Parenting someone else's child?

Question

My 6 year old daughter has a friend who is also 6 and has a bunch of bad habits facilitated by her parents. She still sucks her thumb day and night, sleeps in her mom's bed when the father works nights, eats tons of junk whenever she's hungry ( no matter how late at night it is), and stays up late whenever she wants to , often later than the parents and even on school nights. The parents don't seem to have any concerns regarding her behaviour and seem to almost brag about it. My daughter wants her friend to sleep over. The problem I have is if I can apply the rules of our house to her, such as no thumb sucking, not eating late at night etc. When she's visited for brief times, she's been constantly hungry, but only wants junk. Should I be the one to try to change the pattern of her behavior if only for a brief period of time? I don't want to be the mean mom, but we have certain rules in our house that I don't think should be relaxed for a guest.

Answer 1

let kids be kids. don't compare her to your daughter.

what would you be teaching your kids, that if someone is different make them conform? she will have plenty of time to grow up. it doesn't mean her parents are bad they just have different priorities than you.

Answer 2

You don't need to change her pattern but it is your house so tell her there isn't any junk food but you'd be happy to give her a piece of fruit and bedtime is at such and such time

.As for the thumb sucking you can't control that and tell her to stop it in your house.  I was a thumb sucker until I was 9 and nothing worked to stop me I just grew out of it.

Answer 3

I have that problem too when my Son's friends come over. My son has a very close friend. the boy is a bit younger about a 1 year difference. The boy has a really bad mouth and will do some strange things. His Father is a police officer and you would think that his kids would have good manners and rules but guess not. The boy is very aggressive with my son and is always burping and passing gas. The last time he came over my son told me that the boy was trying to l**k his own nipples. But the worst thing was that the boy told my son that I was HOT! I mean he's 6 1/2...Why would a little kid say that? it really made my son uncomfortable around him so we decided to not let my son play with him any more. I don't know if that's the best choice to make but I explained it to my son and he totally agreed to not play with him any more. Maybe that's what you have to do too and it'll just solve the problem because you don't have the right or control over that kids behaviors. So to just not deal with it is to not let them play with each other as much.

Answer 4

Certainly she should follow the rules of your house, within reason. I would definitely ignore the thumb sucking, it may be annoying but it also may be out of anxiety and may only cause more anxiety if you make a big deal about it. She should definitely follow a bed time, whatever time you set. As for being constantly hungry but only wanting junk, I'm sure you realize that this is not a truly hungry child. Make sure you have a healthy snack on hand a hour before bed and remind her that it is that or nothing and nothing else will be served after that snack time. Eventually over time she will learn the rules of your house and be a completely different child than the one she is at home.

Answer 5

you cant change the thumb sucking

your house your rules simple as that

snack or no snack

set a bedtime say 10 scince its summer and a sleepover and make sure she doesnt go in your room while your sleeping

Answer 6

Ok well as for what she does in her home you already know it's not your business even though you can plainly see it's no good for her......and no you should not be the one to change her habbits......BUT.......you bet your cookies when she is in your home it's your rules or go home! Bar the thumb sucking, leave that one alone, she may do that for reason you do not understand, it conforts her and is not your concern.

Bedtime .......when you say

Snack.............this is what I'm offering, it's this or nothing, they will not like to go w/ out a snack

As for where to sleep.........please make sure she does not crawl in bed with you and your husband as you know that can cause big trouble

Rules...........she follows your household rules, or you take her home

Do not be afraid to say these things and put your foot down, sometimes you have to.........bet you money you do this once and a whole dif. child appears the next visit.........she does these things at home because she's allowed..........she knows your rules are enforced......truth be known she likes the structured home you provide!

Answer 7

I think you should skip the sleepover. It sounds like it will be too stressful for you and the girl.

Most kids want to eat fun food at a sleepover-not "here are your broccoli, cauliflower and carrots".

Since you don't like the way she is being raised why not just discourage the friendship and find your daughter friends with kids whose parents have like values.

I can't imagine trying to tell a child not to suck their thumb because it is against your house rules.

Find new friends for your child. You'll be a lot happier.

Answer 8

Well, I'm going to have to tackle this one issue at a time and then I'll move onto the bigger picture.

In terms of the "I'm only hungry for junk food," my kids do this too, especially my step-son used to do this. I don't particularly think it's a reflection on the way I've parented them. It's just them testing their boundaries every now and then. I've never given into them on this issue. Some issues are open to compromise, but eating real food is not one of them. All kids need good food to grow and be healthy.

When this happened, and one of my kids would say they're hungry, but they're only hungry for (insert some sort of junk food), I would tell them that if they are really, truly hungry, they'll eat what I am offering them. They'll repeat that they're only hungry for (whatever it is that they're asking for) - and I'll tell them that if they can only eat a particular thing, they are not genuinely hungry and they need to wait until they're very hungry to eat... and then when they are that hungry, they can eat what I'm offering them. That's what I'd suggest you say whenever a kid asks for junk food in place of a real meal.

For a sleepover, I would recommend a compromise. Don't let the girls stay up as late as they want, but you could offer a later bedtime. I'm assuming you're not having this sleepover on a school night, and since school nights are what you seem to be concerned about, then I'd assume you'd have no problem with doing this... Just remind your daughter that this is the exception, not the rule, so when the sleepover is over, the regular bedtime applies. Of course you can relax the rules for a special occasion, as long as everyone realizes that it's just a temporary change.

Now let's move onto the late night snack. Sometimes my kids will complain that they're really hungry at bedtime. My husband thinks it's just a delaying tactic, because they don't want it to be bedtime already. I consider that a distinct possibility. I also think it's possible to lay down and feel too hungry to fall into a relaxed sleep state on a rare occasion, as I've had this happen to me before, so I try to compromise on this issue. First, I don't let it work every time they ask for it. Most nights, it's just tough, kiddo, you're too late to be asking for food now, because it's bedtime. Oftentimes they'll give up when they figure out it's not working. At those times, I usually figure then that they weren't really very hungry, and they were just trying to delay bedtime. If it happens that one of them sounds much more distraught than usual, however, I won't offer them a full-course meal at bedtime, but I will offer crackers and water to tide them over until breakfast, just in case they truly are really hungry. It's quick, so it doesn't delay bedtime that much. (It doesn't have to be crackers. Anything quick and small will do.) Sometimes kids are going through a growth spurt, so I know exceptions can occur. It's not a great harm to them, and it makes bedtime go smoother on those nights.

In terms of the thumb sucking, I sympathize with the little girl there. I dreaded going to sleepovers when I was a little girl, because I sucked my thumb and I didn't want people to make fun of me. I didn't do it because I thought it was stylish, trust me! I had no such delusions. I just couldn't help myself. I tried bitter apple on the thumb to stop myself, but apparently the bad taste didn't stop me when I was asleep. I tried putting gloves on my hand when I sleep, but apparently I can take gloves off without waking up. Drats, it's hard to break a habit that can happen when you're unconscious. ;) I've tried more "tricks" that didn't work, but I won't bore you with the details. (Enough sleepless nights was enough to take the wind out of my sails for trying to break the habit.) Suffice to say, sucking my thumb wasn't something that I wanted to do, but I couldn't help it. It's a habit, pure and simple, and judging from ultrasound pictures, the habit starts en utero, so I don't even know what life was like before the habit started! I'm sure for other people that suck their thumb at an older age, it's a habit that is very, VERY hard to break.

If you're curious, you should read up about thumb sucking. I remember reading that bottlefed babies were more likely to be thumbsuckers than breastfed babies. I thought this was interesting, since my siblings and I were bottlefed, with the exception of my older brother and my older brother is the only one who didn't suck his thumb. While that's interesting, I'm still not sure what the mechanism is that makes one person a thumbsucker and the other is not. I think Freud would have said that it was some unmet need during childhood, but that almost makes it seem like bottlefeeding parents are neglectful and I don't think that's the case. *shrugs*

Now, moving onto the bigger picture, you seem to have this complaint about people being too relaxed in their parenting style often and that is an issue which needs to be addressed. In another question, you were saying that your husband is too relaxed in terms of parenting, and now you're saying that the friend's parents are too relaxed in parenting. You can come up with a list of "parenting mistakes," but perhaps you are just being too strict with others. Would you want someone to carry around a mental list of your imperfections? Nobody's perfect and there's various reasons that people make parenting "mistakes," and sometimes they aren't always mistakes, but rather differences of opinion. If you saw it more as a difference of opinion, instead of a mistake, then you would be less inclined to change everybody's way of raising their children. You'd might even then be more open to compromise on certain issues.

Consider this. Sometimes people will bend rules for special occasions, like a carnival being in town or a sleepover, and this is perfectly fine and normal, too. There may be a good excuse for bending the rules on certain occasions. Just let it be known that IF there are different rules for a special occasion, it is the parents that decide it, not the children, so that they can't expect pleading or whining to change things. Ultimately, it's not the individual rules that are as important, but rather respect for the parents' decisions (or the adult that's taking care of them) are what's important to teach children.

At other times, admittedly, people make a glaring mistake and there's no good excuse for it. Sure you can try to point it out to them. It may do some good. If they agree with you, I'm sure they'll try to make it better. Sometimes people just don't know they're making a mistake and need it pointed out to them.

Be careful not to bruise egos when you do this, though. This is easier said than done. It's much easier to just blurt out whatever you're thinking, instead of giving good thought to how one words things. However, if you offend whoever you're trying to correct, they'll get defensive and never hear what you are trying to say, even if what you are saying is perfectly valid. Now that I've touched this point, please note that anything I say here is not intended to offend you (or anyone else). I am only trying to help everyone.

I don't think people that agree with you when you point out their mistake is a problem for you, though. It's when people disagree with you that it becomes a problem, because that's when they won't do what you think is best. It sounds like this couple disagrees with you about parenting values, and it's really frustrating that they can't see your wisdom. Perhaps you've figured out already that it wouldn't do much good to argue over it, and if you haven't figured it out, you soon will see the futility in it. In regards to the sleepover in particular, I don't think that you're going to change a child or their parents in a single sleepover with this child. So if you have that idea with this sleepover, give it up.

Yes, I know, it's frustrating people don't do everything you think is best. Trust me, I sympathize. I've shook my fist at the sky for this before. *LOL* But then I realize I'm being unreasonable by expecting that... I am not God, and God doesn't even get that kind of respect!

Sometimes people are just going to do whatever they feel is best, whether they're right or wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it. That's how life is meant to be.

Sometimes you'll just have to accept people are human, and come with a certain set of "flaws." Sometimes these "flaws" are just having a different sort of opinion about what is best.

I prefer not to see it as flaws, though, but rather as that people aren't always a perfect fit for each other. If it's too bad of a fit, sure, cut off contact. It's better than being aggravated and unhappy all the time.

It sounds to me, though, like the issues you're mentioning are not worthy of destroying a friendship. That's just my opinion. Well, I can't tell you what to do. You'll just have to decide what's best here, whether you're right or wrong. And all my fist shaking at the sky isn't going to change your opinion if you disagree with me. ;)

Just in case you agree with me on any of my points, those were my suggestions. :)

Answer 9

if her parents don't make her behave then  you do it. its your house and you enforce your rules!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

I agree with everyone, she should eat what you give her and when you offer it, if she won't take it, then she can go hungry.  I would though suggest offering two choices like an apple or a banana-but both healthy.  With bedtime and rules, yes what you say should be the law of you house and if she doesn't like it she can leave and not visit again.  I disagree with not saying anything about her thumb though, I think it would be perfectly ok for you to tell her to take her thumb out of her mouth, after all when it does come out her slobber is going all over everything in your house, so I would say tell her that you do not like it when she has her fingers in her mouth at your house and when you catch her with her fingers in her mouth she will have to stop what she is doing and go wash her hands, she will get sick of constantly having to stop playing to go wash her hands.  If her parents aren't going to raise her, you stepping in and helping her when she is with you is a great gift you are giving to this child.  She didn't ask for lazy or irresponsible parents, thats what God gave her, and he also put you in her life to help her out.  Stick to your rule, treat her like you would your own child, after all a guest in your home SHOULD be treated like family right??  this means she follows your rules or she will follow your consequences ( i have been put in time-out at friends house before, I think most parents would appreciate another parent enforcing rules and instilling good values in a child) Why is it ok for a child to be punished at school and daycare, etc, but not at a friends house???  It is the parents choice to allow their child to go to a friends house, if they don't like the other parents rules-keep them home (as long as you don't hit someone else's child, you can punish them through time out, or losing priveleges at your house, etc.) Go ahead and stick to your rules whenever she is at your house, and also help her get rid of the thumb sucking habit.  I hope the girls have fun at their sleepover.

Answer 11

there isnt a thing u can do about the thumb sucking because while it may be ur house u cant tell her she cant do something thats not hurting or disrupting you

Answer 12

I think that you can expect her to follow the rules of your home when she's at your home.  Healthy meals at mealtime.  Reasonable bedtime.  Polite behavior towards others.  

But - I don't think you can or should try to change her self-soothing habit of thumb-sucking when she's with you.  Not as a 'rule' that can earn her a 'punishment', anyway.  You might try encouraging her to change, if she's willing to change.  But, I don't see how you can or should do anything else about that.

Answer 13

I don't really think you can parent another family's child, especially one as distant as just a friend of your child.  If you can it would be nice for both your child and the friend if you could open your house to her with the understanding that you are the parent in charge of your house.  That means she sleeps in her bed when you tell her to go to sleep and eat only food you are willing to provide.  

the rules I would be willing to relax on are timing of snacks (if she is used to eating late I would offer something healthy later than usual for a guest and as a special treat for your daughter).  Plus the thumb.  I wouldn't even mention it.  That really isn't yours to comment on.  You have to approach it though as an opportunity for your daughter to spend time with a child she likes, not as an opportunity to fix the friend.

Answer 14

It is your house, enforce the rules of your house.  Yes you can make her follow the rules while she is there.

Answer 15

Well you can feed her what you want and when you want at your house- if she doesn't like it she'll tell her parents she doesn't want to go back. I don't think you need to change the rules about food, all families are different and if she's uncomfortable at your house then she'll stop coming over and vice versa. But I don't think it's your place to tell someone else's child they can't suck their thumb. That's just weird, it's none of your business and it doesn't affect you...

Answer 16

I don't think you can enforce the rule about no thumb sucking, as that is a habit that cannot be broken in one night.  As far as what she eats, and what time she goes to bed, I think your house, your rules. I do think you should be a bit lenient for a "slumber party".  I know when I had friends spend the night, Mom always let us have pizza for dinner and stay up a bit later than usual.

Answer 17

You're not going to change the thumb sucking so take that off your list.  As for the food.  Yes, you are in control.  If she asks for a snack tell her that you serve snack at 3pm (or whatever) and she'll have to wait another 45 minutes.  Ask if she wants some water instead.  Bedtime, again, yes.  You set the rules and she must stay in the bedroom when you say so.

If this is an enduring problem or one that you don't really want to deal with then simply the friend shouldn't stay over.  It's not like sleep overs are mandatory for friendship!

Answer 18

You can NOT keep a child from sucking their thumb, this is NOT your place.  If you don't like it don't invite the child to spend the night.  "Sleep overs" are often times with kids stay up way past their bedtimes and eat late.  If you have any qualms about this child's behavior then again don't invite her to spend the night.  It is not up to you to change anything about this child because YOU don't think her parents are doing their job.  If you don't want this child to behave as she has been taught to behave do NOT invite her to spend the night.  If your daughter has a problem with that then it will be YOUR responsiblity to explain it to your daughter.

Answer 19

I can understand and agree with certain house rules but you cannot tell this girl not to suck her thumb..her thumb is not yours to control.

Answer 20

Kids should know, and most do, that rules are different at their friend's house.  You can't make her stop sucking her thumb though and don't nag her about it when she's over.  As for the food, just tell the girls some choices to eat and let them decide.  If this girl doesn't like your choices, tough.  Maybe once she sees your child eating it, she'll say, oh, can I have some?  I don't see how that's being mean.

Answer 21

I don't think you can tell her she can't suck her thumb, but you can certainly offer her only healthy snacks if she is hungry.

Answer 22

yes your rules of the house apply to her.  she will then see what a difference there is when she comes to you house and then will want a change at hers.

Answer 23

If you have a problem with her behavior, you should tell the parents.  This is NOT a problem with the child, it is a parenting problem.  Just inforce your rules (like no junk and a resonable bedtime) but do not try to change the child (don't get mad if she sucks her thumb).  It is your house and so you should just have the same rules that you have for any guest.  If the girl does not follow the rules, tell her parents about your rules and suggest that they ask her to follow the rules before she comes to your house.

Also, if she comes over make sure that you have no junk food in sight and make sure that you tell your daughter what time bedtime is.  There should be no room for debate and no way for the child to break a rule without being extremely defiant.