PLEASE RATE MY STORY!! Please rate. Do not mind criticising! not finished?

Question

Please rate and tell me what you think.. this is by eleven year old girl! Not finished:

Natalie pulled on her sneakers and tied her apron around her waist. Another boring day of work at “Joe’s Snack Bar”.

She pulled her rusted blue bike out of the shed and called out as she started to pedal away down the road, “Mum, I’m going to work!”

“Ok, darl! Have fun; try not to cause anymore trouble. Say hi to Joe for me!”

Natalie rolled her eyes stubbornly. It wasn’t her fault that Mrs Falldrie, the woman from the fragrance store, had ordered Green Tea but when it was given to her she protested that she had ordered English Tea. It hadn’t caused much of a hassle but Joe was always stressing when someone wasn’t satisfied by their “Joe’s Snack Bar Experience.” Everyone thought that that was pathetic, including Natalie. And at times Joe looked a bit embarrassed when the staff at the front counter would say, “Thank you for coming and have a great day. We hope you enjoyed your ‘Joe’s Snack Bar Experience.’” The person saying it looked even worse. But I guess that you get that in small towns like Pointbrook Bay. Small snack bars turn into the Restaurant of the town. It was the same with the home-owned Chinese Take-out shop down on the corner of Natalie’s Street, “Ming-Sun”.

Natalie cycled around the side of the blue building and into the small staff car park. She parked her bike by the back door and pulled out a compact mirror to check her hair and make-up. She swung open the fly-wire door and walked inside. Joe bumped into her as she turned the corner into the kitchen. “Natalie,” he said, wiping the perspiration of his forehead with the back of hand, “thank goodness you’re here. Nadine has the flu and Lewis is in Africa on a school safari trip or something. It’s really busy out there!” Natalie put her hand on Joe’s plump shoulder, “Joe, stop stressing! It’s fine. Rose and I are capable. We can serve while you and Brandon cook. And Alora will be alright at the till! We don’t need anyone else!”

Joe let out a sigh. “What would I do with out you Natalie,” he said, giving her a push out the archway and into the main serving room.

“Remember,” he whispered loud enough for me to hear over the chatter of people and the screams of children begging their parents for an ice-cream, “Mrs Falldrie is here, please don’t upset her. Please…”

Natalie just winked as she walked towards a booth by the window and pulled out a notebook and a pen.

As she walked over to Mrs Falldrie, sitting at a table in the middle of the room, Natalie smiled, she didn’t smile back; she simply straightened her pink long sleeved t-shirt and fiddled with the yellow silk scarf hanging tackily around her wrinkled neck.

“I’ll have a green tea thank you.” she said bluntly before Natalie could ask. “Not an English tea?” Natalie asked politely, although you could hear the slight cheek in her voice.

Mrs Falldrie gave a slight smile, “Don’t. Just don’t.”

Natalie tried not to smile. Or laugh. “Sorry” was all that she could think to say. To change the subject quickly she asked, little-miss-nice, “you smell wonderful Mrs Falldrie. May I ask, is that a new fragrance?”

Really, Natalie couldn’t care less if it was new or not, nor what she smelt like.

Not even the slightest bit interested, Mrs Falldrie said impatiently, tapping her long fingernails on the table, “Yes. It is. Sky-Berry with Spring-Honey. When do I get my tea? I’m late for something.”

If Mrs Falldrie didn’t want to be nice than neither did Natalie.

“’Dunno. When it’s ready, I guess.” she said, effortlessly and walked away.

Mrs Falldrie just stared, open mouthed, unsure if she had heard correctly She was tall and thin with light brown straight, boring hair and had dull green eyes. She always wore silly scarfs around her neck and long skirts. Everyone knew who she was, and everyone knew her for being serious and grumpy.

She stood up and walked over to the front counter to see Alora sitting next to the telephone.

‘Oh no. Please go and sit down.’ Natalie thought, hopeful that Mrs Falldrie would turn around and sit back in the wooden chair at her table, but she knew it was no use. She’d really done it now.

Natalie tried not to look as Mrs Falldrie complained dramatically, waving her hands around angrily. Alora looked over at Natalie and sighed, but then turned back to Mrs Falldrie and began apologising as Joe rushed into the room. He looked at Natalie, “what’s the problem Nat?” His plump face sagged, “No. Natalieee… what did you do to her now.”

Natalie began to talk but Joe was already by Alora’s side, making his Hawaiian shirt look more presentable buy smudging some mayonnaise off it and dusting away the crumbs from his lunch roll. Alora looked at Joe impatiently; Natalie guessed that she couldn’t really be bothered telling Joe what had happened but knew that she had to when he looked at her miserably with his usually-enthusiastic brown eyes and his fleecy grey hair.

“Mrs

Answer 1

11? just admit you're a failed english teacher struggling to pay the rent. people will respect you more.

Answer 2

its good

whats it for??

Answer 3

Err, quite predictable and simple, however considering you're an 11 year old, it's adequate. =)

Good luck with your writing in future.  

Answer 4

You have the talent to make the people come alive in the story.. as you describe them really well. You set the scene and you use the right words.. this is a tough job but you are doing well to describe just such a short scene to make it come to life really takes effort for people to feel the atmosphere.. you know how to do that.. nothing really happens in the story but the way how you set it up is good. you do have talent for writing and you also came up with good names for all the people and to make all of them speak.. only at some point there should something slightly unusual happen to make the story more interesting but as for style of writing and for bringing the people alive and for giving them creative names.. I would give this an 8 out of 10. It is a great job for someone your age !!!!

Answer 5

(hehe) joe's snack bar experience?? nice phrase! no seriously, i loved it.

it's pretty good, considering the age of the author. i'm an amateur author too, and i write just as ahobby if i'm tired of drawing.

please bearwith me. i just can't help to say these:

i noticed it has this laid-back kind of mood, ordinary daily life type of story. It's good for people who just want to read something to kill time. Quite dull, but not too dry. If you want to be a bit more exciting, you might want to twist and add details to the plot. Or maybe this is just the beginning and you wat to reserve exciting events until later.

who knows, she (the author) might be the next bigshot author the world will get to know.

mada mada da ne.

Answer 6

Just a couple things.  It should be "any more trouble" not "anymore trouble"  They have different meanings.  Anymore is like, "don't do that anymore".  Also "by smudging the mayo etc." not "buy", that is to purchase.  Also in a small town like this, it seems unlikely that the school system would have the funds to send a field trip to Africa.  My school system in a small town certainly didn't.  So unless this becomes relevant later, he should be in New York City, or Washington D.C.  Also, at the beginning, as she ties on her apron, and it reads, Just another boring day at Joe's etc.  the reader feels that she is AT Joe's already, but then she is pulling her bike out of the garage at home.  So it might say, "about to head out for another boring day at Joe's".  Also, does she keep her sneakers and apron in the garage?  If not, she needs to bounce down the stairs and out the back door before pulling out her bike.  OK, that's it so far.

Answer 7

i like it :)

Answer 8

Not very compelling, you over describe some people, and you have a string of dialog that could use braking up, but not bad for the beginning of a first draft.

Answer 9

i like it 7 1/2 out of 10

Answer 10

As far as it goes, it shows good observation, attention to detail and ability to create atmosphere. From the above picture one can easily get the sleepy feeling of a small midwestern town.

Actually, vhat could make the good homework into a great story from now on, is the drama in it. So far, this is not a story, it is a picture - static, but beautiful. To become a story, it must unwind according to its own laws. The caracters must live their own lives, Natalie a lively, stubborn girl, Mrs Falldrie an old grumpy bore and Joe a pompous fool, centered around his restaurant.

But there can always be a twist - Maybe Mrs Falldrie has another face that this story will uncover, or Joe under the bizarre crust of an overconcerned restaurant owner may show to be a man of great wisdom and understanding?

Maybe there will be a misterious crime in the neighbourhood and that will connect the three that at the moment are headed toward conflict into a team and make them show their detective skills.

Maybe a desperate person will walk into the restaurant and reveal a lifestory to the three, forcing them to give advice and comfort.

Or in the middle of the really meningless conflict that is building at the moment, a hurricane will strike to show them how little they really are. A good writer is reallly good at intertwining the grand scene with small, bizarre individual cravings, comforts and thoughts.

There are many possibilities, you can even experiment and build several stories from the same beginning.