Parental access, what is too much, too little? Help with a dillema

Question

I have split up with my partner and he is a fantastic parent to our daughter, because of his working hours, I was able to go back to work full time, while he collected her from nursery at 2pm everyday during the week and looked after her while I was working. He has been made redundant and is seeking other employment. This means he will no longer be able to have our daughter during the day. I am going to work part time (should have done this from the start) however, now he wants to have her, overnight for two nights in the week and every other weekend for the whole weekend. I am not denying that on the outset this is brilliant that he wants to spend so much time with her and be so comitted however, I believe that this is not in the best interests of our daughter. This would mean for example. My house monday, his house tuesday, my house wed, his thursday, mine for the weekend and then the same the following week apart from with me for that weekend, To me this is not providing a secure and stable home. She is only 1 1/2 years old and I feel shunting her from pillar to post will be upsetting and not stable. I have suggested one night in the week and two nights in the week when it is not his weekend. I think this is fair!?!?! I understand that he will be going from seeing her every day to a limited amount of nights. but we are not together, this is what comes with being a single dad is it not? Please help with any thoughts or suggestions?

Answer 1

I think it sounds like a good plan... she gets to see both of you... and many children are in this situation so she will have people to relate to

please answer mine too

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind...

Answer 2

I think moving her from home to home every other day is disruptive. You should try and agree on one parent having her for the week days and another for the weekend with allowed visitation during the week. I know it will be hard but at least you both get to play a part in her upbringing. But moving her every other day will prove to be disruptive and chaotic as she gets older.

Answer 3

Honestly I don't see anything wrong with either one of the plans.  I do think that you are being a bit unfair by acting this way though because he is her father.  You are kind of coming off as not wanting to share her with her dad.

Answer 4

Hey, unfortunately i am not too experienced in this part of life but in my opinion, you should have ur daughter with you Monday-Thursday and He gets her from Friday to Sunday. Or,Maybe he get  hers Monday-Wenesday and you get her Thursday-Sunday meaning you will get more time to spend with her during the weekend.

Hope i helpd :D

Answer 5

First, I would wait and see what his new job and hours are before agreeing or deciding on any sort of visitation.  Perhaps instead of having her overnight he could get her after work make  dinner for her and bring her back for bath & bed.  You are going to work part time, what are your hours going to be?  He could even pick her up at day care on the days you work and keep her.  He obviously wants to spend as much time as possible with her. I think your suggestion of one night in week and two when it is not his weekend is a good compromise.  You can work with him when he or you have holidays etc offf to get extra time.

Now the comment "This is what comes from being a single dad is it not?"  I assume you mean because he is a single dad he should accept not seeing his daughter as much. As a single mom would you accept that? I am sure not.  He is obviously a good dad since you had no problem letting him spend time with her when you needed him.  

Make a compromise without assuming you have more rights because you are the mom.    

Answer 6

It's wonderful that he wants to be very involved with his child, too many dead beat dads out there. However, with your daughter being so young, it might be difficult for her to go back and forth like that. I don't know the answer that would make everyone happy and be what's best for the girl. I would advise some counceling for you both in order to make this difficult time as easy on your daughter as possible. As a step parent I can tell you that kids are pretty resilient. With her being so young, whatever you decide on is what she's going to think is normal.Good Luck!

Answer 7

I think this approach to the problem is a good one.

Your consideration of what is best for the little one should come above all else - and this you are doing.

Best wishes. UK

Answer 8

No YOU have it wrong, it would mean your house on Mon., his house Tues & Wed, then with you T, F, S, S & M, then back to him T & W, you Thurs and back to him for the weekend.  Sound like a great plan to me with the least amount of going back and fourth!    

Answer 9

I don't have much experience to speak from, but here is my advice:

My boyfriend's parents divorced when he was 6 months old.  Until the age of 5, he would rotate between his mom and dad every month.  When he was 5 he had to make the decision of which parent he would live with on a more consistent basis (he ultimately chose his mom).  While this was difficult on both him and his parents (many arguments over the years, and his dad was always upset when he had to drop his son off) I think this worked out for the best.  At the age of 1 1/2 to 5 years, the child is not going to school so there is no issue there (as far as whether the parents live in different school districts).  I understand that this may not work in your situation, and a more permanent arrangement will need to be made in the future.  But this is my advice based on what I have learned from my boyfriend.

Answer 10

i think what he proposed is actually quite fair. my mom's boyfriend has an 8 year old and they actually do the exact agreement your ex proposed. he has him 2 nights a week every week and then 2 nights a week and the weekend for his weekends (which they alternate). his son has done this since he was a baby and is very well adjusted. i think children are far more adaptable and it's great to have the balance of the 2 parents.

my suggestion would be though to give him 2 consecutive weeknights, so there is less suffling.

Answer 11

This situation will only get worse.  As you and/or he move on to new relationships, additional confusion for your young daughter will be added to this already unstable situation.

I would block this if at all possible, and come up with alternatives that are more in the best interest of your child.  It should NOT be about his feelings or convenience, and honestly not about yours either.  Make some sacrifices with the career or living arrangements or whatever to do what is best for the little one.

If you can stand it, trust him and he is agreeable, take turns staying in the same home with the little girl, and the other one get a motel room or find other accommodations on "off" nights.  

If you can't stand that, get a GOOD attorney and caseworker to prove that this is not good for such a young child to have so much upheaval.

If you don't nip this in the bud now, you will regret it later, I assure you.

Answer 12

I think your suggestion is pretty fair.  I mean, it is always sad to not be able to see your child every day, but as you said, this happens when parents split up.

Answer 13

My brother-in-law has a similar arrangement with his 6-year-old daughter.  He picks her up from school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but he takes her back to mommy at 7.   He also gets her every other weekend.