Pap's: if you could look into the future and see that "your" adoptee will be one of the "angry" ones...?

Question

...would you still want him or her? I mean, if NOTHING you do would make them feel happy, grateful, or any of the other emotions you want them to feel, if there was NOTHING at all that you could do, they just were unhappy about their adoption, would you go through with the adoption?

Answer 1

Those who are angry can still change and find fulfillment. Some people raised by their birth parents are angry. Check out the Adolescent section.

I have 2 adopted people in my extended family.  One has had a happy marriage for over 15 years.  The other was into drugs, divorced, in prison, mad at the world.  They are now in a stable relationship.

Answer 2

i am speaking from a parents point (note a parent of any child adoptive or natural)  of view...

I want my child (ren) to grow up to be respectable citizens, happy, healthy, and satisfied.  If I fail to raise children who meet these "goals"  then I would question what I could do differently to help them attain them.  SHould I have given them more veggies and water?  Less soda and cookies?  SHould I have taught them to give more and take less?  Should I have encouraged them to follow their dreams (regardsless of my desires in all aspects of life)?

A parent wants their child to be happy.  If my child was unhappy I'd question what I could have done to foster that.  For example maybe help them find their first family and include them (its never too late).  But I can't imagine wishing you had never brought a child into your family (naturally or adoptive).  Your children are a part of who you are to give that up is to lose a part of you.

Answer 3

Yes, because my love in unconditional and they are entitled to their feelings.

Answer 4

i am adopting 4 children and i worry all the time if they grow up to be good people. and if they will leave me and wonder off to their bio family. however knowing i loved them and did the best i could gives me the courage to keep them and take my chance. then again i know a lot of bio kids who turn out to be bad, so would you keep them. i can be a crappy mom sometimes and maybe do the wrong things and i get angry. can they keep me.  

Answer 5

If we adopt, I would respect my child's need for his/her own emotions.  I think that placing expectations (especially of gratitude) on a child's emotions is crazy.

So...yes I would still want him/her.  They would be encouraged to feel whatever they want to feel, and encouraged to deal/act on those feelings emotions if ever possible.  I would rather the child stay with his/her biological family if this was possible, and so I am not a normal PAP (who is probably not going to be adopting, but since I have been researching adoption and it's effects on children and their biological families for what seems like years, I am very interested in adoption.  That and I will probably be writing my dissertation on something about the psychological aspects of adoption).

Answer 6

My son will never be grateful that he has been adopted. I do not expect him to be. He wants his mom and he cannot have her. He acts this out in many ways everyday, from destroying my stuff, to lying, to stealing, to physically hurting others. Sometimes, I feel like I will have succeeded if he just doesn't end up in jail someday. I love him. No matter who he turns out to be, I love him. If he never loves me back, I love him. And other than loving him, there is not much more I can do, so yes I would still want him.