communicate with her Find out what the situation is with him Tell her nicely that it isnt working for you and if he can try not spending as much time over there or if thats not an option Then you can either talk to him or have her talk to him about not blasting the music when youre there Not having his friends over when youre there or whatever youd be comfortable with Or if  none of those is an option Then you should start looking for another place to live Because you should be comfortable in your home Not tiptoeing around because youre afraid to deal with the situation Theres always a way to deal with a problem without being confrontational I wish you the best I hope everything works out for you

Answer 9

Talk to the person who runs the apartments.  Maybe there is a clause in the contract that states that only students may live in the unit.  Tell the person that it seems as though her b/f is moving in, is always there, is loud and distracting, and that he makes you feel "trapped" in your room.  Perhaps they can help the situation without you having to say something to your roomie.  She should, however, respect you as her housemate and let you know what is going on and ask her b/f to be a bit more considerate.  It's your apartment, too - not some flop house for the boys to party at...

Answer 10

you r not gona get bad reputation because she is the one who brought her boyfr over without asking u, u should talk to whoever is in charge of aprtmnts, im sure the will not like somebody living there without noticing them and not paying rent, plus if u dont agree. they live in your place as well, he has to respect, or he thinks its onlyhis girlfr apt? or what? u should talk to some school officials.

Answer 11

It doesn't seem worth confronting the room mate about.  My guess is that it's her choice to have him there, and she gives no consideration to you as a room mate.  If it's on campus, I'd contact campus housing. Explain the situation THOROUGHLY.  I think they need to know.  In the meantime, you need to find another place. That's a horrible situation.  Hopefully there's another place for you to go.  I would ask housing, if possible, to allow you to move out first before they take any sort of action.  I'm sure the boyfriend situation isn't allowed.  Good Luck.