PLease dont judge me ?

Question

So, My husband and i have been married for 3 years and together for 5 years. For 5 years now i have smoked weed along with him every day. last june i found out i was pregnant. I stopped smoking the day i found out. My husband kept smoking. My son was born in January and my husband promised to quit. He gave away all the things he owned like his bong and bowls and everything. ( i even gave up smoking cigs for my son). My husband smoked only when away from the house with his friends but that only lasted about 2 months. Then he started smoking in the bathroom. Now i know that he is smoking in the house when i am gone. This is really something i dont want my son to grow up around. My husband has had a VERY rough life such as finding his mom dead on the couch at the age of 13 from a crack overdose and i believe that he uses pot to keep his mind straight. Without it he has a really bad temper. He has never hurt me though or the baby. And besides smoking the weed he is wonderful to his son. He plays with him and feeds him he's just really involved with his son. The thing is i really dont want him smoking it. I dont want to leave him because of this because i love him with all my heart and we would have nothing if we didnt have each other. He keeps a job and we keep our bills paid we even have left over money a lot of the time. But when i mention to my husband that i would like for him to stop smoking he tells me " I want to quit to i just dont know how" and i try to help him quit he ALWAYS ends up still smoking. What do i do. He's great with his son, He holds a job, he takes care of us, he just has a bad habbit of smoking weed. How do i get him to stop. Its seriously something i dont want my son around. Im so lost i dont know what to do.

Answer 1

If he really wanted to quit he could and would.  Maybe he could go to a rehab program or something.  It sounds like he has some deep issues going on that need to get resolved.

Maybe try leaving him for a few weeks and he'll get a taste of what it's like without his family.

It seems to really bother you, but not him.  You have to get drastic, because he won't change because you ask him to.  It sounds like you've already tried talking to him anyways.

Otherwise, for now, he'll have to do his smoking in the garage or preferably outside.

Answer 2

There are a h*ll of a lot things worse than smoking pot.  If he isn't smoking around your child, if he isn't smoking and then driving the child somewhere then he isn't doing anything wrong.  Smoking pot is no different than drinking alcohol.  If it helps control his temper and allows your family to stay intact than why make him quit?  It's a natural herb.  Cigarettes and alcohol are just like pot.  Don't ruin your family just because the government says pot is illegal.  That's just plain stupid.

Answer 3

Have you ever heard the term "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree"?  

I would calmly talk to him about how worried you are for his safety.  He, of all people, should understand what it was like growing up with a substance addicted parent.  He may be in denial about such things.  What would he do if he found out your son was smoking weed and said "well you do/did it so who are you to tell me not to"?  Or worse yet, does he want the constant risk of his son coming in to find him dead one day?  Or seeing his father arrested in front of him for possession?  

He is putting his child at risk weather he wants to admit it or not.  I think it's time for someone to intervene - be it a friend, family member or rehabilitation center.  He needs to get himself clean and be the best husband and father he can be.

Answer 4

He can go to narcotics anonymus, a friend of mine went in 43 days ago and is doing great. He was ashamed and now feels so much support at his group! Please encourage him to do so, he'll be really well surounded! There's nothing to be ashamed of trying to help yourself!!

Answer 5

Wow!  You are awesome to be able to stop doing something you enjoyed so much because you want your child to have a better life.  That takes great strength and alot of love for your child. I commend you for that!

the thing is addictions are powerful.  Your husband needs support.  Reassure him that you love him and you are in your marriage forever. Remind him of all the things you admire in him...he takes care of your bills etc.    I doubt you need to tell him why he needs to quit especially since he found his mom like that and since he has made some changes taht prove part of him wants to stop. He needs to quit for himself not for you.  Start attending a group like AA with him.  The thing is he may go if you will go with him.  And it really helps.  YOU start going to al anon.  It will help you understand addictions and why and how you can help.   Consider a really good couples addictions therapist.  Even if you have to go alone at first maybe later he will come with you.  It will help you in ways you cant imagine.   Just be sure the therapist has addictions training and couples marriage training.  

Good luck.  Stick with it.  THe worste thing you could do is nothing.  So take the first steps and go to these programs you will not regret it. Remember you are investing in your marriage and your child...the two most important forever things in your life!!!! They are priceless.  

Answer 6

My fiance and I grew up with two dramatically different childhoods where we were raised around marijuana.  I had the drug dealing shady step dad where my house was raided bi-monthly. Whereas he grew up with a father who was a weed smoking college professor.  We both turned out fine. If the marijuana effects your hubby's parenting and his relationship with you then talk to him and fix it. If not leave it alone. It may be viewed as a taboo but many people smoke on a regular bases. And although every person has their opinions there are alot of parents out there who drink alcohol while parenting their children. One is legal but which is worse? And what would you allow? Best of luck!

Answer 7

First rule....NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE. That is an easy one to maintain...plain and simple. And go from there. Quitting smoking is a process, you may fail, but you keep trying. Cold turkey works for some people, others need to work at it gradually. Like setting limits. No smoking in the house, no smoking before work, only smoking once a day before bed, only smoking on the weekends, etc.

Answer 8

If he can give up cigarettes, he can most definitely give up weed! Honestly if it was me, I would give him an ultimatum of either you stop this or me and my son are gone. I know that you love him and you want him to stop and you don't necessarily want to split up, but you dont want your son raised around it and your son comes before your husband. I would tell him either stop or we are gone and follow through with it. Empty threats dont do anything.

Eventually everyone has to grow up, especially when there is a baby in the mix. I know its not cocaine but remind him that his mother was a drug user (apparently) and ask him if he wants his son raised like that. And as far as the anger issues go, I would definitely urge him to seek counseling vs. smoking weed.  

Answer 9

Give him an ultimatum - either he's admitted as an inpatient at a rehab hospital, or he's out of your house and out of your son's life.  Really, if someone were to find out about his drug use, you would both lose custody of your son.  Yes, YOU would lose custody because you knew about it and did nothing to stop it.  

Your husband sounds exactly like the sorry excuse for a father that I had growing up.  Just to let you know, I haven't spoken to him in years and my son doesn't know him.  I struggled as a child and teen because of it.  Unless you want to set your son up for a very sad life, take action now.  Otherwise, know that you're hurting him deeply.  I hope that sounds harsh enough for you to do something immediately.

Answer 10

You should be telling him this honey.  And if your child were to go to school and exhibit on "how you smoke pot" you will loose him to Social Services.  We had a child in our house that was taken because of someone smoking pot in the house...that child did go back home to his mother but it took three years in Foster Care for her to do all that she needed to do.  So, basically she lost three years of his life, because she allowed pot to be smoked around the child.

Answer 11

u can't change him.  he has to want to change.  the way you quit is to just stop. he has to stay away from his friends who do it.  he needs to replace the smoking with a new healthy habit.

the reason rltps end is because 1 person matures and changes while the other one stays the same.  

Answer 12

You have to decide how much this bothers you. Your husband isn't going to change unless he wants to. You can point him in the right direction-say Drugs and Alcohal counselling but you can't make him go.

I personally don't do dope or smoke but for those that I know do, as long as they aren't inhibiting, harming, neglecting their child and do it in their spare time--really there are worse things out there to be doing. As you describe this is such a case with your spouse.

You need to make that decision of whether you will accept him the way he is or call it quits.

Don't think I'm condoning doing drugs I don't but I also know from my own family ( a brother) you can not make anyone do anything they don't want to do.

Answer 13

Well first of all, why do you want him to quit smoking? Many people are confused about how weed really affects the body. Smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol is alot worse than smoking. You can die from alcohol poisoning or lung cancer, but no one has ever died from an "overdose" on pot. I think you are making your husband feel guilty about smoking weed, when it's not necessarily an awful thing.

As long as he keeps it away from the children, I don't see the real problem with it. Marijuana is natural and comes from the ground, and you'd probably be more likely to catch your death cooking food in a microwave (radiation and cancer waves anybody?)

Marijuana is also used medicinally in many countries, and it usually doesn't have any particularly negative effects. It affects everyone differently. Some people become lazy and they stop going to work, some people burst into laughter or get the "munchies," some people get into to car accidents. And some people (as it seems in the case of your husband) aren't negatively affected by it. It's a wonderful thing if it helps to keep his temper "laid back." It seems like he is obviously going to need some sort of counseling or medication to deal with his temper if he stops using marijuana, so why stop.

The only real risk I see, is the fact that it's illegal.

It's understandable that you might want him to quite smoking cigarettes, there a more health reasons then I can list, that can not only affect him, but your children as well. But weed? Getting your marriage and in turmoil over a plant that grows naturally out of the ground and something that is only beneficial for him seems ridiculous. Maybe you should research the effects of it a bit more, and maybe your opinion will change.

I honestly don't think it's worth ruining your relationship.

Good luck!

Answer 14

I wish I had an answer for you. It is hard to stop doing something that he has been doing for many years. I am sorry for what you all are going through.

My only suggestion is to see if he wants to go into rehab. If he doesn't want to do that you just need to keep trying to help him. But rehab is the only thing that is going to really help

Answer 15

maybe you should tell him about your son and how dangerous it can be if inhale too much of the smoke from the smokng weed. it could cause lung cancer and tell your husband that if he really does not know how to try to stop, get a help from a doctor.

Answer 16

You need to tell him everything u just said let him no u dont want your son growing up around that and just have a talk heart to heart and see where it takes you

Answer 17

I CAN TOTALLY RELATE 100% I'M 61/2 MONTHS PREGNANT AND MY HUSBAND SWORE THE DAY I FOUND OUT HE WOULDN'T SMOKE AGAIN, YEAH RIGHT!!!  I HAVE THREATEN DIVORCE AND TOLD HIM HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SEE HIS SON WITH OUT A NEGATIVE PEE TEST AND STILL I FOUND OUT THAT HE STILL IS SMOKING WITH FRIENDS AT WORK.  I TOO LOVE MY HUSBAND WITH ALL MY HEART AND CAN'T IAMAGION LIFE WITH OUT HIM BUT BRING A CHILD UP WITH WEED AROUND IS NOT SOMETHING I EVER WANT.  I HAVE TALKED TO HIM MANY TIMES AND HE SWEARS IT WILL BE THE LAST TIME.  I THINK THAT IS IN FACT ALOT HARDER FOR HIM AND PERHAPS YOUR HUSBAND AS WELL.   I THINK FOR MY HUSBAND IT KEEPS HIS MIND STRAIGHT, HE IS A WONDERFUL MAN BUT AND PROVIDES WELL FOR HIS FAMILY, BUT HE HAS A LOT OF DEMANS IN HIS PAST AND I THINK THAT HELPS HIM LET GO.   THIS PROBABLY WONT HELP YOU AS FAR A SOLUTION BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! GOOD LUCK !!!

Answer 18

You have to make a decision.  You don't want to leave your husband but you don't want him around if he's smoking because of your son, so what's more important?

Don't make excuses for your husband, saying he's had a rough life.  Everyone has c**p in their life and not everyone deals with it by doing drugs.

Answer 19

You may have to leave him. Saying he wants to quit, but not quitting isn't wanting to quit. Lots of people have rough lives. They don't use that as an excuse to get high, because there is no excuse. When you have a kid, you grow up and quit the irresponsible, immature behavior. You figured that out but your husband obviously isn't interested in that. You have to get away from him for the safety of your son.

Answer 20

get him some counselling,i think he does want to quit but finds it harder than you...its proved scientifically thst women find it easier to do then men

thats all i ca suggest,and great that u have stopped,shows u care and i would not say ur husband does not care bcoz he has a job etc as u said but he just finds it hard to quit

but remember that what happened in the past is NOT an excuse to smoke weed around ur son,its a hard thing dealing with it but its NOT an excuse

good luck,hope that helped a little at least :)

xoxo

Answer 21

He is addicted. He needs some rehab. Do you have health insurance? Many insurances will cover the cost of rehab. Good luck and I really hope he gets the help he needs.

Answer 22

Ok this is tough because you fell in love with a pothead.  Now you want him to stop but not change.  You can't have both my dear...or can you.  Maybe pot is the way he deals with his depression.  Well there are anti depressants that he can take to help "clear" his mind (as you put it).  You can not MAKE someone stop but you can show him how importantt his son is and that it is not good to have that around him.  I wish I had better advice for you.  My mom smoked pot when I was growing up but she was sneaky about it...oddly enough I have never done drugs in my life....good luck!

Answer 23

Too late, I judged you after the first few sentences.

You should both decide what's more important, your son, or smoking?

He's clearly already made his choice. What's yours going to be?

Make no mistake about it, if he really wanted to quit for his son, he would have. He knows how to quit, he just doesn't want to.