Parenting Help Please?

Question

Okay- to make a long story short I now have custody of my sister(12 yrs) and she is coming to us from a HORRIBLE environment- drugs, drinking, violence, you name it! I need some tips from the pros(parents of tweens):

1) I took her myspace completely away. She was talking to 17 yr old boys and even after I had a long discussion with her it continued to be an issue. After I took it away- she logs in under her best friends myspace- so I put a block on all suspect websites... did I make the right decision?

2)When I enforce rules and such- she gets extremely mad and won't talk for anything- when this happens do I just send her to her room until she is ready to talk about it? Thats what I've been doing.

3)She gets in a really bad mood when we get on the "personal expression" topic. She thinks I am supposed to let her "be herself"- by this she means dressing in dark morbid gothic clothes. She is obsessed with wanting to be "emo".

Any advice appreciated!

Answer 1

You've taken on a big challenge, my hats off to you.  I tried to take my sister's kids when they were taken away, had 2 of my own plus her 3, they were too much, had been exposed to too much, and were horrible to my kids.  But, here are some pointers I used, and now use on my 13 year old.  1st-Rules have to be constant.  You can't bend based on her mood, or yours.  But I explain why the rule exists.(like the myspace thing is for her safety).  2nd- You should supervise her 24/7 until she earns trust.  This is crucial.  She is making you earn trust too, so this should be a 2 way street.  3rd- don't take the goth thing so serious. There are so many other boundries that need to be set with clothes, color shouldn't be one of them.  If you treat it like it is no big deal, I guarantee she will eventually get over it.  She is probably just trying to get a reaction.  Where she came from the only attention she got was probably negative attention, so that is what she thinks she needs to get from you too.  4- PICK YOUR BATTLES.... this is the most important thing.  She is going to test every rule, every limit and every idea that you have.  And that is just being a kid, regardless what type of home you come from.  I have picked my top 5 unacceptables, everything else is negotiable.  You have to let them make some of their own decisions, as long as it is not risking their safety or health.  and finally, you should definately talk to her about going for some counseling.  She probably needs a neutral person to talk too.  I wish you the best of luck, do the best you can and give her a good foundation to build on as she becomes a young lady.

Answer 2

Its a very hard situation for the both of you. You have to remember that although this has been a big change for you, it has probably been more difficult for her. At 12 years old its hard enough trying to fit it, and be "cool" or whatever it is they call it these days, nevermind having to deal with a huge life change. I think its good that you set limits, but you have to be careful. You should try to establish an open and trusting relationship with her. Taking things away is probably not the best way to get her to open up to you about how she feels about the whole situation. I'd say your best bet is to give her another chance with myspace. I know how silly that sounds, but just set rules. Let her know she can go on for xx amount of mins everday, and that you'll be monitoring her. Let her know if you see that she is talking to anyone she shouldn't be you'll take it away again. Also, as far as clothing goes, I do think its a form of self expression, and finding herself. And as long as she is not harming herself, there shouldn't be a problem with dressing "emo", which seems to be very trendy these days. Also, maybe you can go shopping with her and find "emo" clothes that you both agree on. My younger sister and my mother had the same debate this year as my sister was getting ready for back to school. They went shopping online, and chose clothes that both my mom and my sis could agree on. Check out www.BlackHeartInc.net ...they have some stuff that your sister should like, but hopefully you will like as well. I'm pretty sure thats where my sis got all her stuff from..most of it isn't too dark, but has the "emo" look to it. Good luck.  

Answer 3

tell her that your doing whats best for her because if you didnt have custody of her you wouldnt know where she'd end up.

Answer 4

the clothing issue is the only one id say drop. as long as she isnt cutting herself, buy her all the eyeshadow and black nailpolish she wants. emo is just a new word for 'the outsider group' but now they make a clothing statement.

i wore (and made from scratch) a lot of my own clothes in a hippy/ peasant style in high school. i got picked on, but i didn't care.

and morbidity is everywhere, unless you poke her eyes out, and yours, then theres no way not to see it. black is every color, blood IS life, and emo IS a phase. when she gets older, taker her shopping for real clothes. you can ask why she wears something, if it represents something, but dont stifle everything. let her wear her clothes, at least shes not naked.

Answer 5

ok well you have a serious prob. You are doing right by blocking websites because she might start to get curious.Also I would try to have a one on one day doing something she likes to do to get her feelings out. Also don't force her to talk about something she doesn't want to unless it is very important. That gives her the feeling she has her own privacy and it would be great if you took her out shopping for some much appropiate clothing.You should also set boundaries alot of them for example:If you keep wearing emo clothes no computer privaleges etc.

i hope that helped you

Answer 6

I think numbers 1 and 2 are about right-but number 3 is really her choice...if she wants to dress dark and gothis then let her because if it makes her feel better and that she has control over that one thing in her life then where's the harm? In fact if you are supportive of her look-buy her a  lipstick in colour she wears, or  an eyeliner then she'll appreciate it more than you trying to change her. This will just make her feel that you are taking things away from her...and it sounds like she's had enough taken away from her in her past!

I hope you are not doing all this on your own...hopefully you get support from Social Care but you may wish to look into therapy sessions for her. There may be things she doesnt want to talk to you about but a stranger it may be easier.

Good Luck :)

Answer 7

you have to remember that in her eyes you are her sister, another kid...she probably resents that you have authority over her....she has had it tough and in her 12 years she probobly has seen more then most adults. she will find a way to go o n myspace no matter what you say to her.....put the computer in a centralized area of your home to where you can at any moment see what shes doing.

as far as the way she dresses, clothes do not make a person, she is expressing herself and well in my opinion let her. you are doing the best you could and asking questions like this shows that you are truly concerned and open to advice.

as far as the boy thing, well if shes has seen allot of things and if shes talking to them in a way that you think she may soon partake in sexual activity then you should have the big talk with her, tell her your experiences, don't be afraid she is too young because shes 12 in age but much older in experience with the life she came from.

no 12 year old wants to talk about personal expression...

she should be in some type of counseling, also you may want to consider asking her what she likes to do, (cook, draw, sports) enroll her in something that she likes to do.

Answer 8

just tell her the situation. make her understand what is going on and why she is there. make her feel at home but still include discipline!! also the clothes fing, ignore it, defo, if she wnts to dress in tht way then let her!! tht isnt a problem!

Answer 9

1. Yes, that is a good decision. (by the way there are no right and wrong decisions, when it comes to parenting). Another suggestion might be to monitor her while she is on the computer. Put it in the living room and only allow her on it when you are in the room. She probably won't like that either.

2. There is not much you can do when she is being stubborn like that, that sounds like a start. does she ever want to talk after a while? I am not sure what else you can do here.

3. You can try to explain to her that You will let her be herself when she can act mature enough and when you trust her. Once that happens, she may have a little more freedom. (that is entirely up to you, though, how much freedom she has, though). As for being 'emo' and morbid. I don't think that really has hurt anyone in the past, but you also need to make sure that drugs or anything else that may be hurtful to her or others is not involved.

I suggest trying to get her into counseling. I would strictly enforce her going. If she doesn't go, she has no privilages, type of deal thing. It must be hard to deal with an out of control teen. I wish I had better advice for you. Maybe this will be a starting point. Show her lots of love as well, and encourage her interests if possible.

Answer 10

Well for the clothing if your saying to her face that she's just "trying" to be a dark morbid goth no wonder she gets extremely mad at you over every little thing. She does have a right to personal expression, she's 12 come off it like it matters. For myspace kids find a way no matter what, in school libraries ect. no matter what they will so you never really solved the problem.

Answer 11

My advice would be when you take stuff from her it makes her want to do it even more. Understand what situation she was in. Tell that at her age its not right and you don't want her to end up in a bad situation. You could even take her to see a therapist.