PLEASE Read and Comment On My Poem "To You"?

Question

To You

To you, I am another face,

A fish within my pond.

You see me once, and don’t think twice

Of where my time has gone.

To you, I’m merely flesh and bone,

No pulse to make me real.

No hopes, or troubles deep within;

No feelings that you feel.

And when I look at you,

I see the same you see in me.

And I’m to blame, and so are you;

But that’s how things will be.

Answer 1

good one!  Gotta wonder who you wrote this for, and if you plan on giving it?

Answer 2

A fish within my pond?  Are you stretching to make the comparison?  There is a nice flow in the words.

Answer 3

And when I look at you,

I see the same you see in me.

And I’m to blame, and so are you;

But that’s how things will be.

This verse is too weak, you gotta strengthen it.

maybe :  and the mirror takes me far away,

                 to a place back up where we would stay

                  what you would say,

                 and when i came back down I had to pray.

Answer 4

can be a good song

very good words used

Answer 5

don't like it its to played out

Answer 6

You should have stayed with the ducks. The whole feeling is muddled because the imagery has no cohesion. In the first stanza you go from a fish to a face to time. In the second you seem to contradict yourself. I always thought the term "flesh and bone" implied both life and reality. As a result, the conclusion that you draw in the third stanza is just not convincing to me. It seems to me that this is simply a lament that  your feelings for this person are not reciprocated, and that yo are trying to make more out of it than there is.

Answer 7

Short and sweet. And sad, of course, but we've all been there. Nice, traditional structure. I wouldn't change a thing. Sounds good, too.

Answer 8

Sounds a little detached, was that your intention? And why would someone have flesh and bone -- but no pulse?

It sounds introspective, which I like. I'd give this one 7 1/2 out of 10.

Answer 9

when i walk down the street and people know my name

i sometimes think that it's a shame,  it's only a shell

that they see, a name my mother gave to me,

Answer 10

Eh. What's that?

Poetry?

Try letters to the editor instead!

LOL!!!