PLEASE help me with my writing? Please?

Question

I need to write an essay/letter for my new honors language arts teacher, and I really want to make a good impression. Please, I have really choppy writing and I hate it! So could you please tell me where it's choppy and give me suggestions to fix it? If its bad could you tell me, if its fast or just overall unprofessional, and not friendly enough to be a letter, please let me know and give me suggestions to fix it! PLease! This has been revised a few times, for I posted this quesiton a lot here and took into consideration all my wonderful answers:) THANK YOU!

Hello, my name is Kim, and my interests are reading, writing, politics, and meaningful music. For example, soft rock that tells a story, and that get’s you thinking, even though sometimes that’s a lot to expect from a three minute song. That’s also what I look for in my reading. A flat out good story, nothing sad, unless it truly get’s me curious, and nothing that doesn’t leave me pining for more, like the novel Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer, which I finished in a clean two days. As for my interest in politics, I will just leave you with the fact that I tend to be arrogant with my views and I guess you don’t want ten pages of my ranting on your desk.

As for my goals, I think that it’s more about your work than the actual goal. Of course goals are necessary in your journey, but I think that what really defines people is whether or not they choose to really work at it. I myself have a hard time choosing to stay working for my goals, like having straight A’s, or putting as much focus as possible on my sport, Tae Kwon Do. Hopefully, I’ll be a black belt in November. I’m proud to say that that is one of my few goals that I’m close to accomplishing. But I think I’m getting better at working for success. I always do better, I think, when I have a clean slate to work with, like eighth grade.

In High School, I hope to be a part of the Youth and Government program. Perhaps all different sides can help tame my arrogant side. I might even try and find some sort of writers workshop because my weaknesses like choppy sentences and grammatical errors stick out at me like a sore thumb. I hope that your class can help with that too! But as for my far-away future, I figure I might as well not even bother choosing a profession or a college yet, since being a writer, musician, or politician are the farthest things from my mind, even though those are my favorite things! I know that when the time comes, I’ll have had enough experiences and interests to decide.

In conclusion, I am very excited to be in your class. I think that all of the reading and writing you do will help you teach me about my mistakes and how to perfect my work. As for my goals, I will continue to strive to finishing them, one at a time.

Answer 1

If you want it to be a letter, I'd made it shorter. If it's an essay, I'd separate all of the things you've talked about into separate paragraphs (A paragraph for reading, paragraph for politics, paragraph for your future, paragraph for high school, etc.) so it's "neater" if you get what I'm saying.

I think how you started it and how you ended it is kinda weird. You started it like it was a letter and you ended it like it was an essay. If you're writing a letter, you should write "sincerely, name" at the end or something.

Answer 2

yeah, no offence but no ones gonna read your whole essay, this is the internet. no one knows you either.

Answer 3

too much 2 read this is not a class room and many people here say they don't even want to face going back to school and you take it here Lol

Answer 4

Okay, so it's hard to know what to tell you about flow and tone because I didn't hear the assignment.  I'm not gonna re-write the essay for you, but I will call to your attention things that are wrong with it so you can review them for yourself and change what you feel should be changed.

Paragraph 1:  

You definitely just jump in to tell the reader about your interests.  It seems abrupt to the reader...but that might just be the assignment.

The second sentence is a fragment; it's not structurally sound.  Also, "get's" is incorrect.  The correct spelling is "gets."

In the third sentence, you shouldn't begin the sentence with an indefinite word like "that's."  In this situation, it's confusing to the reader.  Instead, you should probably reiterate that you like things that get you thinking.

The fourth sentence isn't correct.  It's a run-on, stream-of-consciousness type "sentence" that would surely draw the ire of your teacher's red pen.  I would definitely revise it.  Break it up and omit phrases like "flat out," which sound unprofessional in a formal essay.  Too many commas.

The fifth sentence doesn't tell the reader anything.  You shouldn't mention your political beliefs in the first sentence and then refuse to tell the reader anything about those beliefs later in the essay.  It just doesn't even make sense to mention it at all.

Paragraph 2:

Sentence 1:  Don't begin sentences with "As for ..."  It's unprofessional.  What's more about the work than the actual goal?  You can't write an essay like you would speak to a friend.  It's a more professional style and you should use indefinite pronouns that leave the reader wondering what you're talking about.

Sentence 2:  Instead of saying "your journey," say "one's journey."  Instead of "people," say "a person."  Whether or not they choose to really work on what?  Again, you're not explaining yourself well.

Okay, that's enough for now.  this is exhausting.  good luck.

Answer 5

UGH no

In the time you took to type that, you could have been done already.

Answer 6

I LIKE UR WRITING

Answer 7

Boring.

Answer 8

I am going to re-type some of your stuff the way i would say it...!

  I enjoy a flat out good story. Nothing sad, unless it truly gets me curious. I also enjoy stories that leave me pining for more, like the novel "Twilight" by Stephanie Meyer, which i finished in a clean two days.

  (another portion..) I am pround to say that is one of the few goals of mine that i am close to accomplishing. However, i think i am getting better at working towards success. I think i usually do better at things when i have a clean slate to work with, like eighth grade. (note the changes i made)

Perhaps learning the different views and sides can help tame my arrogant side.  I might even try to find a sort of writers workshop because of my weaknesses, like choppy sentences and grammatical errors that stick out like a sore thumb!

Now, to be honest, this is how i would write it which i believe is a more proper way to say things, BUT  you are younger than me, i just finished my College English class!  So, considering your age and grade it would be fine for you to keep what you have, and wait and see what your teacher corrects.  You are there to learn, and the only way to learn is to write things incorrectly, and have your teacher help learn to do better!    You did a great job!

  Also another thing, dont forget your indentions after each paragraph

Answer 9

i am actually going into the 8th grade this September and my middle school has talent classes such as math/computer, art, science, creative writing, etc and im actualy in creative writing class so i just revised your paragraph a bit so hope you don't mind but you don't have to use my revision =] oh and i like your paragraph and for your future notice, when you write to reports or anything like that for school and stuff it's best not to use contractions(that's what i was taught) such  as

that's <---wrong use that is or isn't instead use is not(you know all those)=] you don't need the part where you say you wouldnt want ten pages of my review(they don't need to know that) just make it simple

Hello, my name is Kim, and my interests are in reading, writing, politics, and meaningful music. For example, such as soft rock that tells a story, and that gets you thinking, even though sometimes that is a lot to expect from a three minute song. That is also what I look for in my reading. A flat out good story, nothing sad, unless it truly get’s me curious, and nothing that doesn’t leave me pining for more, such as the novel Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, which I finished in a clean two days. As for my interest in politics, I will just leave you with the fact that I tend to be arrogant with my views.

As for my goals, I think that it’s more about your work than the actual goal. Of course goals are necessary in your journey, but I think what really defines people is whether or not they choose to really work at it. I myself have a hard time choosing to stay working for my goals, such as having straight A’s, or putting as much focus as possible on my sport, Tae Kwon Do. Hopefully, I will be a black belt soon in November. I’m proud to say that that is one of my few goals that I’m close to accomplishing. In my opinion, I think I’m getting better at working for success. I always do better, I think when I have a clean slate to work with, like eighth grade.

In High School, I hope to be a part of the Youth and Government program. Perhaps all different sides can help tame my arrogant side. I might even try and find some sort of writers' workshop because of my weaknesses in choppy sentences and grammatical errors usages stick out at me like a sore thumb. I hope that your class can help me with that too! But as for my far-away future, I figure I might as well not even bother choosing a profession or a college yet, since being a writer, musician, or politician are the farthest things from my mind, even though those are my favorite things! I know that when the time comes, I’ll have had enough experiences and interests to decide.

In conclusion, I am very excited to be in your class. I think that all of the reading and writing you do will help you teach me about my mistakes and how to perfect my work. As for my goals, I will continue to strive to finishing them, one goal at a time.

hope you like it;]

you're pretty creative and got some great words used in your sentences

by the way, it's best if you don't start your sentence out with "but"

Answer 10

=(

Answer 11

Remove the apostrophe in the first "get's" to "gets"  Ah, it's a habit, I see.  Remove the apostrophes in the words "get's" to "gets."

Paragraph break after song,   New topic. "That’s also what I look for in my reading..."

Paragraph break, new topic "As for my interest in politics, I ,,,"  You might want to consider altering this to "On the topic of politics, I..." since your next paragraph begins with: "As for my goals, I think that ..."

Subject change, new paragraph: "But as for my far-away future, I..."

New paragraph.  "In conclusion," you may want to alter, "As for my goals, I will continue to strive to finishing them, one at a time."

to "I feel my current path is correct, and I will continue to strive to accomplish my goals one at a time."

Repeat phrasing, such as "as for" loses a reader's interest, and can even be distracting.

Over all, it's nicely presented.

Good luck!

And I hope this has been of help.

***ADD  I made a few basic suggestions, but I'm not re-writing your paper for you.  lol  My daughter was once in the 8th grade too, and she had to do her own work, as well.  You will need your teacher's 'red pen' to help you progress towards your goals.  That is, after all, the point of the exercise.

Good luck!

Answer 12

you jump around topics too much. focus on writing a clear and cohesive essay. bring out your good points, but what would really impress your teacher is things you aren't well suited for. this would show that you understand yourself and your needs as a student and person, what you should work on, etc. mostly for the opening does it seem to be jumping around, everything else seems fine in my opinion  

Answer 13

here is your essay:

Dear Teacher,

     Today i ate a meowmix bag for lunch then threw it up it was very good only the fact that it had an after taste was unpleasent after some several hours of thinking ive realized that the only thing that was keeping me from working correctly was my mother. So i asked to to please leave the room so i could study when all of a sudden she pulled a shotgun to my face.

I was blown to smithereens but then i respawned safely in the other room where i set up work it was then when i heard i strange knocking noise on the door...i knew she was back. This time i got ready with a baseball bat and hid behinde the door. BOOM! the door bust open and i got smashed behinde it =(. I was very angry and respawned outside the house this time and got my items ready. I was now ready for battle. I went inside and head up the stairs there was strange creaking noise...

I saw her walk past me then i jumped out and BAM! i was shot again...

I was getting real mad at doing this and quit. I went to my mothers computer and hit her and called her a nerd at halo. She said she would do my homework if i played one more game with her and i did.

Now my homework is finished teacher.

The End.

-MamaGlue

  

Answer 14

No wonder you dont know how to write - you like Twilight.