Pageant Sponsorship Letter Revision?

Question

I'm competing in the Miss Teen Minneapolis 2008 pageant and I can't afford it without sponsorship. I'm looking for revision, or just writing it for me would be fantastic. This is a letter aimed towards any potential sponsor so its completely general. Oh, I need about $2,000 for everything.

Date,NAME,Address

Dear Potential Sponsor(s),

My name is NAME. I'm seventeen years old, and a senior attending SCHOOL. I'm in the top 40% of my class, and I will be attending a college after graduation.

After being very involved in the community through Girl Scouts, and various other community service activities, I now have the opportunity to compete in the Miss Teen Minneapolis Pageant. I believe that anything is achieveable as long as you put your mind to it, and being a Miss Teen Minneapolis contestant is no exception. This is a wonderful activity in which to achieve personal growth, female empowerment, and to promote our city.

I can't fit the rest, HELP PLEASE! I NEED IT ASAP!!!

Thanks :D

Answer 1

Very nice letter - I have just a couple suggestions.  Leave out "top 40% of my class". Have you applied or been accepted at a college yet?  You could add that.  And be more specific in how you have been involved in the community.  How is your world a better place now because you have helped?  I don't like the 'female empowerment' part, but that's a personal issue *g*, but something some potential sponsor may also have.   Also, you might want to start out with a compliment to the sponsor or company.  'You/your company has an impressive history of leadership in our community.'  Do your research and find out why.  Good luck!