PLEASE HELP! PLEASE, my writing?

Question

I need to write an essay/letter for my new honors language arts teacher, and I really want to make a good impression. Please, I have really choppy writing and I hate it! So could you please tell me where it's choppy and give me suggestions to fix it? If its bad could you tell me, if its fast or just overall unprofessional, and not friendly enough to be a letter, please let me know and give me suggestions to fix it! PLease!

Dear Mr. Pung,

My name’s Kim and I would like to give you a little idea of who I am. I’m your average thirteen-year-old I suppose, interested in reading, writing, politics, and meaningful music. By meaningful I mean with lyrics that break the mold of the music most kids my age appreciate, the kind where if their parents listened, they would most likely shake their heads in disappointment. That concept also applies to my reading interests. Books with no compelling plot bore me, while books that surprise me keep me awake, and also do wonders for my own writing, as they endlessly inspire me. As for my interest in politics, I would rather not discuss it in this letter, for I doubt you want ten pages of my ranting on your desk.

Another thing about me is that I’m a very goal oriented person. Of course, straight A’s is kind of the goal most students have, and I’m usually very eager towards it. I figure, in most cases, optimism and encouragement from good teachers seems to be the key. I also hope to excel at the sport which requires my intense dedication—Tae Kwan Doe. I hope to become a black belt in a few short months.

For high school, I plan to load up on classes the first couple of years so I can be lazy as a senior, even though I know that that is easier said than done. I also want to be a part of the youth and government program, because of my interest in all sides of politics, even though life as a politician is the farthest thing from my mind. In fact, I don’t really have an ultimate dream for my future yet, besides the hope that I’ll be successful. And that’s okay. Most likely my goals and dreams for my future will change dramatically as time goes by, so I figure I’ll let my experiences and future interests shape my decision.

In conclusion, I figure I’m a pretty well-balanced person with my goals of academic excellence and for my commitment with Tae Kwan Doe. I’m interested in who I do end up becoming as an adult, what with my ever-changing interests, and/or obsessions, and the fact that I know by watching my parents that goals truly do make you successful in life.

Answer 1

tralalala

Answer 2

I think that your essay is pretty amazing for a thirteen year old. The vocabulary and phrasing you used was really nice. And I'm no expert, but I'm sure your teacher will be impressed!

Remember:

I'm no expert, but this is what I would do with it:

I'm not sure if I'm missing any mistakes, but it looks pretty good to me. I think that instead of saying, "my name's" I think that you should say "my name is." And I'm not sure if you left it out on purpose for safety on the internet or not, but maybe you should put your last name in there when introducing yourself, too.

You're probably correct when you say, "I’m your average thirteen-year-old I suppose..." but I feel as though you could put a comma between 'old' and 'I suppose' because when I read it, I pause there. (But again, I might be wrong, and sorry if I am.)

You could probably space out your paragraphs and indent at each new one. (Hit the TAB key)

I suggest that you close your letter with something like, "I look forward to meeting you, Mr. Pung." -Kim. Or something along those lines. Maybe you could extend it or make it your own in some way. (I'm not sure if that's too kiss up-ish, though.)

All in all, I think you did a pretty good job. You had a strong topic for each paragraph that was well explained, you had a nice introduction and closer, and you seemed very friendly for a friendly letter. I think that, considering that this project was not supposed to be your average school essay, you did a really good job. You seem like a pretty smart kidd. If your teacher isn't satisfied with this, he must be crazy. hehe

Hope I helped and gooood luck ;)

~Emily~

Answer 3

I liked the first part then it became... normal. Being goal oriented is okay but let me tell you that the journey is more important then the goal. The journey is the key.

I wanted to hear these political views you're talking about. I'm a politics CNN junkie myself so state some views. Give some opinions!!

That grade thing is c**p and the "good teachers" part is sucking up.

Why did you pick Tae Kwan Doe? More details less random.

It doesn't flow but it has potential. Rewrite it.  

Answer 4

Your writing is quite articulate for a thirteen year old.

My suggestions:

1.  White space.  Your letter looks like one gigantic paragraph and is hard on the eyes.  Put spaces between paragraphs.

2.  Paragraphs.  Each idea or thought should have its own paragraph.  You have several  different thoughts crammed into one paragraph.  You need to separate them.

3.  Refrain from using colloquialism.

Also this sentence is confusing:

"By meaningful I mean with lyrics that break the mold of the music most kids my age appreciate, the kind where if their parents listened, they would most likely shake their heads in disappointment."

What are you trying to say with it?

Other than that, I would say it's quite good.  I don't find it choppy at all.