PLEASE HELP!! gf problems she has been treated bad in the past?

Question

quick history of my girlfriend:

1) i LOVE her to death

2) she is 17 (im 18)

3) she attends a college about an hour away

4) we have been going out for almost 4 months (used to hang out every day)

HER PAST ISSUES

5) 2 of he past boyfriends have cheated on her

6) Worst of all she was raped when she was only 13 years old!

i understand that she finds it really hard to trust guys but i am really a very nice guy, much different than all her past bfs. she even told me that she doesn't trust men and i thought that in time that she could learn to trust me to the point that she could open herself completely and let her feelings out but she seems so reserved. i used to ask her to let me in on her feelings and she just wouldn't so i just let it go. its been a a month or 2 and she still hasnt tried to talk to me. i know that it is not very healthy to keep your emotions bottled up like that and i desperately want to help. im thinking that when she told me about her rape incident that i unknowingly offended her or said something wrong, i think that whatever i have said when she told me about the rape seemed to have discouraged her to talk about it anymore. (she has not wanted to talk about it ever again) but i tried to be as supportive as possible. if you have tips for my situation or just comments please let me know. (but please keep them nice/positive if u can)

Thank you all very very much. i value every ones input

BTW: if you happen to be some sort of doc. or psychiatrist then please read my other question

Answer 1

just be patient and wait. when she is more comfortable with you and trusts you more she'll be able to open up to you more. in the mean time try to put yourself in her shoes.

Answer 2

Well, I'm going to answer you, but you aren't going to like it. Neither will some others.

Your girlfriend is stuck in the victim mentality. She hasn't managed to seperate herself from the men who did her wrong (the man who raped her as well as the men who cheated on her). I think that she's been choosing relationships based upon her vision of men as a creature that exists only to hurt her in that she chooses men that fit her stereotype so she doesn't have to work on changing it. If she DOES choose someone who is actually a nice guy (like you), she'll do everything she can in order to distance herself & turn them into a "monster".

Since you don't live close to her, there's not a lot that you can do over the internet. It may be that she chose to get into a relationship with you since you are long distance & therefore "safe" since you are not close enough to threaten her. You are trying to get her to open up, talk about herself & her issues, & she's not responding well to it. Her ignoring you is her way of self defense. By her confiding to you, you have crossed the boundary between "safe" & "unsafe", in that you are not an "anonymous" person that she has no real daily day to day interaction with (like walking together, holding hands, ect).  As long as she continues to push people away, it's going to be very difficult for her to learn how to deal with her past. The longer she waits to get over her past, the harder it's going to become. Trust me on this- I know someone who is in a similar situation to her.

The best thing for you to do right now is to try to talk to her. Let her know that no matter what, you will always be her friend. Make sure that you tell her that you are not the men who have hurt her. You never have been & you never will be, so she should stop constantly comparing you to them. You shouldn't have to live with the ghosts of her past rape & relationships. I would also try to see her more (in person) as much as possible. Only talking to you over the phone or internet isn't really going to do much to influence her. It's too easy to depersonalize someone over the internet (which is why many LDR don't work).

If it isn't working, then it may be better to end it now & stay friends until she is ready for a relationship. Pressuring her (even if you don't mean to or know that you are) is only going to make things worse & make it more likely that she'll turn you into a "monster" in her mind.

In the end, her healing is dependent upon one person & one person only: HER. If she wants to continuously live in the past, then no one (not even you) is going to change that. She needs to want to take that first real step & move out of the darkness she is currently living in. I personally think that right now she doesn't need to be in a relationship. I think that she has a lot of soul searching & therapy to do, & she needs a strong friend more than she needs a boyfriend.

EDIT:

BTW, I'm not blaming her for how she is right now. It takes people a long time to get over things & to take that first step. It sounds like she just hasn't gotten that far just yet. Maybe if you guys lived closer it would be a little diffrent, but this is going to be very hard since you are so far away from each other.

Answer 3

Do everything you can to show your not like other guys. Telling her your not will not work. It will take a LONG time for you to get the trust you want from her. Let her know that you are there for her whenever she needs you NO MATTER WHAT. If she ever makes an effort to talk to you about this stuff it doesn't matter who your with what your doing. Go and be there for her. I have been through what your going through. My fiance was molested for a year by her mothers boyfriend. It takes a lot of time to get her to talk to you. You juts have to be supportive. The key to supportive tho is that you are there to support her. You don't go looking to talk about and you don't push at it. You just let her know she can talk to you about anything. Do things that are very romantic and special for her as much as you can and don't try to have s*x with her. Don't make her think that is all your after. Just be the "very nice guy" that you are. Do things for her just because its Wednesday. What I mean by that is. Don't expect anything in return. Let her know shes loved and show her shes loved.

It's a really hard thing to get through and truthfully my fiance and I still have some problems that we are dealing with because of her molestation. (i met her during the time period she was being molested and we started dating about 2 weeks after it stopped so it was a bit weird for me). Obviously we made it. Were getting married. Just don't push the s*x topic and treat her the way she should be treated. With respect and love!

I hope I helped but I really don't know if I did.

Answer 4

My reply will be long but it should help. I'll tell you my background first so maybe you'll see the validity to my argument more. I've been abused physically and emotionally ever since I was born. I was touched sexually when I was very young and at 17, I started going through very abusive relationships and didn't get out till the day I turned 19. I'm currently in a relationship and it's been about half a year since we first started dating. I'm still 19 btw and yes, I know what your gf's going through. It's very hard to trust and she's going through a lot of insecurities. Today, my boyfriend found oit that I was crying my eyes out by myself at night b/c of those insecurities.

IT TOOK A LOT OUT OF ME TO TELL HIM EVEN ANYTHING and this is how I was encouraged so you should try the same on your girlfriend. Tell her that you do NOT expect to understand her pain. I'm sorry, but I hate it when a guy tries to tell me he understands when he doesn't have a clue. It makes me not want to tell. Tell her that all you want is to release the burden of her memories and that it's important to you that she opens up to you at least slowly. Tell her you don't mean to pressure her extremely but you really need the relationship to be communicative in order for the relationship to be healthy. Tell her it hurts you that she's not telling you and that if she never gives you a chance to prove to her that you're trustworthy, then she'll never gain any trust period so she has to start somewhere. Remind her that you haven't let her down and that you'll always protect her...that as long as ur around, none of those things will ever happen again..that you'll do anything and everything for her. Tell her...it's okay to cry when she talks about it...sometimes...we don't know that it's okay to cry...

Oh and I've also seen many psychologists and therapists so yah. :)

Answer 5

Honestly, it might just be too soon for her to open up about that. I was molested as a child and it took me 3 years after I was married to explain the situation in full to my husband.

You guys have only been dating a few months, and the fact that you can show her that your there for her if she wants to talk, but that your willing to give her space will be a big brownie point for you.

Ask yourself this too, I know that we all have a morbid curiosity to know things. Could it just be your curious about what happened and so your digging? If not, than give her a chance to come to you. It will happen, but not until she is ready.

Good luck!

Guardianofthemoon

Answer 6

the best thing you can do is give her enough space but not to much just enough so she knows youll always be there and are there, write to her and tell her you love her, suprise her and show her life shes never seen, she will have issues and hopefully she will gain and has already gained psychology help,