PLEASE read my poem "SUNDIAL SHADOWKAST"?

Question

"Sundial Shadowkast"

I look at thee hour glass

grains of sand fall freely

untouched, untainted, unmaintained

and never ending

time stops for nothing

no exceptions meeting no expectations

just a constant falling of a grain

only noticed threw the effects on living souls

that can't escape the tik and the tok

24 hours to live life by the clock

under the skedual of eternitys control

8 hours of labor with a 30 minute half life

in the middle to maintain civil certainty

Devotion to thee time table

keeps the outlook steadily stable

I reefer weed today to rather be lost

in the never ending fable

not a story or a novel

for I make belive in this wonderland

Alice goes to Oz Santa Clause toast tea with Annunci

not fictional characters these be

but strangers, freinds, and family

linked in common through resmbled nature

second after second

this chidrens story gets manifested mentally

and interacted with publicly open individuality

Privately hiding the portrait of love

only when I forget for a while

stair into the sky

I become still to thee action of presnt tense life style

thus and only then thee awareness is obvious

A shadow

I'am shadow kasting

I sundial shadowkast

Now if you would please give me some feedback that would be much appreciated.........Thank you for reading.

Answer 1

I like this line. "8 hours of labor with a 30 minute half life/in the middle to maintain civil certainty"  

The poem begins strong.  I think it looses momentum toward the end.  I felt like the second paragraph didn't fit in, parts did but as a whole... not so much.

I wondered if you lost a little focus toward the end.  I saw the length of this poem and didn't want to read it, but started to, the first paragraph propelled me through the rest of the poem, but I felt, as mentioned, the  rest of the poem was lacking.