Parenting question regarding 10 month old bedtime...?

Question

My 10 month old baby girl cannot seem to console herself when put down in the crib. She cries and cries and cries! I insist to my wife to let her cry until she falls asleep but check in on her. But my wife cannot stand her crying so she will continually pick her up. What is the right thing to do? Try to teach my daughter some independence or, in my opinion, keep on spoiling her by picking her up?

BTW, the doctor's advice was to put her down in the crib while she was drowsy, not asleep so she can learn to console herself. I just want some extra opinions from you all. Maybe some alternative methods we could try. I can't take much more. She is the mother but d**n! I should have some say-so right?

Answer 1

You sounds like my husband. Letting her cry is not the solution... She is crying because she wants her mother and that is a valid need for a baby of her age...It is impossible to spoil a child with physical contact, love and attention...independence is a lesson to be learned much later in life...not at 10 MONTHS!! She is still just a baby and very much dependent on her parents...Letting her cry is detrimental to her development..

Stage 1 – Trust vs. Mistrust (First 12 months of Life)

The most crucial phase is Stage 1. The vital conflict is Trust vs. Mistrust. When a parent is consistent and dependable, the baby develops sense of basic trust. The baby builds this trust when they are cold, wet, lonely, upset or hungry and they can count on others to relieve their pain. The alternative is a sense of mistrust, the feeling that the parent is undependable and may not be there when they are needed.

When babies have developed a sense of trust in their parent, they show it in their behavior. The first sign of trust in a parent comes when the baby is willing to ‘let them out of sight without undue anxiety or rage.’ If the caretakers are undependable, the baby often panics.

It is crucial that infants emerge from this stage with a favorable balance of trust over mistrust. With a favorable balance of trust, the child would develop a sense of hope and believe that the world is a good place. Hope is the expectation that good things will happen in the future. Hope enables the person to move forward into the world and take up new challenges. The way in which infants resolve this first conflict determines the energy and vitality they will have for the other stages of life.

Most modern theorists believe that a sense of mistrust is better built after the first twelve months. Arnold Gessel believed that evolution provided infants with signals to which the parents should respond because they promote healthy development. Parents should follow their impulses to go to their babies when they cry, return their smiles, etc. Infants are biologically prepared to guide parents with respect to the experiences they need, and the relationship will develop most happily when their cues are followed.

Remember that before modern civilization babies slept with their parents until they were well into their toddler years to keep them safe from predators and other hazards...The fact that she has that instinct to be with her parents is a good thing..enjoy it

Hope this helps..

Answer 2

i think letting my girl cry herself to sleep when she was young was the best thing ive ever done...yes its painful to hear her cry but eventually she will fall asleap and learn that when she gets put in the crib, its time to go to bed...we started her young and now every night she goes to bed easily and sleeps through the night...dont let her sleep during the day and be very scheduled with naps if she takes them

Answer 3

Make it a happy medium. Don't just leave her in the room to cry but don't let the wife pick her up. Lay her in her crib and if shes crying after 5 minutes go in there and rub her tummy and and let her know you're there but don't pick her up. Keep doing it every 5-10minutes. Eventually she will fall asleep and after about a week she should be able to console herself to sleep. my daughter is 5 months and I started that last month and now she goes to sleep on her own. Good luck hope this helps

Answer 4

It's difficult for any parent to listen to their child cry, but your wife needs to realize that your daughter needs to learn to self-soothe.  Your daughter is used to your wife coming in and comforting her every time she cries, which could make the child feel that there really is something to cry about, as if being alone IS a bad thing!  Your wife just needs to get some nerves of steel and let the baby cry itself asleep.  It really won't kill the kid, even if mommy's heart feels broken by the sobs.

Answer 5

Crying herself to sleep is not going to hurt her. By going into the room and picking her up, that is teaching her that all she has to do is cry and she will get what she wants. Tell your wife to put on headphones, or go to a part of the house where she can't hear the baby. Also, try putting her to bed a little later so she may be a little more tired. Good luck!

Answer 6

I don't believe in the "cry it out method"..but everyone is different..they will only want there mommy and daddy to snuggle at night when they are little..life goes by so fast enjoy it while it lasts.

Answer 7

Parenting is 50/50 so yes you have a say so, try to play with her in her bed at different time of the day just not bedtime, it sounds silly but my son actually loves the crib and will go to sleep without 1 cry. I found some toys that are suitable to keep in his bed, they make a busy box that attaches to the side of the crib, and try soft toys so she has things to do when she is trying to wind down for the day. Try games like peek a boo, and throwing the blanket over her head! Kids for some reason seem to think the bed is a bad thing and it shouldn't be like that. But hey on behalf of your wife it is heartbreaking to know your baby wants you and you wont go get them. It's a mommy thing!

Answer 8

There is NO such thing as spoiling a 10 month old. I believe your wife is doing the right thing by picking her up. Would YOU want to be left in a room to scream by yourself while the only people in the world you can "count" on left you to do it?

Answer 9

first of all she needs to know that she is safe,maybe give her a favorite toy,stuffed animal,blanket something she likes a lot and always has with her....secondly give her a warm bath with that johnson an johnson lavender calming bath was right before bed and then if she still has a bottle give it to her right after bath and right before you put her in the crib....third tell your wife to stop picking her up that is just making things worse for you all she can get a rocking chair or something of the sort and sit in the room with your daughter....fourth get a small radio and put some music on real low just enough to soothe her and then you bath her rub her down with some soothing baby cream and diaper and dress her as you would normally do then feed her and tell her it's time for night night and play with her a few minutes then lay her down and trust me after all that she should be drowsy lay her down turn her music on and sit by her bed and maybe sing to her and let her know that you are there and you should also get a small night light until she gets used to sleeping in there by herself and as time goes by move the chair further and further from her crib until your at the door and finally she will be able to sleep by herself but make sure you give her her favorite blanket or animal and always leave her music on at night time and you should do the same for nap time....never make her feel scared or upset sit with her until she falls off to sleep....i have done this with both of my boys and my cousins little boy that i have raised for the past yr. and i find that it works great and yes there are times that you are going to have to let her cry i know it sounds bad but it ain't and it will not hurt her to cry trust me i have learned the hard way......much luck to you and your wife....god bless...

Answer 10

I have the same problem with my son. The later we wait, the more tired he is and will go to sleep within 5 minutes now compared to the 30min when we first started this 2 months ago. I couldn't stand to hear him cry either, but I knew he was okay, fed, clean diaper, just upset to be alone. I learned to deal with the fact that he had to learn sooner or later, sooner in my preference, lol Stress to your wife that going in and picking her up will just make it worse knowing if she cries mommy will come get me. Give it time, she'll eventually get better. Good luck!

Answer 11

my 9 month old does the same thing. I cant stand letting him "cry it out" he will actually make himself throw up from being so hysterical if we just leave him to cry. I always put him to sleep first then transfer him to the crib. I don't see the problem with him knowing that if he crys mom will be there to comfort him. Every family is different though and every parenting style is unique so you and your wife have to find a stategy that works for both of you.

Some babies take a little longer to self sooth, try letting her cry for 5 minutes, then the next day stretch it out to 10 the next 15 and so on till she is able to fall asleep. It might work better then going cold turkey and its a compromise for you and your wife.

Good luck!

Answer 12

My suggestion is to console her by rubbing her back or belly, but not picking her up.  Try rubbing her a little less each night until pretty soon she doesn't need the help calming down.  You can even sit in the room while she is crying, but don't talk to her or pick her up, your presence should be enough to make her feel a little more comfortable...and you will know she is okay.

I had a very hard time listening to my first born cry, it made me cry.  I used the cry it out method with him and it worked after 3 days, he would just go to sleep.  I'm a nanny and have used several different methods, the one I suggested does work and may be a bit easier on your wife.

My suggestion is to ask your wife if you can try it your way for two weeks, and if it doesn't work then you can try something else.  That way it doesn't cause tension and you both have a say:)

Good luck!

Answer 13

First, I've never believed that you can "spoil" a baby. If your baby is crying, she needs something. My kids were always great at going to bed (still are) and for us it was about routine. Kids like to know "what's next" and if you get her into a standard routine and try to avoid deviating from it, she will learn when it's time to sleep.

Here was our baby routine. It takes about 45 min to an hour but is well worth it for a full, quiet nights sleep.

1) Play, play and play hard! (Babies need to be tired to sleep)

2) Snack and bottle

3) Start to wind things down with a bath and dimmer lighting

4) Talk to the baby in a quiet soothing voice while bathing/diapering/dressing

5) Rock in a chair with a book or soft toy

6) Finish off the bottle or give a few more ounces, nice warm formula

7) Lay baby down in bed with quiet music playing, rub back, head or tummy (depending on how baby sleeps) and say goodnight

8) Close the door and let baby sleep

9) Decide how long is too long for the baby to cry (10 min was my limit..that told me it was more than not wanting to sleep)

Our kids would usually sleep within 5-10 min and if they did cry, it usually wasn't very long after the relaxing routine. Hope that helps, good luck :)

Answer 14

Do not let the baby sleep all day and trust me she will get sleepy at bedtime. Your bedtime. That's what i did with my kids.