Parenting tips?

Question

The youngest of the bunch, an 8-year-old boy, has ADHD, but with inattentive, little hyperactive diagnosis.

I'm running out of patience and he's getting so rowdy and wild lately!

Some things he does to test my patience...

-Headbutt me in time outs

-Belches, sticks out his tongue, and passes air in school, at home, or in someone's face

-Meow or bark like a dog on all fours or bite and l**k someone

-Hit me when I repeatedly if he is punished

-Drink out of the O.J. carton

-Throw unwanted food at me

-Make toilet paper balls and throw them on the ceiling around the house

-Last week he pulled kindergartener's hood down over his head and nearly choked him on the bus

-Called the busdriver 'Tubby', 'Woof', and 'Miss Boxy'

-Whine, shake his butt in my face, and fake falling asleep when talking to him

PLEASE HELP?

Oy. He won't STOP. He's constantly. In. Overdrive.

He plays video games and watches TV about 3 hours a day...is that good? What should I do? Punishment ideas?

Answer 1

Take him to do a "sport activity" like "swimming". You'll be amazed, how much calmer and relaxed they become! I mean: Swimming on a "competition level" ! Good luck !

Answer 2

The two before have some great ideas.  Do you limit his sugar/ caffeine intake?  I think getting him involved in a sport to get his energy out is a great idea, swimming as mentioned is wonderful, how about tai kwan do or the like?  I think the Super Nanny has suggested it and by goodness if Nanny Jo suggests it, it must be good. :)  Seriously, though I think you may need some professional assistance on this.  Perhaps his pediatrician or his psychologist (if he has one).  Injuring another child like the one on the bus (what could've happened) is very serious and obviously  needs to stop.

Answer 3

I must say I thought I was the only person that saw a child bark!! I babyysat a 3 1/2 year old and 7 year old boys. The 7 year old boy was out of control. He bit and hit me. He screamed for 4 hours. He would bark in time out! Tore the carpet off the stairs during his time out! Nanny 911 in my house. I knew some of these thngs before I agreed to babysit but not everything.

First time out is given to think about what you did wrong. I got that from Dr. Phil. At first I thought I was being mean because his time outs would be for 2 hours. Really they were 10 minutes. The other 1 hour and 50 minutes he was fighting me. He had to sit for the 10 minutes and tell me what he could have done differently or I would try to explain to him all I wanted. In the first month he was not able to tell me what he could have done differently. I had to restrain him to keep him from hurting himself , others and my house. I would hold him and quietly talk in his ear no matter how much he screamed at me. He was sitting in my lap on the floor with my legs wrapped around his legs so he couldn't kick and my arms around his arms so he couldn't hit. I would just tell him it is going to be okay.When he said he hated me I would say that is okay because I like you. I could not raise my voice at him that would set him off.

I would give choices. Only 2. You can either play with the blue truck or you can play with the red truck. You can either play nicely or you can go sit on the stairs. If he chose something else then I would tell him I am sorry but that is not one of your choices.

I must say this really doesn't sound like a child with adhd. It sounds like a child that something has happened to. Has there been a death, divorce or anything that has happened to him to cause him not to show his emotion properly? With the boys I watch what it was is his parents where divorced and he had had bad babysitter after babysitter. Ones that called him names. He was not potty trained  on time. Really not until he was almost 5.

I had to sit down on the floor and play with him. Teach him how to play with others and then I would watch from a distance. This same child was happy to come to my house everyday. I didn't know why. His mom said he was very happy always to come and he was.. I praised him for his good behavior. I would tell him I like how he did what ever. I enjoyed his voice he was using.

Being constant is the best thing. Don't give up just because you are tired. That is what his mother did. She was tired and her husband had left her. She was doing it on her own. Very nice lady but since she was tired it made matters worse. He just had gotten worse and worse. If you say it then you have to do it.

Throwing unwanted food I would make him clean that up. I am sure it would be a battle but sometimes it has to be done. You will have to think of ways for this child to learn that his words are hurting people. He might not realize this. the 7 year old didn't realize this. I would make him clean up any mess he makes. Granted it would not be done like you wanted but it will be a start.

People would tell me to take him for walks but how could I take him for a walk if he can't even play on the patio for 5 minutes before something happened drastic! Try to find an activity that he would like to do but he must earn that activity. I would tell him what activity we had and I would love to do it. When he was bad I would say Now I wanted to do that activity and now we can't. Later he would say lets do the activity! I would tell him that I was very sorry but he choose not to by his actions. Sometimes it would take 5 days before we could do it.  

His mother was taking him to divorce parent counseling. That was not helping at all. Every school has a social worker in the United States. Go to the school and tell them your problems.If the teacher doesn't help then you go to the principle then the school district. Social workers in school I find are better because they deal with the kids there ages. They see in school what goes on. They are not just there for 1 or 2 hours a week. They will help him to express his anger better and find out the underlying cause. I do nto believe in medicines to cure these problems.

The 7 year old did make a lot of improvement but not enough. He needed more than I had to give him. He now sees a social worker 3 times a week in school. He goes to a afterschool program that deals with kids like him. I always told him I liked him. I never used good or bad boy when correcting him. I always told him he was a goodboy. At times he did such sweet things for me!!

I felt horrible when I told him he was going someplace else. He cried and promised never to do those things again but I knew he needed more than I could give. I told him that. I have stayed in his life and I must say the social worker and constant and firm disapline haved made a big difference in him. 1 year later he doing better but getting to that point was pure h**l. I think if you can find the root of his problem then everything will fall into place. It will be hard work but your child is worth it.

Please contact the school for the social worker. Good luck to you and your child.

Answer 4

I'm more about simplicity. I've been studying behavior for almost 10 years and currently have many children like yours on my caseload at work. The simplistic approach? The power of reinforcement... not just positive but negative as well. A good example of negative reinforcement is what's called a response cost. You say he watches tv and likes to play video games several hours out of the day. Here's what you do... Take that total time allotted for video games say (or tv) and subtract time from a running total as a response cost each time he does something "against the rules." I say against the rules because in a case such as this the rules need to be posted somewhere conspicuous. Positively speaking... when you see him do something appropriate or something that you know he did the way it should be done... give him time back from what he lost. I'm sure you get the idea. It's not easy chore keeping track of things like this. But it will help you... I guarantee it. Television and videogames are two of the most reinforcing things for him I bet... he might act up though when you take his controller or power cord away. Cant play videogames without a controller! With the tv? might be a little harder to take that and carry it out of his room. So you might wanna start with the videogames and see how it goes! Good luck!

Answer 5

Okay, that's all so over-the-top it's hard to know if this question is actually for real.  On the off-chance it is....

.... no, if you have an ADHD child they should not be watching 3 hours of tv/video per day.  How is that going to help with getting his energy out?Try 1 hour max.

... get him outside for those extra 2 hours the tv is off.

... and get serious about consistent discipline (I don't mean spanking, but I do mean discipline).  ADHD is not a license or excuse for being rude.  I know kids with ADHD who are fidgety, active, and easily distracted, but that's not the same as hitting, choking, calling names, and otherwise being rude.  if consistent discipline doesn't work you need to seek help from a professional before the situation is hopeless.

Answer 6

I can tell you how a friend raised his boys - both had ADHD and learning disabilities. His experiences may be helpful to you. This  includes my own 4 Rules for Raising Children and a progress report on my boys.

#1. Provide Consistency & Structure

These youngsters need consistency and structure.

Don't over explain. Teach the child to "do it because I said so." Don't try to use logic or reasoning to explain why the child needs to clean up his room before he can go out. The child will perseverate about the extreme injustice of being required to clean up his room. Discussing it and trying to reason with the child will just make things worse.

If you allow yourself to get into an argument with these children, they will become convinced that they are right.

You need to understand that most kids with ADD/ADHD love to argue - they find it stimulating. Arguments go on and on, ad nauseam, until they wear you down. Don't allow that to happen - they will view it as a sign of weakness and will persist longer the next time.

#2. Establish Clear Standards & Rules

Have clear black and white standards about right and wrong. Apply these standards consistently. When you are raising children, don't get into shades of gray.

You can't say "No" one day, then "Yes" the next day.

If you do, you will teach them to persist until you give up or give in. We often allow children with ADHD to misbehave and get away with bad behavior because we believe they cannot control their behavior. This is not true!

#3. Have High Expectations

Because a child has ADHD, we often lower our expectations. If we do not expect them to control their behavior and their impulses, they won't.

Low expectations lead to low performance. As a parent, you have to work harder and you have to make the kids work harder because of their ADHD. Teach them to work hard. Help them develop strategies to use in dealing with the negative characteristics of ADHD. If you do this, the child with ADD/ADHD can do better on a task or mission than a child who doesn't have ADHD - because your expectations are high.

#4. Teach Your Child to Behave

An old friend of ours was a pediatric neurologist from India who moved to the United States. When Dr. Hazra talked to parent groups, she shared her reactions to child-raising practices in the U.S. In her family, and with her children, her word was law. She never had to raise her voice.

She was astounded when she heard American parents ask their children questions like this: "Would you like to go to the waiting room now?" "Would you please finish your dinner now?"

When Dr. Hazra talked to parent groups, she told this story:

"Picture a big three-ring circus with thousands of screaming children, a blaring public address system, and flashing lights. Now, picture several huge elephants trotting around the ring. What are these elephants doing?

These huge animals are climbing onto small pedestals that may be two feet in diameter. While they stand on the pedestals, they perform a series of behaviors on cue - despite the chaos and distractions around them.

Visualize the circus ring again. Look at the lions and tigers - what are they doing? The lions and tigers have been taught to jump through hoops of flame."

Dr. Hazra said "If we can teach elephants, lions and tigers to behave in public, we can certainly teach our children with ADHD to behave in public too."

You need to reward positive behavior, use negative consequences for negative behavior, be consistent, be alert, use tough love, and have high expectations for these children.

Discipline Techniques

You asked about discipline techniques.

When his children were young, I used isolation and spanking. (he  received a few angry emails about this over the years. I make no apologies about how I raised my boys, so please don't bother to scold me.)

Spanking

Consider the toddler who is playing electrician and takes Daddy's screwdriver to fix the electrical outlets. The child is attempting to remove the plastic guards by sticking the screwdriver into the AC electrical socket.

Under these circumstances, the child needs a spanking. Why?

Children with ADD/ADHD are intensely curious - this is one reason they find themselves in dangerous situations so often. The children are also persistent so they repeat behavior. Eventually, this child will figure out how to remove the plastic guard you installed in the AC wall socket. After removing the plastic guard, the child will insert the screwdriver into the socket with tragic results.

You want the child's fear of another spanking to outweigh their curiosity. The alternative may be a dangerous shock or electrocution.

Isolation & Boredom

For short term or minor discipline, I used isolation and boredom. The child had to sit in the bathroom for 10, 15, or 30 minutes, depending on the seriousnesss of the offense. Usually, the child was allowed to take a book or magazine but nothing else.

I set the timer and said:

"If you stick your head out to ask if your time is up before it is up, I will reset the timer again. If I forget that you are in there and your time is up, and you stick your head out, the timer starts over again. Sorry. Life is not fair. It's better that you learn this now."

If the incident was more serious, I did not allow the child to take any reading material into the bathroom. Since they were curious and desired stimulation, sitting in a small empty bathroom was boring. From their perspective, boredom made isolation worse so it was an effective punishment.

Depending on the child's age and misbehavior, discipline also included no telephone calls, no going out with friends, no friends over, no car for the weekend ("Sorry you have to cancel your date with that gorgeous girl you've been chasing all year. You're right - life is unfair - unpredictable too. You'll live through it.")

Four Rules for Raising Children

Here are the four rules he used when raising my children.

1. The child had to work.

Children need to learn that their work contributes to the welfare of the family.

When a child was young and we went to the store, the child had to carry a bag or two into the house. When they were a little older, they didn't ask - they just picked up bags and helped.

When they grew tall enough to reach the sink, they had to help wash the dishes.

When they were teenagers, they had to earn their spending money. They cut grass, did odd jobs in the neighborhood, delivered pizza, you name it.

2. No television or telephone in a child's room, ever.

In addition to a bed, each child's room had a desk, bookcases, and lots of books.

3. The child learned to touch-type at home.

Each child learned to touch-type at home. We used a typing software program like Mavis Beacon for 15-30 minutes a day. It took about three months for the child to learn to type 30 words per minute. This is an excellent activity for the summer.

Use a chart to graph the child's progress in typing. Charts make progress real.

When the child reached intermediate goals, they received small rewards. After they could type 30 wpm consistently, typing lessons ended. Eight years of age is not too young to start. Do not expect that the child will learn to touch type at school. Schools are not consistent. Teach this skill at home.

4. Never ask"WHY?"

When my children misbehaved or messed up, I never asked them "WHY did you . . . ?"

Why did you come home an hour late? Why did you come home with alcohol on your breath? Why didn't you clean up your room? Why did you leave a mess in the kitchen? Why didn't you finish your homework? Why did you finger-paint on the walls?

When the parent asks a child WHY?, the child learns to create good excuses, shifts blame onto others, views himself or herself as a "victim of circumstances" -- and not does not learn to take responsibility for his or her behavior.

Talking about WHY the child misbehaved will not teach the child that he has control over himself, his environment and his future. This will not teach him to take responsibility for his actions. When you ask "Why," it's easy to slip in some guilt - "Why did you do this? You upset me so much. You made me feel terrible."

Stay away from guilt.

When the child misbehaves, ask questions - but never ask WHY?

Ask these four questions instead:

    * What did you do?

    * What are you going to do about it?

    * To ensure that this does not happen again, what should we do to you now?

    * If this does happen again, despite your good intentions now, how much more severe shall the punishment be next time?

In Summation

Raising a child with ADD is hard. They try your patience. Sometimes, they cause you great heartache.

When he was raising my children, many people said he was too hard on them. Was I? How did they turn out?

Today, both sons are attorneys. We very proud of his sons. They both have strong work ethics. They are responsible and have empathy for others, including people with disabilities. Neither views himself as having any adverse traits from ADD.

If you teach your children good habits and self discipline, they will be successful and may change the world in positive ways. When you look at the early childhood histories of people who changed the world in positive ways, you will often discover that the child had ADD/ADHD.