Parenting extremely independent 16 year old son?

Question

He's been working 2 jobs all summer to pay for his new car, just got his license in April. Since then he has developed quite an attitude, no longer feeling it's necessary to ask permission to go places, sleep at friend's houses, or even ask when he should be home. He just informs me he'll do this or that, to which I am not reacting well. Then he's angry at me for "putting him on a leash" and we end up arguing alot. I am still in charge, yes? He is shirking chores, when I feel that he needs to earn that time sleeping at friend's houses by helping out a little bit. I am usually a very flexible person. I am new to parenting a teenager, since he's my oldest. Anyone out there been there, done that? Please tell me they get over this butt-headedness at some point!

Answer 1

Even though he bought the car himself there is nothing stopping you from taking his keys! He needs to realize that he is not an adult yet, even though he is working. I worked from the time I was 14 (Baby sitting) and when I turned 16 I got into food service, which I did for over 20 years. I still knew better than to try to tell my parents that I was going to do something without asking first. Tell him that you will give him more freedom when he shows you some respect.

Answer 2

well if he is working two jobs im sure he needs a break, having a job makes you feel independent but he should always respect other people including his mother. talk with him like an adult and ask him if maybe he needs to cut his hours.  

Answer 3

He'll get over it when you lay the "smack down".

That is not independence. That is blatant disrespect. yes, YOU are the mom. It will get worse if you don't do some whompin.

He only has the jobs and car BY YOUR LEAVE. You do not need to allow him this. He doesn't have to go any d**n where. Who pays his insurance?

He is testing you. Guess what. MOM wins. Take that freakin car. Ground his immature little azz. He needs to remember who got him to where he is.

When he's 18, he can get out and get off the leash. I'd've busted him down the 1st time he tried this BS...but it's not too late!!

Answer 4

With my experience teaching high school students (and more relevantly, dealing with concerned high school parents), the most common parenting mistake I see comes from parents who are good at raising small children, but do not know how to make the transition to raising an adolescent into adulthood, and so they simply continue to try old methods for as long as possible.  They know how to raise 8-year-olds, but they're uncomfortable raising 17-year-olds, so they try to apply the same sorts of methods, which results in little success and a lot of animosity.

Teenage angst and attitude can be frustrating things, particularly when your authority begins to get challenged, but it's important to remember that your first role is to raise your son to be a competent adult, and that's going to include allowing him to be responsible for a lot of his own choices.  Taking on two jobs during the summer is a lot more responsibility than most parents have the luxury of seeing in their children, so if he's used those jobs to buy something (in this case a car), it's important to give him a lot of freedom to use it, or else he's going to start expecting you to curtail anything he 'earns,' and he's going to be a lot less willing to take responsibilities and work hard in exchange for privileges and freedom.

In a couple of years, you're going to have to let go of your child completely, and it's much healthier for this to be a gradual process than an abrupt one.  When he becomes independent, he'll still have a lot to learn about becoming an adult, but you'll only be able to advise him; you'll no longer be able to discipline, control, reward and punish him, so in the years leading up to it, you might try to start advising rather than disciplining him more, to ease the transition on both him and yourself.

With particular respect to the car, he clearly feels he's earned it and doesn't want a lot of arbitrary controls put on how he uses it, and I think it would be a bad idea to stick a foot in there for no purpose other than establishing that you still have 'control;' correlating hard work and responsibility with real-life reward and freedom is an important lesson for him to learn.  One thing you might do, though, is limit how much you're willing to help him pay for gas and insurance - if you still need some measure of control (for academic performance, for instance), varying your assistance on these costs based on his behavior can be a good way to do that, and it will encourage him to work harder to independently take care of those costs as well.

As for the friends, in two years, your son is going to be sleeping at friends' houses (or in a dorm room) as often as he desires, so it's more important that you sit down and talk with him about responsible behavior than you associate 'costs' with getting to go (it's part of that difference between raising a child and raising a teenager again: the child needs to be rewarded and punished, while the teenager needs to be advised).  Have you talked to him seriously about s*x, and how to handle himself in situations where it's an option?  If he's sleeping at friends' houses, the possibility is certainly there.  How about drinking, and drunken driving?  Even if he's not encountering that on his nightly expeditions, he will be soon enough - have you had that talk (and not a 'you will do X or else' kind of talk, but rather a 'here are your options and here are the dangers' kind of talk)?  When it comes to these freedoms, your first responsibility as a parent is not to ration them out, but rather to make sure your son knows what he's doing when he uses them.

Answer 5

talk to him

Answer 6

He's working 2 jobs.

He bought a car with his own money, and continues to pay for upkeep on it.

He is an adult. This is a demonstration of responsibility like you've been teaching him to do all along. This is not the time for him to "earn" his freedom. He did that when he worked, and bought his car himself, without help from you. He does not need to "earn" his friends any more than you do! Consider that if he is working two jobs and still planning to go to school in the fall, he's probably doing more work on a daily basis than you are, he's just not doing all of it in your service.

It is no longer necessary for him to ask you these things. It is time for you to recognize his growing independence and stop treating him like you're still the sole authority in his life. He is his own authority now. Help him learn to use it well.

Stealing from him what his work purchased will earn you resentment, not obedience, and may hurt him psychologically. After all, why should he work, why should he feel safe earning or owning things, if they can be taken from him on someone else's arbitrary whim? If his things aren't just as sacred as yours, why should he bother?

Instead, talk with him. Like an adult. Like an equal. Make sure he understands that he's still part of a community, and that helping you - helping, not serving, make sure you emphasize the difference - helps him as well. It's in his best interest to make sure the house runs smoothly, and not because you will steal from him if he doesn't (that's a protection racket, not a community, and /he/ sees the difference even if you don't). Give him his freedom for a while. Gods know he needs it, given how restricted young people are in our society. Bring him back into the communal effort slowly, through words, not punishment, and make sure he understands he is contributing member now and not a servant. I cannot stress how important it is to give him that feeling of equality and accomplishment.

Answer 7

CAustin is s**y.

Sorry, I just felt like mentioning this.

Answer 8

im amother of 4 boys 18, 15, 13, 11.my 15 year old has been a lovely boy until he got new friends he also changed the way he spoke to me not asking me if he cou ld do things just telling me.i followed him one night to see what he was up to.(dont say i shouldnt have followed him im his mom and i have every right to do this)he was over the park with all his mates drinking and smoking whacky backy.well you can imagine how i felt.i wont go into detail but its obvious where hs attitude came from.we kept him in for a month hes only now aloud to go where we want him too.he realised that we were more important and so was his brain cells.

Answer 9

have you ever thought about stress? Working to jobs can be stressful? He's tiried. Send him on a vacation with his friends, the stressfulnss will soon go away.

Answer 10

He is being very responsible in many things in his life.  And, that is awesome!  Good job mom & good job son!  

But, he is not being a responsible & respectful member of the family.

Just because he's learned to make good decisions in some parts of his life doesn't mean that he's making good decisions in all of them.

He's still a kid.  And, he's still learning.  It is still your responsibility as a parent to make sure he learns all of the things that he needs to know to be a good person in the world when he's grown.  And, if he doesn't know them yet, it's still your responsibility to make sure he does what he's supposed to do now.

Being polite & respectful to the people you live with, pulling your own weight & appreciating what others do for you is an important thing that he needs to know how to do (or that you need to make sure he's doing, if he doesn't know how, yet - or if he's forgetting to do it).  

So, you've got to do whatever it is that you think will work to teach him these lessons.   Thank him & let him know you're proud of him, when you see him behaving responsibly & politely.  But, when he isn't, let him know how that behavior is affecting him negatively.  

If he's not letting you know where he goes when he's out, that leaves you worrying (not polite, especially to someone who cares about you) and it could compromise his safety.  Sounds like he either needs to learn how to be polite & safe, or he needs to have some freedom taken away from him.  He can earn it back easily enough, though, if he shows that he understands & respects why it's responsible & polite to let people he lives with know where he is.  You let him know where you are, right?

Same goes for not pulling his weight around the house, not doing his share.  That shows no respect for the people he shares the space with and no gratitude for what others are doing for his health & comfort, especially when they are doing *his* share of the work, too.  Logical consequence - loss of freedom, need to be supervised, until he shows that he does appreciate the work that others do & does understand his responsibility towards others.  

Yes, treat him with respect & love.  But, remember your responsibility as his parent, to teach him all of these things, even if it's not easy to get the message through to him.

Sure, you could wait it out - many teens in my family have gone through a stage where they break away from family & most find their way back sometime in their late teens or early 20's.  And, I'm not sure what my sisters & brothers have done to guide them back.   But, I don't think I'd feel I was doing my job as a parent if I saw that there was something that he clearly didn't know how to do right, that was impolite or unsafe & didn't try to teach him the polite, safe way to go about going through life.